Thursday, September 20, 2007


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Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has recently completed a three day trip to the far North of the globe, and has pledged to spend billions of dollars(Canadian) in order to defend Canada's "national sovereignty" in the Arctic. All this grand standing comes one week after Russian submarines dropped a Russian flag on the floor of the Arctic Ocean.

All analysts agree that with tension running high in a freshly democratized Iraq, terrorists running wild in Afghanistan ever since the cut and runners started micro managing the War on Terror, and Iran being what it is, Canada should know better than to provoke Russia with unnecessary land grabs. Canada has even gone so far as to announce the construction of a massive underwater fort smack-dab in the middle this Arctic war-zone.

Meanwhile the Russians are defending the actions of the submarine crew stating, "Look, we may have dropped a flag. I think we may have also dropped some shirts and a couple of used magazines. The only things we're guilty of are loving sea exploration and littering. No more, perhaps less."

In order to quell any disputes America has sent in several teams of scientists, contractors, as well as private and public military personnel to the Arctic. The Americans will oversee the conflict as Canada, Russia, Venezuela, Norway, and long shot Denmark battle it out to gain control of the Arctic seabed that the U.S. Geological Society estimates contains as much as 25% of the world undiscovered oil and natural gas.

Spokesperson for the Canadian Prime Minister made a desperate effort to convince the world how much Canada had really loved "their" arctic seabed all along as he railed off a litany of liberal buzz words ranging from "environmental protection" to "resource based potential" and even playing the whole "national sovereignty" card. All the while Prime Minister Harper has begun what looks to be his own Blitzkrieg, increasing the size of his Arctic battleship fleet by 25% in order to eliminate all opposition.

A spokesperson for the US State Dept. asserts that, "Canada does not own the Arctic Northwest. These are neutral waters, and neutral waters are just that: neutral. These waters don't know who owns them. We, as Americans, simply want to make certain that which ever country ends up in complete control of the ice...shelf or whatever it is, is a stable Democracy."

Russians claim that because the ice shelf contains the Lomonosov ridge, a 1,240 mountain range extending from the Eurasian continent, that the land is theirs under international law. By that same logic the Bering Straight is part of Alaska therefore Russia is U.S. territory.

The reason for the sudden influx in interest in this spicy piece of real estate stems from one of the many hidden benefits of global warming. As global warming melts the Northwest Passage, sweet slices of oil-packed land become exposed. The rapid melting will also create a an attractive shipping route, a new Panama Canal of sorts, through which commercial ships can shave 2,480 miles of their trips from Europe to Asia.

Since America has had a hugely successful history as guardian of the Panama canal, it only seems natural that we oversee the New Alaskan canal as well. Heck, we might even make it our 51st state!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Weell thats intense.