Monday, October 29, 2007


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US Weekly magazine took a break from covering the latest "accidental" appearance of Britney Spear's vagina to bring us their cover story about the thoroughly charmed, ideal, and enviable life of Scientology's prodigal daughter, Suri Cruise. The magazine attempted to pass Suri off as a normal kid who loves ice cream, cake, and the barley water, milk, and corn syrup formula that Scientology advocates babies drink in their first years of life. In fact, Suri's Cruise's life has been perfect from the moment she shot out of her mother like a DC-8 from space.

"This is one lucky kid," says a family insider. It's an almost perfect picture.

The only thing holding Suri back from complete happiness is her young age. At only 2 years old Suri is too young to begin taking classes at the Scientology Center where she will eventually begin her journey on the bridge to total freedom. That doesn't stop Suri from getting a leg up on all the wogs(Scientology's special word for non-Scientologists) out there. According to a close family friend interviewed by US Weekly, "Tom doesn't like associating with people who aren't Scientologists." This will assure that Suri grows around a constant throng of true believers including her two Scientologist nannies. These aren't your regular dust-maids and vacuum jockeys. These maids are at least OT 5 level Scientologists, and are well versed in very Scientological parenting practice.

"This is all sure to rub off on Suri from the get-go," says one enthusiastic Scientologist whose job it is to track my every move as I write this story. The OT levels refer to the 7 levels on Scientology's Bridge to Total Freedom. After Suri completes all 7 levels of the bridge she will be deemed "Clear", i.e.: The Perfect Person.

As a Clear, Suri will:

- Be clear of all negative influences.

- Have perfect recognition of every moment from her past.

- Never have colds or accidents.

- Have the ability to self-cure cancer.

- Have the ability to stare down a great white shark without feeling any fear under certain, controlled circumstances.

Note: One of these attributes is actually false. Be the first to guess which one and you'll win a free DVD copy of the PLN documentary: Death of a Hitler: The Saddam Hussein Story!

Suri's had the full Scientology treatment from her first moments of human life. Katie chose to have a "Silent Birth", as is suggested by Hubbard. The silent birth consists of no one present during Suri's Scientology approved birthing ritual being allowed to make a sound, including the mother, for fear that the sound trauma will be stored inside the baby's consciousness as "Engrams". The Engrams, or trapped psychological scars, will lead to severe problems of all kinds in the future. Hubbard also wrote that the mother should use "as little anesthetic as possible," during the birthing process. The barring of anesthetic may be a test to see whether or not the mother-to-be is really into the Scientology, or just some faker.

The US Weekly article pathetically tries to paint Tom and Katie as "typical new parents" when the exact opposite is obviously true. "They basically let Suri have at planet Earth like it's her own private Battlefield," says a close family friend who demands complete confidentiality. L. Ron Hubbard advised parents to be like a friend to their child, and not to refuse them much when they want their way and throw fits.

"Keeping Scientology Working!"

Don't just take US Weekly and PLN's word for it. Famous and successful actor Giovanni Ribisi says, "Without Scientology, I'd be in an alley somewhere, looking for dope." Since the options for most people on Earth truly are Scientology or drugs, the answer was clear for Ribisi. He goes on to praise the teachings of the Scientology Center calling it, "analogous to college." A recommendation like that could be taken as a suggestion to skip out on "higher education" altogether and start skipping across the bridge to total freedom, today!

When I asked my how I could do that myself she gave me a very simple test consisting of questions that really got me thinking about how my life is missing something important, but I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. To figure this out it was recommended by my "Auditor" that I take the FREE(!) Introductory communication class. She says I'm a prefect candidate for the Bridge and should begin immediately before consulting ANYONE else about my decision. To tell you the truth, I'm really jazzed! Pretty soon I'll have a chance to be hooked up to an:


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An e-meter is a device invented by L. Ron Hubbard which reads the presence of thetans in a person's bloodstream. Thetans are large and small alien spirits that were brought to earth 75 million years ago by an evil intergalactic overload named Xenu. It's all been proven by science and Scientology which Hubbard describes as, "The Study of Knowingness."

Here's John Travolta hooked up to an e-meter!

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Hubbard performs some of his important tomato-research with an e-meter:

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Skeptical enemies, trying to bring down a legitimate religion, have sunk so low as to ruin a family's good name. Family unity couldn't be more evident than in the case of Holmes' parents Martin and Kathleen. Together they made a trip to see the Cruise's in Berlin, proving that everything is smooth sailing. The secular left wing media has done all it can to paint a picture of a couple trying to do whatever they can to keep their daughter in their lives in at least some capacity while clinging to the hope that logic will drift back into her mind so they may pry her away from the horribly backfiring Cinderella-based nightmare that's become her life ever since she married a brainwashed embarrassment factory of a falling super-star. It's not like that at all.

As if things weren't perfect enough, Katie's been dropping hints of a possible second child. This breaking news has led the media into an all out "Bump Watch" frenz-travaganza. PLN's own special affairs correspondent, and resident Scientologist, Helga Von Streussel has thoroughly analyzed the most recent images of Katie Homes with her trained eye. Unfortunately she has concluded that, "Katie Holmes, at this time, does not have the right kind of bump which would indicate successful insemination." Explaining the intricate bump-watch procedure she says, "What were looking for here is a bump of increasing size, magnitude, and velocity. It's not so much we're looking for any old tummy-lumps. All I see in these pictures is a woman with gas...unless she had a miscarriage. That's a possibility. I'll ask her next time I see her."

The Commodore

According to my auditor(aka: trusted friend) Hubbard was a, "decorated war hero, author of Shakespearean proportions, and the greatest humanitarian known to man." Watch this video, and find out for yourself!

Remember! We at PLN deliver the news, you sign for it! This reporter looks forward to advancing along the many levels of Scientology toward total clearness. I hope the rest of the classes are free like the first one!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


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We at PLN know what you're going to say.

Yes, he's pro-life.

Yes, he wants to build a fence between the United States and Mexico.

Yes, he'll abolish welfare, social security, as well as any and all unnecessary government bureaucracies(aka: programs & services).

BUT, there are more reasons NOT to vote for Ron Paul then there are TO vote for him.

Don't let his fake victories in numerous "opinion" polls fool you, Ron Paul is possibly the single most crazily un-electable presidential hopeful since Nicole Kidman's stalker ran for the highest office in the land. A faster-than-quick glance at Paul's platform is enough to justify his absence on any ballot.

First and foremost is his non-interventionist foreign policy. Mr. Paul believes that America should stop spreading democracy to third, fourth, and fifth world nations, ensuring the global spread of radical Islamo-fascerrorism. He sternly believes the noble War On Terror is not worth fighting. Paul even went so far as to vote against the Iraq War resolution in 2002!? He treats The Patriot Act as though it were written on used toilet paper, and has tried to renege on it several times. All of these anti-security actions have prompted many to ask whether or not Paul is actually a liberal in disguise which would explain his appeal amongst confused leftists looking for ways to get back at their fathers through irrational political radicalization.

His weak stance on National Security is also bound to cost him the important military vote. Most military experts are asking, "Why would soldiers want to elect a President that's never going to send them into battle? It's counter-intuitive."

Of course the most dangerous thing about Ron Paul are the people who actually DO support him. Seasoned political analysts spit out their drinks when they learn how much money Paul receives, and where he gets it from. Studies have found that Paul rakes in over 90% of his campaign money from "individual donations", most of which are gathered on the INTERNET(!?) through the dangerous practice of "viral marketing." Simply read the term: VIRAL MARKETING. It correctly implies that Ron Paul is a virus and those who support him are prime carriers ranging from disgruntled anarchist-liberals who secretly desire to be(or be with) conservatives, all the way to libertarians so Kool-Aided out of their minds that their tongues are forever stained by Red Dye #5.

It's common knowledge that ANY Internet support translates to: "Coo-coo! Coo-coo!" The Internet is run by people who believe the holocaust, 9/11, and Jesus never existed! Paul's popularity only goes to show you just how many insane types there really are out there.

Ernst Gennero of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies knows that, "America can't afford to have a President controlled by the whims of a bunch of people. It would threaten the very democracy we hold dear. What America needs is someone like a Bush or Giuliani. A president who can stand up to the American people when they don't know what's good for them, or in this case, when they've gone 100% bat-s**t crazy."

On the aesthetic front, everyone knows he's too thin. A presidential candidate can be healthy, but the line is crossed when he can officially be referred to as "svelte". When a politician is too thin people begin to ask questions about health, diet, and/or the possible use of illegal narcotics which is common amongst paranoid, conspiracy nut-jobs.

There's even a wild card in the mix of reasons why Ron Paul will never be sworn in as leader of the free-world: his two first names. Only 4 legitimate American Presidents in history have ever been elected with two first names as first and last name.*

Eventually the American people will come to the obvious conclusion that Ron Paul is as un-electable as any of the Democratic candidates out there, with the possible exception of liberal Senator Larry Craig(D-Idaho) who expressed an interest in running for President before being outed as a bathroom-gay.

* PLN will award copies of our DVD documentary "Death of a Hitler: The Saddam Hussein Story" to the first 5 people who can e-mail us the correct 4 LEGITIMATE American Presidents who were elected with two first names.

Thursday, October 11, 2007


Tuesday, October 9, 2007


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Atlas Shrugged the perennial, best selling classic of indisputable virtue is celebrating it's 50Th Anniversary this month! Literature aficionados across the globe are taking note as this widely celebrated, best loved, under-rated novel of biblical proportions turns the big five-oh. Rand may be gone, but her philosophy of Objectivism lives on in her proud followers. Ayn Rand enthusiasts will mark the occasion with a world wide toast to the book everyone agrees was her greatest achievement.

"This is going to be our biggest celebration yet," notes Carl Ubell, avid Objectivist. "Ayn hated parties so we're still keeping things pretty low-key, but that doesn't mean there isn't lots of rational fun to be had."

Core Objectivists get together every year to celebrate Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, and Objectivism. Some of their annual traditions include:

- Making Ayn's favorite recipes, and eating some of them.

- Dressing like characters from her novels.

- They also pass around an angora sweater owned by Rand, which many claim still carries her distinct scent, and sniff it for prosperity.

However, not everyone is celebrating. If you look really hard you'll find a few members of civilized society critical of Ms. Rand's work. Mark Casper is one of them. He describes himself as a "recovering Randroid" whatever that means.

"Ayn Rand is basically L. Ron Hubbard without the space fantasies," mocks Casper, "They're both authors which attract a very specific, lonely fringe of male society looking for answers as to why no one truly understands them. It's a cult."

"As anyone who sends away the free postcard in the back of any and all Ayn Rand books to Objectivism HQ will soon find out Objectivism is far from a cult. It's just a new way of thinking. A new vision of perfect morality," says Ron Donaldson whose 5 children are named Dominique, Howard, Dagny, John G., and Kira after characters from Rand's books. When asked whether it's awkward that 4 of their children are named after characters that have had sex with each other he responds, " was good for the story."

Don't just take his word for it. Simply mail in the post card you find in the back of every Ayn Rand book with your full, real name and address in order to get the undiluted truth about Objectivism. ARI will send you awesome Objectivism offers, updates, and info about the Ayn Rand Institute's College Scholarship Essay contest. If you can describe Ayn's novels better than anyone else you'll win a marginally generous scholarship to attend a university, although many believe you're better off just taking classes at the Institute. As one graduate put it, "ARI won't brainwash you like those liberal dunk-dank universities."

"The essay contest is a useful tool for introducing passionate young minds to Ayn's works," says leader of Objectivism and Rand's longtime friend and intellectual heir, Leonard Peikoff. Peikoff isn't just the final hanger on, a lookout-lad promoted to Captain before the ship sinks, as it were. He's a worthy intellectual heir if there ever was one.

"His books were so good, nobody even bothered to buy them," notes the young Ayn Rand institute janitor. "Where Ayn's philosophy was easily palatable to even the most irrational of the enemy, Leonard's are vastly more complex and perfect. That's why they're collector's items. It's not just cause they went out of print."

While anyone with a rational atom in their body loves Atlas Shrugged, many complain about the length of the book which clocks in at an intimidating 1,168 pages. Objectivists are quick to dismiss criticism of any kind, let alone about the book's length.

"Atlas Shrugged may be long, but it's RIGHT. How can anyone get TOO much right? There are probably other books out there that are, what, like...300 pages long, I'm guessing. How many of those pages contain irrefutable facts? How many of those books will tell you how to be the ideal human being? You get so much more truth per page in Atlas Shrugged than in most of that Shakespeare stuff that nobody can understand, anyway. Those 1,168 pages BREEZE right by...if you're a rational human being. She's so not the Leni Riefenstahl of books."

Recovering Randroid Casper begs to differ suggesting, "If you have a table and one of it's legs are really, really, really f**ked up, you could use Atlas Shrugged to even it out."

In preparation for tonight's festivities Ubell has been setting aside a number of dog-eared Atlas Shrugged copies he says are for "The Sacrifice". "Every year we round up all the copies of Atlas Shrugged that still have a dedication to Nathaniel Branden and burn them into oblivion." Nathaniel Branden was a covert irrationalist operative who gained access into Ayn Rand's inner circle, and eventually, vagina during the late 50's and 60's. When asked for further comment Ubell snapped quickly, "We don't talk about Branden. He took advantage of the small scraps of irrational emotions Ayn still had in her. Let's just...let's just focus on the book.(sigh)"

"I think the appeal is that Atlas Shrugged is an enormously challenging book," says Leonard Peikoff. "The story is gripping. It's exciting. It's a mystery, as she(Rand) said, and people want to see how the mystery is resolved."

:::SPOILER::: It's ultimately resolved when the top minds of society abandon any concept of social responsibility and leave the less advantaged to perish in worldwide hellfire-damnation while the elite create a utopian capitalist paradise in which to live out the rest of their ideal days is perfect white harmony.

We at PLN are celebrating Ayn Rand's remarkable achievement as well! This year, every PLN employee gets 2 free paperback copies of the 50th anniversary Edition of Atlas Shrugged with all new cover-art that promises to contain more steely resolve and gripping symbolism than any other before it. After mandatorialy finishing the book each employee will then be required to submit a one and a half page report along with a signed statement that you got through all 1,168 pages. There will also be cake.

Friday, October 5, 2007


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Due to recent events it has become clear to the international community that the ghost of rabid communist dictator Salvador Allende still wisps through the streets of Chile. An activist Chilean judge has ordered the arrest of the wife of former respected dignitary Augusto Pinochet, and his 5 children. Also caught up in the far-left dragnet were 17 other Pinochet associates. Pinochet's wife and children were taken by rebel-caravan to the local stadium where they will await questioning. There are rumors that Mrs. Pinochet was taken to a secret military dungeon.

The judges "case" stems from the claims of many supporters of disgraced President Salvador Allende who was subject to a successful regime change when Pinochet democratically wrestled power away from him on Sept. 11th, 1973. Those wishing to see Chile sink again into the putrid depths of an all out communist pit of never ending economic and moral abysmallity have cleverly suggested that the Pinochets and their associates allegedly illegally hid 27 million dollars of public funds in American Bank accounts.

Astute analysts believe that the 27 million dollars was a trap set in motion by Allende on his way out the door. Dirk Allen Rector of the International Monetary Disbursement Bureau explains, "Allende basically planted these bank accounts on Pinochet in order to get back at him for successfully bringing an end to Chile's long nightmare of the Allende Presidency."

Chileans can feel their fragile democracy slipping away more and more by the second. "This is the REAL national nightmare. These leftists will start with the Pinochets and soon they'll be rounding up innocent people and shooting them in the streets. We need to stop this now! We need to root out these subversives!" says innocent Chilean businessman Bolivio Palacios. "They're making up these stories! Why would Pinochet put his money in an American bank? Pinochet had nothing to do with America!"

Guerrilla judge Judge Carlos Cerda said he ordered the arrests because of "solid indications that they had participated in the misuse of fiscal funds," during Pinochet's 1973-90 presidency. The judge fails to mention the millions upon possible billions Allende stole from Chile in the form of his radical communist policies.

Allende apologist and current Chilean President Michelle Bachelet said, "No one in Chile is above the law." Most observers admit that this could be a coded directive to the radical left wing of the Chilean military to start rounding up ALL Chileans who disagree with Bachelet's hard-line tactics.

Many had compared Pinochet to Myanmar's famous jailed hero Aung San Suu Kyi before his death as a political prisoner in 2006. Director of the Policy Alliance Institute Greg Allan Randal explains, "Pinochet and Suu Kyi are both heroic patriots who believed in freedom for all freedom-loving people. Both were placed under house arrest toward the end of their lives for devoting themselves to the fight against fascist regimes. And, both were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Now, Pinochet's family is carrying on his great legacy."

Looks like after we finish off Chavez the United States military might want to, once and for all, liberate Chile from the clutches of it's communist past.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


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The bread is crisp, the cheese is melted. The pickles are thin, the mojo is flo-jo. Ham, pork, and the perfect layer of mustard. The Cuban style sandwich,The Cuban cigar, and Cuban U.S. run military prisons. Some things you just can't hate about Cuba. Then there's the Cuban health care system.

Ever since Michael Moore decided to take on the health insurance industry with his film "Sicko" liberals have been running around like a bunch of angry geese, snapping their beaks and hissing about their "plans" to nationalize America's unique pay to play health care system.

The plan which has received the most amount of attention, thanks to a liberal-run mainstream media with orders to ensure an easy victory for Hillary in '08, has been Sen. Clinton's. Her "Health Care" plan hark-ens back to the same plan she tried to force-feed the American people when she was first lady.

"Maybe if Hillary wasn't so busy trying to Leninize our children's health services," says Jim Forrester of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies, "her husband might never have been impeached...if you know what I mean...blow-jobs."

According to Hillary's estimates, her health care plan will cost $110 Billion dollars per year!? Figures like this have E. Ted Grainer of the United Defense Subcontractors Association stunned to near blindness. "Look around the world in which we live today. You've got huge swatches of non-democratic countries all over the globe. Think of how much Democracy you could spread with $110 Billion dollars. She just wants to use it for band aids and crap?"

Unfortunately all health care experts are saying that Hillary comes across more like Nurse Ratched than Susan B. Anthony.

Clinton made her broken record record for repeated lies when she ironically proclaimed that her health care plan would not be government run, but would somehow extend health care giveaways to 47 million Americans who now CLAIM to be without health care.

Forrester points out, "This is clearly an extension of what she tried to do during her husband's wicked administration and failed to: a complete Chino-Cuban takeover of America's sacred free-market system."

A bullet-point run through of Clinton's plan reveals her true leanings:

- She demands that businesses force health insurance on their employees.

- She promised to raise taxes on the rich, essentially making their lives more unhealthy so that those who've chosen a less fortunate path can live out their luckless lives for that many more painful years or months, usually days.

- She coined a new phrase as the centerpiece of her campaign, "individual mandate" which is a leftist codeword for, "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Although Clinton emphatically catapults the assertion that her plan will not be Government-run, she makes no mention of WHO exactly WILL run the health care system she's envisioned. What Clinton fails to illustrate, PLN's own investigative reporter Fred Mendel has uncovered as something we're not going to believe.

"You're not going to BELIEVE this!" shouts Mendel. "Based on recently released secret documents, Hillary actually plans to funnel money for her so called health care plan through a front group run by the very same world-wide satanic lesbian cult that pulls her strings from behind closed doors: The Sisterhood."

This document was released to the public by the non-profit National Security Defense Archive in conjunction with the new book titled The Hillary File: A Declassified Dossier of Mendacity and Culpability. Here is the definitive proof, as written out on a bar napkin in Hillary's own handwriting:

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Note the sloppy wine stains.

Mendel points out the full litany of facts in his new hour-long special "You're STILL Not Going To Believe This!!" which will air tonight at 8pm, then repeated at 10pm and various times throughout the night ONLY on PLN.

Mendel will take us on a behind the scenes tour of the underground cult which claims it has, "as many members as their are women." Many experts have called "The Sisterhood" a real life version of "Skull and Bones", the cult which George W. Bush was never truly identified as a being a member of. Mendel will take us across the globe to places where "The Sisterhood" is gaining strength like:

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and South America:

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He'll even show us rare photos from Hillary's bizarre initiation ceremony:

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Mendel will explore the unique interlinking edicts that make up the Global Sisterhood Movement. "Each member of the Sisterhood believes in the destruction of capitalism, rule of women for women and only women, and they all share the desire to eliminate males of all genders through various subtle extermination tactics."

The special will surely point out that being a part of The Sisterhood is far more than simply mailing your "special pants" to girlfriends all across the globe, and far more dangerous.