Thursday, September 20, 2007

PLN - PATRIOTIC WHALES TAKE ONE FOR NATIONAL SECURITY - PRIME TOP STORY!!


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A federal appeals court panel ruled in favor of National Security recently by allowing the U.S. Navy to conduct necessary, high powered sonar exercises off the coast of Southern California. The swift, logical reversal of an activist judge's order to ban the practice has prompted liberal subversionists to try and halt the protection of innocent American lives in the name of environmentalism.


The National Resource Defense Council, a sister group of the ACLU and Klu Klux Klan, has all ready filed a borderline-terrorist lawsuit to halt the use of a defense sonar which has currently been patented by the U.S. Armed Forces under the name of "Freedom Waves". The NRDC claims that the sonar, which lobs underwater sound bursts, is so loud that it actually kills whales.


Patriotic 9th Circuit Court of Appeals judge Andrew Klienfeld spoke for the majority of Americans stating, "The public does have a very considerable interest in preserving...relatively scarce whales." However, he explained his support for the sonar tests stating, "We are engaged in a war in two countries."


What many so-called environmentalists fail to point out is fact that whales have sonars of their own which can give the Navy sonars a run for their money. In fact, many see the underwater sonar tests as a form of instant karma for whales. Naval engineer Thomas Gordon explains, "Whales f**k with our sonars ALL THE TIME. You have no idea what it's like being involved in a high stakes National Security sonar drill and you can't hear anything because a couple of whales are talking about some useless bulls**t."


Experts in all fields are advising Americans, who are more concerned with fighting 9-11 than sucking up to some over-sized fish, not to take all their anger out on the whales. Based on careful consideration their anger should be directed toward groups like the NRDC and it's co-horts like Code-Pink and the Esalen Institute. Frustrated citizen Al Paulo shakes his head and mourns, "We know it isn't the whales who are undermining National Security, but you can't help but get mad at them just the same." Paulo then proceeded to throw his hat on the ground and kick it twice.


PLN's own ecological expert Fran Barlson gives a more level headed explanation of why the whales actually BENEFIT from high powered sonar testing, "If it's in the best interest of American National Security, it's in the best interests of whale security. America is the only country that would ever allow groups like the NRDC and Greenpeace to exist. If this world were suffering under global fundamental Islamic rule, as most liberals would have it, whales would be used from baleen to blowhole for every atom of every ounce of sweet whale fat, meat, and bone to keep the savage roving tribes warm for one more hedonistic night. Any whales that die from these sonar tests? Heroes."


In the light of all that evidence, the NRDC still vows to expend all their energy to see to it that Osama Bin Laden and Al-Qaeda in Iraq have a free and easy ocean pathway to American shores by coining fancy whale-death buzzwords like "acoustic trauma" and "mass strandings".


Barlson retorts, "If they're expecting to see dead whales crowd the shores like zombie-Grunion, that's just not going to happen. Not that they wouldn't love it if it did. Everybody knows that nothing makes an environmentalist feel more self satisfied than a bunch of dead whales."

PLN - BIN LADEN, OLDER - PRIME TOP STORY!!


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Everyone on the street wants to know: Have you seen the video? What was he wearing? Is he still mad at us? And, ultimately: Can Bin Laden make a comeback, or is too late?

Bin Laden and his agent aren't the only ones pulling for a comeback this year. The whole Muslim world, tired of Muqtada Al Sadr's stale jams and jacked up teeth, are clamoring for someone to step in and say, "Here I am. Now is the moment. I'm ready for my close up."

With a new video and companion audio recording Bin Laden feels like it's really HIS time again. His last video was released in 2004 and his most recent audio single was cut in June 2006.

Many in the industry were worried that Bin Laden would never record again, but now it looks like these new tracks are a promise of things to come. Critics are calling Bin Laden's most recent work reminiscent of George Micheal's comeback attempt with the album "Older", released in 1996. He's got a new look, a softer message, and it's very much crafted, understated, and ultimately unsatisfying.

In the video Bin Laden calls for young Muslims to follow his example which shows he's keen on the attracting the youth audience which is so important for mainstream, world-wide success. In an earlier video, which many believe he released as a trailer for the new recording, Bin Laden urged Americans to convert to Islam, and proceeded to mock American ways of life including: Capitalism, Democracy, and financial and military assistance to countries who stay in line.

"This video isn't simply an appeal to his rabid Muslim base in the Middle East. It's a call to all the supporters of Bin Laden in white countries like Great Britain, America, and in some cases Australia. It's a call to all the Tim Robbins's and the Warren Beatty's to get their far left flocks in line to subvert the American system of freedom and security," notes PLN National Security Adviser Kern Smith.

Lately, Bin Laden has been marginalized by the sympathetic liberal media. Many have called him a merely "symbolic figure", a "patsy", and "so yesterday". Even George W. Bush himself said he, "wasn't that concerned with him." PLN's Cultural Affairs reporter Harvey Lortz sums up his predicament, "It got old. He need to take a break, change his look, spend a little more time with his Kabbalah or whatever. You'll notice his new beard is getting rave reviews. Laden's obviously saying, "Look at me. I may be hooked up a dialysis machine in a cave somewhere, but you know something, no little gray hair's gonna give me the blues."

The fact that Bin Laden didn't move much in the video has prompted some to ask questions about his health. Experts have commented that Bin Laden looks, "plugged in", a reference either to his dependency on dialysis machines or his widening influence on a growing number of angry Middle Easterners.

What a number of analysts find interesting about Bin Laden's latest PR blitz is the fact that he didn't release his product through his usual venue, Terrorist News Station Al-Jazerra, instead allowing his fans to download it straight from the internet through various Muslim related web pages like Youtube.

Only time will tell whether or not Bin Laden's got the goods to extend his run into his later years ala Kylie Minogue or if he will fade into obscurity like the Sandy Dennis, Gloria Estephan, or Selena(Seriously, what ever happened to her?).

Lortz points out the easiest way Bin Laden could put himself back on the map. "Turn yourself in. Look, The President still has at least two years left to find Bin Laden, so he should just turn himself in and use that momentum to do a little touring."

No matter if his popularity is up or down he's clearly the most popular Bin Laden, which is just how Bin Laden likes it. "If you go to Wikipedia and type in "Bin Laden" it doesn't exactly ask you if you meant Geoffrey Bin Laden," says Lortz. "Bin Laden has what psychologists call the "38th Child Syndrome". It's a deep need for approval which manifests itself in acting out violently towards innocent people such as Israel and it's supporters. This is clearly a guy who's in it to win it, stay on top, and at the same time destroy freedom as we know it."

Its just the right combination to make everybody ask: What WILL he do next?!

PLN - LIBERALS AFRAID OF HARMLESS LAZERS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Imagine the scenario: Angry illegal immigrants swarm the streets stealing jobs, raping freedoms, and leaving a trail of tall-can Modelos in their economically destructive path. It's something Buck Stillweather of the Alpha Division of the Arizona Minutemen sees everyday.

"Tell ya what," says Stillweather, "them crowd control gun rays is the sure-fire thing we need out here on the border! We need one of them GIANT border control death rays...gun ray, or whatever it is. Yeah, death ray."

Actually it's not really a "death ray" as Stillweather has been fooled by violent space operas like "Star Wars" into believing. Buck has simply allowed himself to be manipulated by propaganda giants like Hollywood liberal George Lucas and his pals Joseph Campbell and totalitarian Bill Moyers.

What Stillweather was referring to is America's patented Active Denial System(ADS), a 100 percent non-lethal, humane, and peaceful crowd control device developed by the Pentagon at a cost of $62 million dollars.

Nestled atop overly armored Humvees the Active Denial System omits a millimeter-thick ray that makes evil doers feel like they've been touched by an invisible beam, and that their skin is "on fire". As long as they're not holding any metal objects they should be just fine. The worst things that Active Denial Systems can do to a terroist include such uncommon reactions as burning, scarring, and blindness in varying degrees depending upon where the beam hits and how much metal you happen to be carrying at the time.

"I've always said, 'Feeling like your skin is on fire is better than your skin actually being on fire,'" mused a recently retired Secretary of Defense in response to criticism of the Active Denial System. "Besides, it's a millimeter wave! That's the smallest measurement on the ruler for Pete's sake."

Pentagon spokesperson W.S. Gainsworth pointed out the much celebrated fact that, "We've managed to pinpoint the happy median between psychological and physical torture. Essentially it's like a torture device, but without any of the actual torture."

Advanced Geneva conventionists will tell you that compared to what went on in Abu Ghraib, which wasn't actually torture, these crowd control rays will be like treating terrorists and dissenters to a gourmet meal followed by hot oil rub downs with all the trimmings.

Liberals, the ACLU, and a gang bang of Hollywood leftists have banded together to defend the rights of terrorists who target large crowds, anti-American demonstrators who undercut the Democratic way of life, and illegal Mexicans.

Because of the left's strong-arm influence on every aspect of American life, the Pentagon has postponed the use of Active Denial Systems thereby guaranteeing a marked decrease in the quality of life for freedom loving people throughout the world. Economists, attempting to make the most out of a defeatist situation, have suggested selling the ADS Humvees to Chile, Saudi Arabia, or some other country that actually has the balls to keep a crowd in it's place.

All senior and junior military analysts agree in conjunction with one another that America would have had the Iraq War wrapped up in a standard sized gift basket with enough time and man power to deal with the rapidly spreading "Venezuelan Problem" if only we'd used the Active Denial System from the get-go.

A top graduate of the prestigious School of the Americas points out, "America used ADS systems in the Panamanian War, only then they were 50 times stronger. You didn't see nobody complaining at that time. We cut houses right in half. I swear, it was like ants under a magnifying glass. See how easy that war was? And, that was in the 1980's! Good days, my friend."

It's only a matter of time before the far left in this country understands that we're cutting them a break. As Gainsworth astutely points out, "ADS makes sense. Someone who thinks they're on fire is a lot happier than someone with bullets inside of them. It's simple math." The best way for honorary Russians like Tim Robbins, Chevy Chase, and Whoopi Goldberg to understand the truth about ADS is to step up an take a shot for themselves.

Trust us: It only FEELS like it hurts.

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PLN - CHUPACABRA: ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET?

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Toys Of Terror
"I bought my child an Easy Bake Oven that almost melted his G*d damn face off!" cried concerned parent Dutch O'Neill in regard to a dangerous, slave assembled part of China's conspiracy to commit global genocide against the civilized capitalist world. All evidence points to the fact that China is attempting to wipe out an entire generation of American children with high levels of the multi-toxic lead paint with which it uses to make popular toys for sale in the United States and other freedom loving countries.

A massive recall has been issued for over 1 million Chinese made toys, worldwide, for a diverse variety of unmet safety standards including:

- Barbie clothes that melt into a noxious green goo when contacted by sunlight.

- Toy guns that fire potentially fatal, live rounds of ammunition.

&

- Face melting Easy Bake Ovens.

American consumers, sparked by a patriotic sense of activism have begun a boycott of Chinese products. Father of children Dutch O'Neill explains, "The first time it happened I thought, 'Well, it's slave labor, so I'll just let it slide.' The next two times I was like, 'No way!' Then after the sixth injury we decided to quit buying Chinese made toys."

Along with the health of an entire generation of children, American business faces catastrophic consequences as a result of China's unprovoked attack. Toy maker Mattel is reaping massive condemnation from unpatriotic citizens who blame America first when we're attacked by terrorists and foreigners. "They used toys like Bin Laden used air planes," a prime spokesperson for the State Department was quoted as saying. "Of course many are going to play politics as usual and support terrorists, but we know an act of war when we see one."

In response to the uncovering of their massive plot, the Chinese government went on the offensive by highlighting several "quality issues" they've had with American products entering their country. China claims it has found microscopic worms inside wooden packaging from the United States as well as "substandard vitamins" for "children".

Global export/import expert Joe Kral explained China's obviously insane state of desperation stating, "Look, the worms they found were microscopic which means they had to look pretty damn hard to even find them. Besides, microscopic worms aren't going to electrocute any children when they turn them on like so many of the Dora the Explorer lamps that were manufactured in China from mid 2006 to August 2007."

Many child psychologists fault China for turning so many of our beloved childhood icons into brightly colored messengers of death and injury. "I remember a time when Barbie Dolls weren't an instrument of global holocaust," recalls Agnes Rose, a lifelong collector of Mattel products. "Now, it seems like you can't buy anything for your children that doesn't poison, shock, or potentially asphyxiate them. I miss the good old days. F**k China."

As for the charge of "substandard vitamins", China may have even more explaining to do. Less than 8 percent of all Chinese herbal remedies sold over the Internet have proven to produce the desired pheremonal results advertised. "They've been ripping us off in vitamins for years," recalls Del Smith who runs GongwatchUSA.com, a non profit organization committed to rooting out acts of Chinese retail terrorism. "This whole toy thing is going to rip the covers off one of the biggest threats to our Earth's population ever: trade with China. It goes deeper than anyone can even imagine. From Rhino Horn cut with chalk powder to Ginseng containing less than half it's marketed potency levels, the Chinese should be the last to complain about lackluster nutritional supplements."

Even online conspiracy theorists have had their crack at the China story. One eager youngster who blogs under the name of "Gregor" made an interesting case in regard to China's sad history of economic terrorism stating emphatically, "I have conclusive proof that the blood thirsty Chupacabra of Mexico is most likely a rat so horribly mutated by the deplorable conditions on Chinese shipping boats they ate the crew, steered the ship toward land, and grounded in Mexico where they've continued to rampage-bloody up to this very day."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketChinacabra: Simulated Depiction

Many are saying that the solution to this problem is not to cut off trade with China, but for China to either lower their prices significantly over the next few years and months or face possible consequences. With unanimous, across the board support of a world community torn apart by Chinese products America had considered using military force, but has settled on a more diplomatic option.

"If China perhaps were to forgive the 321 billion dollars we owe them in debt," observes an unnamed State Department official, "maybe we'll look the other way."

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Katie Davis, near collapse, pays a steep price for her love of toys.

PLN - STRENGTH THROUGH ACTUAL STRENGTH - PRIME TOP STORY


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"When I first saw the pictures I went like, 'Oh My God!' (sigh)", was fifteen year old Kaitlynn Dryer's reaction when she opened up her copy of Teen Weekly to be confronted with topless pictures of stern, supple Russian leader Vladimir Putin.


Putin was photographed on a vacation in the Siberian mountains with Prince Albert II of Monaco. The shoot took a turn for the manly, as shirts were abandoned and it became something of a "coming out" for Putin as a model of Aryan perfection.


The pictures of the fishing trip, however, were just the beginning. Next week the 2008 Vladamir Putin calendar goes on mandatory sale in Russia. Everyone will be lining up to buy them tomorrow because they simply have to, by law.


The calendar promises to be a departure for Putin. In addition to more fishing shots there will also be stills of:


- Putin as a firefighter


- Putin as an open-collard pirate


- Putin the topless chemist


Other outfits and locations are being placed under heavy secrecy, but there's talk of possible "Farmer Putin", "Zorro Putin", and "Putin the American Police Officer" photos as well. The information was released on the internet, but the Russian sources have been declared missing as of 20 minutes after posting the breaking news.


As a bonus feature each section of the Putin 2008 calendar can be torn out and placed easily into any locker, cubicle, or auto repair shop.


With Putin so hot, out there, and easily accessible he's really taking the ex-KGB strongman vibe to a whole new level. This month Putin might end up being on more magazine covers than Brittany, Paris, and Nicole Richie combined. Putin's Men's Health magazine cover story will coincide with a Time Magazine cover story about his possible role in the murders of several well known dissidents most notably Russian spy, and former lover to George Soros, Alexander Litvinenko and nosy unembedded reporter Anna Politkovskaya.


Some paranoid over-observers believe that Putin's show of physical strength is actually a symbolic presentation of political power. Putin's critics say his latest round of super hot pictures show a defiant Putin, not ready to step down from power as he's set to do next year. His critics also go so far as to accuse Putin of having both Politkovskaya and Litvinenko murdered because they were critical of his administration.


A spokesperson for the Putin administration shrugged off the obviously slanderous accusations stating, "It's false! Anyone who knows anything about cloak and dagger operations which are used to silence overzealous traitors knows that Putin would never have enough time to build firm, solid chest muscles and plot covert murder at the same time. Let alone with the time he must spend on his upper arms!"


Putin's supporters see the backlash against their leader's stellar photo shoot as more an issue of jealousy than political concern. "People are coming up with all these rumors, stories, and fictions to try and discredit Putin, for what? They are jealous. They are jealous of Putin's physical prowess, evenhanded leadership, and vein laid-en forearms. They are trying to bring down this gorgeous man so adored by pre-pubescent girls and people the world over."


As for high school student Kaitlynn Dryer, she's made up her mind. "Putin's hot. I think he should be leader of the whole world. I'd totally vote for him."


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PLN - FRANCE ECLAIRS WAR ON IRAN! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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In an act of blockbuster diplomacy France's brave new President Nicolas Sarkozy called for swift, unilateral, and/or nuclear military action against the terrorist nation of Iran. Out of evolutionary cowardice, however, the clearly French President didn't say whether or not his country would participate in such an imminent, morally justified action.


American patriots are breathing a sigh of relief as Sarkozy turns out to be a Frenchy they can finally deal with. Earl Hutcherson calls it like it is from his front porch saying, "Chir-ac was just one of them bad apples. If we can get a couple more Sarkozys in Congress and Latin America we might end up living in a peaceful world after all."


Senior Pentagon spokesperson Ed Randal took the level headed position in his assessment of a possible war against Iran stating, "Iran is almost ALL radical Islamics...Islamis. You know what I mean. There are zero Iranian civilians left who aren't rabid extremists in the mold of Bin Laden, Moussaoui, and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez."


Foreign policy experts called everyone they know and love inside Iran and have told them to get out after Sarkozy took his bold stand. "Right now Iran is wringing yellow liquid out of it's socks," continues Hutcherson, "If the French want your ass on a plate, you KNOW you must have done something wrong. Anyone with electricity will tell you that a French green light basically gives the United States the "Go Ahead!" it demands to launch a full scale blitz on the whole of Iran."


A recently retired Secretary of Defense stated in regard to the issue, "Getting France on board is like having the U.N., Butros Gali, and the whole Dali Lama crowd all in one. Bombs away."


Some are saying that Sarkozy's "rhetoric" comes from "out of the bleu", and have gone so crazy as to criticize Sarkozy for his strength and resolve in the face of a sure-fire Islamotastrophe.


As Sarkozy made his historic remarks his popularity amongst the people of France has soared to heights of 60%-70% approval.


President Bush weighed in on Sarkozy's grand testimony profoundly stating, "This guy...sorry. Fella. This fella, Sarkozy, is a fella committed to something that I think is...um...very...worth while, uh, and that's Middle East peace process. Which of course is, uh, can only be achieved by rooting out all Al Qaeda terrorists like Zarqawi and 9-11."


Sarkozy even went the extra mile to suggest that France might actually end up being "OK" with the war in Iraq if America cleans Iran's clock in an orderly fashion.


While still a stubborn believer in so called "global warming", Sarkozy seems to have taken an even and honest approach toward every other issue.


Looks like we might finally be able to meet our old friends half way with the reinstatement of "French Freedom Fries."

PLN READER CORRECTION CORRECTIONS

PLN READER COMMENTS ON CHAVEZ BULLETIN "ERRORS"


Problems with your bulletin



A) In the past 7 years Hugo Chavez has won 10 free and fair democratic elections



PLN says: If Hugo Chavez is such a big election winner, why does he want to do away with elections? Seems he'd want to have more if he's 7 for 10, as you say he is.



B) In 2001 Camorna came to power in a milatary Coup De Ta where they kidnapped Chavez - CAMORNA HAS NEVER WON AN ELECTION IN VENEZUELA



PLN: He may never have won an "election" in Venezuela, but he won the hearts of the people.



C) This coup was backed by the true tyrants of freedom in central America the United States of America



PLN: Wow. Maybe there are a few freedom haters in Central America, but come on. North America is Freedom Central, everybody knows that.



D) Chavez is a socialist he taxes the riches and gives better amenities to the poor - the complete opposite of Pinochet who was again supported by USA



PLN: Chavez is a communist. He taxes the rich, and fattens up the poor so he can eat them later. All communists have been proven evil by natural laws, scientists, theologians, and special interest groups. As for Pinochet, his only problem was not expanding Operation Condor into Venezuela to root out Chavez in his teens.



E) Under Chavez Venezuela has been involved in ZERO military conflicts



PLN: But he refused to send troops to Iraq, so in that way he's supporting terrorism.



F) The only opposition to Chavez is the rich who suffer from higher taxes and American oil corporations who were kicked out when he nationalized the oil industry.



PLN: You forgot to mention the civilized world.



G) Venezuela, if you had ever bothered to go, has complete freedom of speech. One section of the media calls him a Nazi another a Communist the others a national hero.



PLN: At least some of the Venezuelan media are allowed to tell the truth. Hopefully they can keep their identities under wraps, therefore live another month.



---- one piece of advice by so troubled propagandist never believe what the American government spews up on fox news and always check allegations with genuine evidence; the rich control the media the poor control the elected government -------
PEACE



PLN: ----But, the rich also control the poor, so where does that leave you? Please keep making Prime Legitimate News your ONLY source for even and honest news, all the time!
PEACE, at what price?
The PLN News Team

PLN - SEN. CRAIG FRAMED BY VERY GAY COPS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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This sort of thing happens all the time and it often sweeps up members of the highest echelon of society. Gay cops, prowling for man-sex in public places, accidentally hit on a prominent law-abiding member of society thereby setting off a chain reaction that alters legitimate lives in rather unfortunate ways. The pervert cops panic when confronted by a well respected law maker. Not wanting to be caught and fired for hitting on strange men, they orchestrate an elaborate plot to turn the tables on the very person they've all ready victimized. Confusing? That's just how these criminal police officers want it to seem.


It all happened like this: Idaho Senator Larry Craig was in the airport making his daily check on National Security in a post 9-11 world when he suddenly needed to take a sit-down piss. When Craig entered the random airport bathroom he saw this cop with a HUGE mustache staring at him from an adjacent stall as though he were one of those "types". Craig chose the stall next to the shifty character in order to monitor his actions. They were, after all, inside an airport in a post 9-11 world.


As Congressman Craig began to feel watched by the perpetrator he became nervous thereby increasing the width of his stance which is the scientifically proven instinctual behavior of all primates in peril. The gay cop then tried to turn an innocent man's right to personal space into a game of "footsie". This is when Senator Craig lost control. He knew he either had to bolt fast, or risk fatally subduing this airport pervert with a judo throw into the bathroom mirrors.


The disgraced officer in the stall next to him panicked when confronted by Craig's swift resolve. Feeling trapped he decided to turn the tables and scare Craig, who was ready to throw down, by showing him his police officer business card.


"These guys thought, 'Holy crap, this man's a senator. He'll bust us for sure. Let's make it look like we're arresting him!'" observes PLN crime psychologist Philip Rice.


The officer put up an amazingly professional front calling the situation an "undercover investigation" when confronted with Craig's true identity of a crime fighting lawmaker, which Craig revealed in pitch perfect Dirty Harry fashion as he took out one of his own congressional business cards and said through gritted teeth, "What do you think about that?"


Rice explains, "This cop tried to say, 'Look, I'm a cop too. Don't get me in trouble.' When he saw that Senator Craig wasn't going to take no guff, that's when the real trouble began."


At first Craig tried to let the crooked cops off the hook stating that the whole thing was just a, "he said/he said misunderstanding." When the officers attempted to make a criminal out of Craig, he stopped being Mr. Nice Guy. In a fit of rage Senator Craig accidentally pled guilty to "lewd conduct" which he explained stating, "When I said 'guilty', I thought we were talking about those cops. They were in it to get me one way or another from the second I entered that bathroom. Everybody knows that."


Everybody who's not inundated by the slanderous liberal media might know the truth, but if you were to take their story word for word you'd think that Senator Craig had donkey-punched 8 blind boy-scouts in a burning shack. All experts agree that the liberals saw Larry Craig as a top Presidential contender in 2012, as well as a possible Vice Presidential nominee if Mitt Romney were to win the Republican nomination for President in 2008. He needed to be brought down, and slander was the only way they could do it. Many see this as a possible set up by Hillary Clinton's covert "Secret Police" as revenge for Senator Craig's scathing indictment of sex fiend Bill Clinton's White House miscumduct.


Senator Craig might have to put his future political prospects on hold for the time being so he can, aside from spending more time with his family, bring down the renegade homosexual fringe of law enforcement so hell bent on misusing their powers and American tax dollars to spread the Gay Agenda.


The guilty officers also managed to extort $575 from Craig in the form of so called "fines" and "fees". Craig will also be put under a year long probation which many have called "legalized stalking". Legal analysts are saying, "These sado-fascist cops can basically call up Craig anytime they want to "check" on him. They've basically made a sex slave of this man for 365 days. If he wasn't gay before..."

PLN - PLN KNOWZ WHERE DA PARTY AT, BRATCH - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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West Virginia University won the top spot in this year's Princeton Review annual list of the top 20 party schools. WVU is celebrating the 7th time in the last 15 years that the school's been voted into the top 20.


Student Ashley "Smash" Jenkins explains the reasons why, "Whatever you want is here. Every scene, it's all here, every night. Who are you with?"


When I told her I was with PLN she seemed impressed, but I could tell she hadn't seen me on TV yet. I gave her my personal Myspace. I'm sure she'll check it out. It's all about being in the right place at the right time.


Putting this year's contest into perspective one celebratory student who goes by the name of "Gornt" stated, "This is huuuuuuuge! We haven't been number one since 1997!" Last year WVU took bronze as the University of Austin, TX won the gold. Austin University student Darrin "Force" Bittner mourned loudly, "I can't believe we lost to those pussies!" He then broke down into tears, "We did so much last year. So much."


Of course the incoming WVU Dean had to put up a professional front stating, "I'm sure the students have important issues on their minds like the excellent year they have ahead of them and their futures in the gl--," The new Dean was interrupted as a flaming brick crashed through his office window. After stomping out the quickly spreading flames his veneer broke a bit. "Jesus! Have you had a chance to talk to last year's Dean? Yeah, cause he can't talk anymore. These kids took the piss completely out of him. What happened to that man, his family, daughters...pets...stock portfolio. The students left nothing of that man."


When I asked for further proof of lower standards for student behavior the Dean produced a picture:


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"It's what young people call a beer bong. The problem is that this was built by our top engineering student. It was his thesis. If this is the future of America, I'm moving to Iraq."


I had to leave the Dean's office. He was starting to bum me out, and besides I had a meeting with "Smash" in order to further discuss some school stuff. She led me into her dorm room which was decorated by what seemed like the thousands of Mardi Gras beads she's accumulated during her first 3 months of attendance at WVU.


"I go to class when I feel like it cause it's totally chill here. Most of the god damn teachers are so f**king wasted off their asses anyways, you know like...(breaks into laughter) (snorts) I can't believe I just did that! (snorts again) Holy shit!"


She went on to share some of the copyrighted WVU party practices which helped win them the gold this year including:


- Rohypnol Parties: Wild parties in which admission is granted only after each person has ingested at least 2 doses of the popular recreational drug.


- Mascot Sexual Humiliation: In which a rival mascot is kidnapped, photographed and videotaped in several sexually compromising situations. A MySpace is then created to showcase the images and videos.


- Condom Swapping: No student seems willing to answer questions about this one, offering only the advice that I should, "Try it, for serious."


I was able to catch up with the only member of the Campus Christian Club in order to get his take on the WVU experience. He was glad to talk to someone. "The only reason you're talking to me now is cause I registered for that club on the first day of school. Right when I did that I was hooded and driven to this house. I've been chained to this refrigerator for 32 days. I'm relieved someone found me."

PLN refused to release the student, not wanting to interfere with centuries-old fraternal practices. He was found 2 days later buried in the Dean's back yard. The Dean couldn't help but complain about it, "The pranks at this school have gone from ludicrous to capitally criminal. I demand a stop to this barbarism!"


Back at the dorm Smash took a hit off her mardi gras bead covered bong and exhaled while saying, "Whatevers. The Dean's got a bug way up his ass. That Jesus dude was asking for it. I hear they don't even snort coke."


The records are published in the 2008 edition of "The Best 366 Colleges" based on a wide ranging survey taken during the 2006-2007 school year.

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Special thanks to Smash.

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PLN - IRAQI PM TAKES BLAME FOR IRAQ WAR - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Iraqi PM Takes Blame For Iraq War

With all the heat and condemnation being heaped upon him by the world community, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has decided to take full responsibility for the catastrophe that is the war in Iraq.

Even by liberal standards al-Maliki has let down his people, the American people, and Democracy itself by not taking hold of the victory baton in the global relay race that is the War on Terror. In fact, the only people al-Maliki seems to be serving are the insurgents whom he lets run wildly through the streets like so many Spanish bulls.

Historians are all quick to point out that Nouri al-Maliki is a divider, not a uniter, and therefore is not at all like President Bush. Unlike Bush, al-Maliki has failed miserably in bringing about reconciliation between his country's political and ethnic factions. Iraqi Democracy expert Dave Peterson points it out clearly stating, "If President Bush had found a man more in his image to take power in Iraq, we wouldn't have all these problems today."

Amongst his many problems, half of al-Maliki's cabinet refuse to attend meetings. Half of the half that refuse to show up have resigned while the remaining quarter simply don't want to be in the same room together. One outside observer pointed out, "The half of his cabinet that does show up?...It's the shi**y half."

Even embattled Vice President Dick Cheney has predicted that the al-Maliki government is, "in it's last throes" which could mean he'll still be in power for years to come. Meanwhile, many have compared al-Maliki to such huge leadership failures as Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton if she were ever to be put in such a position in real-life politics.

The Iraqi Parliament will take up the matter of al-Maliki's removal when it comes back from it's summer break in November.

A majority of fair minded analysts are demanding that al-Maliki be replaced by Eyad Allawi who many will remember from his brief but stellar role as interim Iraqi Prime Minister. After Allawi paves the way for Ahmed Chalabi to become Iraq's next democratically elected leader, Iraq should be stable enough for the United States and it's massive coalition to begin a slow withdrawal of contractors, followed by the consideration of limited troop withdrawal.

Only then can someone on the Iraqi side earn the right to stand on one of their own air craft carriers and proclaim in what ever language they speak, "Mission Accomplished."

PLN - CHAVEZ BECOMES NEXT HITLER! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Ready, Set, Hitler!

Unpredictable and dangerous Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has taken one final political step before officially becoming the next Adolph Hitler. In an unprecedented move the Venezuelan "Congress", made up of mostly shamans, witch doctors, and tribal chiefs appointed by Chavez, has given approval to allow Chavez to rule with an iron-spiked fist of global oppression for the next 7 years to the rest of his life. It's up to the free world to decide which will come first.

Chavez, who undemocratically wrestled power away from Constitutionally appointed President Pedro Carmona in 2002, claims the lifting of his term limits received, "majority approval." Oppressed members of the opposition predict the reforms will allow Chavez to emulate his heroes like Pinochet, Castro, and Genghis Khan.

Most Venezuelans, hungry for Democracy and freedom, mourn the latest actions by the Chavez government. One desperate street roaming vagrant screamed out, "With these new policies the true leader of Venezuela may never take his rightful place as President of our impoverished country! Long live Carmona!!"

Carmona, who replaced Chavez as President until some of the more cocaine-crazed members of Chavez's military restored their narco-terrorist leader back to power, was the author of the revolutionary "Carmona Decree". The Carmona Decree, had it been enacted, would have permanently rid the Western Hemisphere of Soros-funded, socialist dictators bent on attacking America.

The winds of change are truly blowing through the streets of Venezuela as the people begin organizing marches against the Chavez government, demanding Carmona's return to power. Public perception of Chavez turned sour when he used his rapidly expanding Presidential power to shut down an innocent TV news station whose only crime was standing up for democracy in a post 9-11 world.

PLN tyranny expert Ted Christie points out the obvious saying, "Imagine if America had a strong arm socialist like Al Gore as President and he shut down PLN. He just walks right into the Prime Legitimate News building and pulls the plug. All 28 stories go dark. Americans would riot in the m**her fu*king streets."

One of the few shirt-wearing members of the Venezuelan assembly, Ismael Garcia, argued that all political points of view must be represented in Venezuela. No word yet on whether Garcia will receive a stadium execution.

For the Venezuelan people there is only quiet hope. The most optimistic rumors place Carmona living amongst Venezuelan exiles in Miami, but as everyone suffering under Chavez's sadistic repression knows, he could very well be withering away in one of Venezuela's many state-run death camps.

No matter where he is, on the streets of Venezuela you can be sure of one thing. If you're very quiet you can hear the people's hearts crying out into the night, "Carmona."

PLN - LIGHTS OUT FOR PALESTINIAN TERRORISTS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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The Anti-Surge

The Palestinian citizens of Gaza had the festive opportunity to break out the candles and flashlights this week as their electricity had been shut off due to the actions of their terrorist government, Hamas. Responding to reports that Hamas has been siphoning off funds from aid shipments, the European electricity donors stopped all inflowing electro-aid.

"The message should be clear. Support terror, lose basic utilities," a European Union spokesperson said at press conference in Europe.

Residents of Gaza improvised playful games of musical houses, following the irregular power supply in order to charge their lap tops, cell phones, and dialysis machines.

The people who are truly reaping the benefits of this refreshing break from the norm are those who have electricity generators to sell. As one excited Gaza citizen told PLN, "If you have a generator, you basically own the goose that lays golden eggs. You are a king here. Your chances of scoring are higher than the 70% increase in the price of generators since last year."

The generator business is so brisk people like Mahmoud Zayyad, who owns a popular home supply shop gushed at the thought of all the profits to be gained stating, "We don't have enough generators. People need electricity. We need more generators!"

The lack of electricity goes to show Hamas that the civilized world will not deal with a terrorist government. The lesson here is: if you support terror, we will strike at the heart of your government by plunging it's people into prehistoric darkness.

A recently retired Secretary of Defense suggested that the Western world should take advantage of this unique opportunity saying, "Maybe while the lights are off, Israel can sneak in there and spruce the place up a bit."

Hamas has controlled the Israeli territorial portion of Gaza since it massacred Fatah forces there in June. The rabid terrorist group even went so far as to arrest the Fatah appointed electric company director on corruption charges, but the case doesn't hold water in the eyes of the national community since Gazan law demands that there needs to be at least one goat on the jury.

For now Gazans can enjoy the renewed appreciation for electricity that you can only feel when it's taken out of your life.

PLN - CANADA STARTS WORLD WAR III - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has recently completed a three day trip to the far North of the globe, and has pledged to spend billions of dollars(Canadian) in order to defend Canada's "national sovereignty" in the Arctic. All this grand standing comes one week after Russian submarines dropped a Russian flag on the floor of the Arctic Ocean.

All analysts agree that with tension running high in a freshly democratized Iraq, terrorists running wild in Afghanistan ever since the cut and runners started micro managing the War on Terror, and Iran being what it is, Canada should know better than to provoke Russia with unnecessary land grabs. Canada has even gone so far as to announce the construction of a massive underwater fort smack-dab in the middle this Arctic war-zone.

Meanwhile the Russians are defending the actions of the submarine crew stating, "Look, we may have dropped a flag. I think we may have also dropped some shirts and a couple of used magazines. The only things we're guilty of are loving sea exploration and littering. No more, perhaps less."

In order to quell any disputes America has sent in several teams of scientists, contractors, as well as private and public military personnel to the Arctic. The Americans will oversee the conflict as Canada, Russia, Venezuela, Norway, and long shot Denmark battle it out to gain control of the Arctic seabed that the U.S. Geological Society estimates contains as much as 25% of the world undiscovered oil and natural gas.

Spokesperson for the Canadian Prime Minister made a desperate effort to convince the world how much Canada had really loved "their" arctic seabed all along as he railed off a litany of liberal buzz words ranging from "environmental protection" to "resource based potential" and even playing the whole "national sovereignty" card. All the while Prime Minister Harper has begun what looks to be his own Blitzkrieg, increasing the size of his Arctic battleship fleet by 25% in order to eliminate all opposition.

A spokesperson for the US State Dept. asserts that, "Canada does not own the Arctic Northwest. These are neutral waters, and neutral waters are just that: neutral. These waters don't know who owns them. We, as Americans, simply want to make certain that which ever country ends up in complete control of the ice...shelf or whatever it is, is a stable Democracy."

Russians claim that because the ice shelf contains the Lomonosov ridge, a 1,240 mountain range extending from the Eurasian continent, that the land is theirs under international law. By that same logic the Bering Straight is part of Alaska therefore Russia is U.S. territory.

The reason for the sudden influx in interest in this spicy piece of real estate stems from one of the many hidden benefits of global warming. As global warming melts the Northwest Passage, sweet slices of oil-packed land become exposed. The rapid melting will also create a an attractive shipping route, a new Panama Canal of sorts, through which commercial ships can shave 2,480 miles of their trips from Europe to Asia.

Since America has had a hugely successful history as guardian of the Panama canal, it only seems natural that we oversee the New Alaskan canal as well. Heck, we might even make it our 51st state!

PLN - THE REAL NARCO-TERRORISTS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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In a move that rivals the British tea tax of 1773, liberals in the rogue state of California have moved to increase the tax on popular flavored malt beverages like Zima, Smirnoff Ice, and Smirnoff Ice Triple Black from 20 cents a gallon to a whopping $3.30 per gallon! The idea is to punish the manufacturers of the drinks for supposedly marketing the beverages to children. The tax increase will take effect in July 2008.

Proponents of the move to more than double the tax on these zesty beverages believe that adding to the price of the drinks will discourage children from drinking alcohol.

"The overarching policy concern here was...under-aged drinking," says tax board chairwoman Betty Yee. Yee believes that the makers of refreshing beverages such as Zima and Smirnoff Ice have purposefully made it, "look like you're drinking something hip."

Head of Marketing for the Valencia Beverage Co. Ken R. Stevenson agrees, but doesn't see things exactly the same way. "If Mrs. Yee thinks that cracking open a bottle of one of our many flavored tickets to paradise is hip, she's right," he retorts, "I'm just not so sure that if something is hip it necessarily has to be for kids. Many of us would like to remain hip well into our drinking age."

In fact Stevenson sees the flavored malt beverages as being marketed more towards older drinkers. Most top level Mixologists agree, based on their intensive studies, that as one gets older and starts drinking more heavily in order to counteract the body's natural resistance to repeated substance exposure you're going to want to mix it up a little. As Stevenson puts it, "Flavored malt beverages are geared more toward older drinkers tired of the same old Schlitz."

He goes on to give some examples of "blasting refreshment sure to light up your nights" as proof:

- Zima A L'Orange: classic Zima refreshment with a triple blast of orange, pear, and Panax Ginseng from China.

- Ice Berry Zima: tastes just like eating berries in the North Pole while snowboarding over a polar bear's grave!

- Zimamegranate - an anti-oxidant packed Zima with natural pomegranate flavor, enhanced with 2CCs of Tahitian Goji Berry extract.

Zimig - fig flavored Zima.

Pinkleberry Zima - actually tastes like the color pink!

Swamp Zima: Shrek's Special Brew - a green tinted, apple flavored Zima inspired by the film Shrek.

- and one more flavor.

Valencia Beverage Co. warehouse manager G. Roy Galenz knows that the added tax won't do anything to deter under-aged drinking stating, "Kids like booze. They can't help it. It's kids. Look, this is just terrible. It's exactly like what the Nazis did except instead of people, it's drinks."

CA Tax Board Spokeswoman Anitia Gore(probably related) started to drool out the corners of her mouth as she tallied up the "serious ca-ching"(money), estimating that the new tax could bring in an extra $30-$40 million dollars a year. Most of the money will go towards fixing California's Gray Davis-ruined economy and will also partially be used to fund Hillary's failed 2008 Presidential campaign.

G. Roy Galenz steams and holds back a multitude of punches saying through clinched teeth, "We'll stop them. Come on, you don't mess with the booze business. Seriously, it's DOA. Just cause you take a beer and put some f**kin' fruits in it, don't make it no crime."

Hopefully, the people of California will see the light and begin throwing boxes, bottles, and water towers full of fruit flavored malt beverages into San Francisco bay and other local bodies of ocean water.

"Imagine if people saw the real danger," warns Stevenson, "This measure is only going to inspire more children to drink as many of these stimulating, effervescent alcoholic beverages as possible from now until July 2008, when you could very well expect a bloodbath."

It looks like the latest victims of liberal micro management are innocent, freedom loving, drinking age Californians. It leads many experts to ask, "Aside from Governor recalls, is there anything that state does RIGHT?"

PLN - AMERICAN BIN LADEN - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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American Bin Laden

Looks as though it's justice at last for Islamic extremist Jose Padilla, the man many are calling "The American Bin Laden", as he was found guilty on all charges of terrorism in a Florida court on August 16th. He will be sentenced on December 5th. Padilla and two of his Al Qaeda co-horts face lenient life sentences.
Padilla, an honorary US citizen, was held as an enemy combatant for conspiring to murder people, plant multiple radioactive dirty bombs in several US daycare centers, and fund several different Al Qaeda related groups in and around the Middle East.

Padilla was originally charged with conspiring to plant a radioactive dirty bomb, but the charge had to be dropped when prosecutors started to feel bad for Padilla in light of all the massive evidence against him that wouldn't quit piling up.

One overwhelmed member of the prosecutorial research staff, Carl S. West said during a rare break, "This man did so much terrorist activity that we can't keep track of it all. It's as if he did too much terror stuff for us to even prosecute him on it!"

Padilla's defense attorneys didn't even call any witnesses. PLN legal analyst Mike Reis points out, "The defense knew that if they called somebody to the stand and asked them if they saw any terrorists in the courtroom, it would look really bad when the witness points directly at their client."

Lawyers for the defendants made a string of bad pop-cultural references referring to Padilla's case as "a giant game if six degrees of separation based on nothing," and mocked the prosecutor's case as "snake oil". Everybody knows when defense attorneys start making references to 80's movie icons and using gutter slang like "snake oil" they're grasping for a far distant, half empty glass of lies.

Prosecutors put fourth truckloads of substantial evidence supporting the documented fact that Padilla and friends supported terrorist activities from 1993 to 2001, mostly under Clinton's watch. It took an administration so committed to protecting the people of America with an act called "The Patriot" to finally round up these sub-human threats to democracy, the flag, and a way of life that's better than any other on planet Earth.

Legal experts all across the board agree that just because Padilla never committed violent acts and wasn't involved in the terrorist attacks of September 11th doesn't mean he wasn't directly responsible for them.

Anyone who supports terrorists whether financially, politically, or metaphysically immediately falls under the same umbrella of Anti-American. Everyone agrees that if you're against America and the American way of life, you're just as bad as someone who flies an airplane into a building.

With pro-terror liberals accusing the Bush administration of "over reaching" in prosecuting obvious terrorists one fact remains clear, as illustrated by an unnamed defense department official, "In a tricky game like the War On Terror you're better off over reaching than not reaching at all."

After all, we still don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.

PLN - M.C. ROVE'S LAST JAM

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"Karl Rove is movin' on down the road," President Bush told reporters outside his Crawford, TX ranch. Rove then stepped forward to announce that he was stepping down as Bush's senior adviser and deputy chief of staff in order to spend more time with his family.

"I...uh...I been talkin(g) to Karl for a while about, uh...his desire to...spend more time with Darby and Andrew," President Bush explained to a stunned nation.

Presidential historians all agree that the average American people do not understand the pull of family until they're actually in a situation like Rove's. The natural human instinct to want to be with ones family, to spend more time with them as it were, has led to the ends of many bright political careers. Most point to Richard Nixon as the most prime example of a man torn between service to one's country and spending time with precious family.

Historical psychologist Dale Thompson explains, "Here was a man so conflicted, in such need of family togetherness, that he organizes a purposefully botched "break in" so that his family wouldn't be saddled with the guilt of knowing they were the true reasons Nixon abandoned the most important office in the known world simply in order to spend more time with them."

The left wing media and Congress pounced on Rove like a gang of backed up sailors, flinging false accusations in his face. Both the Senate and House judiciary committees have promised to continue investigating Rove, after he leaves office, like a crazy ex. They've even threatened Rove with contempt of Congress for refusing to comply with various irrelevant subpoenas to testify about his role in re-vamping our currently partisan judicial system by ridding it of activist judges like Carol Lam who based every decision she made on her passionate desire for an open border policy. Rove, of course, refused to testify based on executive privilege which covers every White House employee from the President to Harriet Meirs to the White House dogs.

Rove's resignation was disclosed during an interview with PLN's own Dale Facklery, late Sunday night. The interview was ultimately plagiarized by the Wall Street Journal on Monday morning. In the interview Rove discusses the number one issue effecting all Americans in every aspect of their lives: immigration, and Rove's confidence that his agenda will be carried through even after his departure.

What comes across in Facklery's interview is a clean cut, straight, average American with a deep love of freedom and the American political system. It's a love he's acted on ever since he opened a tiny non-profit charity organization, Karl Rove & Co., in order to assist grass roots movements in the Texas political arena.

Just as the weak must always attack the strong in order to justify their pathetic existence, the entire left has called Rove's resignation the death of his agenda. Even Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards gussied up enough brawn to say of Rove's exit, "Good bye and good riddance," a phrase popularized by bathhouse homosexuals in 1860's London.

What Rove illustrates most clearly in his conversation with PLN's Facklery is that the prospects for complete implementation of his agenda have never been sweeter. With social security inches away from total privatization, the tax cuts set in stone, and Iraqis being freer than ever the only thing to be determined is whether or not Rove's last minute wish of repealed term limits will be carried through.

Many have often faulted Rove for being too brilliant in his execution of political strategy often seeing his greatest victories as debilitating failures. The most astute of political analysts know that in order to secure the permanent Republican majority of his dreams, Karl's Republicans needed to concede a minuscule amount of power to the Democrats for a limited time of two years. Thompson reminds us that Rove, "orchestrated a Republican Congressional defeat in order to remind the American people how bad the democratic party is at governing."

In order to celebrate his newly announced departure Rove will attend an honorary banquet hosted by Ahmed Chalabi and Talon News reporter Jeff Gannon who Rove says he's, "very, very, very much looking forward to reuniting with."

During his announcement at the Western White House Rove told the American people, "I will join those whom you meet in your travels. The ordinary Americans who tell you they're praying for you." To which Bush responded by looking strongly into Rove's eyes and pronouncing, "I'll be on the road behind you."

Unless Congress decides to do something about those out-of-date term limits.

PLN - LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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The son of impeached former President Bill Clinton's movie star Vice President Al Gore has managed to use his father's status to take advantage of the court of law. In a move not unlike his father, who tried to steal the 2000 election by manipulating the justice system, Al Gore III managed to avoid the usually mandatory 20 years to life for Marijuana smuggling and possession of "illegal prescription drugs", which is is bribed-cop code for "meth". Instead Gore will spend 90 days in a drug rehabilitation retreat.

This complete slap to the sensitives of Lady Justice stems from a July 4th arrest when Gore was nabbed driving a "Hybrid" Prius at speeds above 100mph. The sheriff's deputies initially became suspicious considering that Prius cars begin to come apart at speeds of at least 62mph.

While inspecting the possible fake hybrid car the officers smelled marijuana and discovered a large brick of pure organic Blueberry Hill strain indica bud with massive crystallization. Along with the chronic, the officers also discovered a litany of illegally obtained prescription drugs including Vicodin, Xanax, Adderall, Sominex, Tylenol PM+, and Valium all of which could have been brought across the Mexican border by migrants hoping to score some quick cash off of sympathetic, drug addicted liberals like Gore.

Allan Stokke, Gore's lawyer, said that Al and Tipper are still supportive of their criminal son leading many leading psychologists to ask, "What does this kid have to do to get his parents disapproval, decapitate a faithfully celibate nun?"

Political analysts are all ready agreeing 100 percent that Gore III now officially has no chance of following his father's footsteps into public life. Ted Grogan of the political watchdog group Citizens for a United America points out, "There go his Presidential hopes, if he had any. Everybody knows that if you want to be a legitimate President you can't have any flagrant drug use of any kind in your known past. I think this kid might have inhaled."

The good news to come out of this is that if Gore fails to complete the state authorized treatment program, or if he's inevitably caught using drugs, he can be sent to prison. Many speculate that it's only a matter of time before Jr. gets caught making a bong out of his father's biodegradable "Inconvenient Truth" DVD boxes and ends up with the much deserved 20 years to life prison sentence.

Only then will justice have been served and we can start covering the stories that really matter like: How much money is Al Gore making off his Global Warming fantasy, really? And, how much weed can you buy with that?

PLN - CRAZY SHEEHAN-IGANS! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Crazy Sheehan-igans!

Former leader of the anti war movement, Cindy Sheehan, stated that she would challenge current Democratic speaker of the House, Nanci Pelosi, for her seat in Congress unless Pelosi does what Pelosi already said she wouldn't do: Impeach the President!?

Sheehan has given Pelsoi two weeks to bring the impeachment proceedings to the floor. "Perhaps to take unique advantage of Pelosi's menstrual cycle" observes Guy Bullock, co founder of the United Center for Indivisible Policy Studies. "Female political figures are very dangerous, but also very cleaver, due to the scientifically proven onslaught of life-long mood swings that plague all women."

Sheehan stated that she will run against Pelosi as an "Independent", which is basically code for "Ameri-communist". Bullock thinks her Independent status will only help Republicans in the long run. If Sheehan knocks Pelosi off, then it would surely tip the House in favor of the GOP which only needs to pick up two or three seats to retain their permanent majority.

A terrified Pelosi spokesperson almost needed a change of pants after hastily explaining, "July will be a month of action in Congress to end the war."

Sheehan, tired of mostly left wing smear tactics, abandoned her job as leader of the anti-war movement in order to make some congressional cash with her new-found fame. She even went so far as to say that her anti-war efforts had been "in vain" probably because she realized that no matter what she did, she couldn't weaken the morale of our soldiers in harm's way.

Most analysts concurrently agree that Sheehan, who has no experience in politics, would be great fodder for a situation comedy, but isn't likely to do America any good. When asked why she wanted to impeach President Bush she railed off the same tired left wing talking points we've heard for the past six-odd years, even dusting off the ol' "domestic spying" and "Hurricane Katrina" woes. All the while New Orleans has been re-built and Clinton did plenty of domestic spying when he wasn't cheating on his wife.

Sheehan said publically that she hopes Pelosi would file the articles of impeachment so that Sheehan can move onto other projects including a possible cookbook. Pelosi, however, has already made the solemn promise: "Impeachment is off the table." This kind of promise, which she reportedly made under oath, in the presence of the President is not something anyone can go back on without facing serious legal, political, and personal consequences.

Many astute political observers say that for Pelosi to attempt to impeach the President would be both political and literal suicide. As Bullock points out, "It can't be done. It won't be done. She promised."

While a debate between Sheehan and Pelosi would entertainingly de-evolve into a bra burning contest in which the only issue debated is who hates the troops more, one serious fact remains the same: They both believe the world would be better off with Saddam still in power.

With logic like that on their sides, it looks to be Pelosi vs. Sheehan in a hair flinging battle to see who steals more votes from the other, leading to an all out San Francisco-style Republican victory.

PLN - LIBBY FOUND INNOCENT! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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LIBBY FOUND INNOCENT!

Just in time for the Fourth of July, former chief of staff for the vice-president of the United States I. Lewis Scooter Libby has been exonerated by a jury. A jury of the only peer that really matters: The President of the United States. President Bush gave a fully commuted pardon to Libby who was sentenced to 2 and 1/2 years to life for his role in exposing the lies of former counter-US intelligence agent Joe Wilson and his scheming wife Valerie Plame. Like Boris and Natasha with so many of their cartoon bombs, the dastardly pair attempted to destroy the entire US Intelligence community from within by defending the brutal actions of Saddam Hussein and his 9-11 cohort Osama Bin Laden in the run up to Operation Iraqi Freedom.

The Liberal vultures who run the mainstream media have overreacted to the point of torch-mobbery in their response to an innocent patriot walking free. In a pile-on of overwhelming mendacity, the press has called for every measure of punishment not for Libby, but the President, ranging from impeachment to full-blown assassination. However, legal experts point out that the only crime they can accuse the President of committing is of knowing an innocent member of his own administration when he sees one.

On the other side of the morality spectrum, Libby's supporters celebrated justice well done in a case in which the highest ranking White House official was ordered to jail since the Iran-Contra affair when Oliver North was imprisoned for secretly making charitable military donations to under privileged countries in need.

The Democrats in "Congress" reacted as though Libby had been pardoned for killing his pregnant wife. In reality, Libby still has to face extremely harsh penalties including two years to life of probation, an unholy fine of $250,000 dollars, and the shame of being labeled a guilty man for the rest of his life. As President Bush compassionately said, "The consequences of his felony conviction on his formal life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long lasting."

PLN legal expert Mike Reis offers a more candid assessment of Libby's future prospects stating, "This is a broken man. Probation is like a death camp, the $250,000 fine is something a humble public servant will never bounce back from, not to mention the fact that he will never find work again in any field, ever."

To add insult to life crippling injury, top legal experts accross the country have come to the conclusion that THERE WAS NO CRIME. Since there was no crime many are saying that any sentence imposed would be, as President Bush called it, "excessive". End of story.

Now with all this Scooter Libby business out of the way we at can all start asking some real questions like:

What was Joe Wilson doing in Niger, really???

PLN - WHO HASN'T? - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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WHO HASN'T?

The "People" for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and a handful of fringe extremists have gone and shown their true human hating form by launching a harassment campaign against legitimate Republican Presidential front runner Mitt Romney. Like dwarfs to Gulliver, these flat earth thinkers have waged a war against Romney by attacking him for doing something that any American who's ever driven a long distance with a family pet has done. During an interview in which Romney was to give an example of emotion free crisis management, he told the Norman Rockwellian tale about traveling from Boston to Ontario, Canada with his family, but there was a silly problem. Having over-packed(probably due to a lack of proper planning by Romney's wife), the Romney's had no room in the car for the family dog. According to the Boston Globe Romney, always quick on his feet, had a solution.

"Before beginning the drive, Mitt Romney put Seamus, the family's hulking Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon's roof rack. He'd built a windshield for the carrier, to make the ride more comfortable for the dog."

Gary Bryne Thompson of the Animal Self Sufficiency Foundation believes that the far left groups, seeing Romney as the number one cash raiser in the Republican Presidential race, have picked this example of compassion and ingenuity as a NEGATIVE saying, "Since they can't find anything wrong with Romney as a candidate, the left needs to make an issue out of something as frivolous as imaginary animal cruelty."

Thompson goes on to point out that Seamus might have actually ENJOYED being on the roof of the car. "Dogs love sticking their heads out of car windows. You see it all the time. Why wouldn't a dog love riding on the outside of a car even more?"

As for the feces leaking down the windows, many animal psychologists believe that Romney actually did the dog a favor. Instead of being on the inside of the car, having to hold it in, the dog could relieve itself whenever it wants. Even if securely strapping a dog to the top of a car for less than half a day's drive is cruel, the same animal psychologists say that cruelty to animals is a normal, natural part of the human experience.

Also, unreported in the main stream media is the fact that traveling with an animal on the roof of your vehicle is a time honored American tradition. During the great western migration in the late 1700's and 1800's, in order to make more room for the pots and pans, brave Americans would strap their dogs to the tops of their covered wagons and use them as a primitive horn in times of distress.

The final hole in the Romney Family Vacation Dog Conspiracy is the fact that the Romney's were on a LONG twelve hour trip which is better than a short trip since it gave the dog more time to actually get comfortable on the roof of a fast moving car. This dog clearly had more than enough time to find it's bearing, enjoy the scenery, and finally become comfortable enough to defecate.

Perhaps the ones who really need to be strapped to a roof are the mainstream media, PETA, and anyone who funds these anti-human, anti-American organizations. Only then will they realize that we should be focusing on things that really matter, the stories that people really care about.

PLN - SPREAD THE WORD!!

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Many upon many Americans who are concerned about the prevailing media bias toward the far left wing of the "American" Democratic party have contacted us via e-mail, telephone, and rotoscope begging to have PLN broadcast in their area.

Our standard response is:

CONTACT YOUR LOCAL CABLE PROVIDERS!!!

We at Prime Legitimate News have little to no power over the hundreds of activist cable providers who refuse to give their hard working subscribers access to even and honest news coverage 24 hours a day.

On a medical level it makes us sick to our cores to see such disregard for objective reporting. This is why we are asking you our viewers to contact your local cable providers, congress personel, and city council members DEMANDING that they make room for the most even and honest news channel ever to hit the airwaves.

Think about being able to tune in and get the unvarnished truth any time, all the time. All the time!

Offer them a sample of our fantastic programming like the segment from our top rated debate show "Facklery & Dean" available on Myspace or at:

http://www.youtube.com/PrimeLegitNews
"F & D" airs every weeknight at 8pm only on PLN!

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PLN - PLN CONGRATULATES AMERICA AND THE BALD EAGLE - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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PLN Congratulates America And The Bald Eagle

It's morning in America all over again for the triumphant American Bald Eagle. The bird we all know and love as a Christian symbol of freedom and democracy is being removed from the endangered species list by the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. Virtually all bird scientists agree that this is the conclusive evidence they need to finally link up the most popular theory regarding Bald Eagle population patterns.

Based on their exclusive data, the National Center for Eagle Conservationism has come to some startling conclusions. "If you look at the numbers and how they correspond with recorded events in history it becomes very clear that you have more Bald Eagles when America is at it's most patriotic and quite the reverse when it is not," says NCEC's Rey Del Fazio "It's almost like...like...the Eagles can FEEL it."

Not everyone agrees, and since this is America, that's OK. Still, many Soros funded Scientologists say the Eagle populations dwindled because they were exposed to the widely used pesticide known as DDT which supposedly rendered the Eagles incapable of creating their patriotic offspring. "Nothing could have more distance between the truth and it. DDT is an old wives tale invented by Al Gore's grandfather and a couple of lesbians. Look at the numbers."

- During World War 2 the Eagle numbers were at an all time high. You could almost hear the mighty battle cry of a grown male Eagle echo through the frosty Wyoming air as Hitler off'd himself in that bunker.

- However, by 1963 the Eagle numbers took a sharp dive when America suddenly became overly saddened by President Kennedy's death. At that time the Eagles hit an all time low of 417 breeding pairs

- Things got so bad for the down and out Eagles throughout our increasing involvement in the messy Vietnam war that they had to be put on federal protection(the bird version of welfare) in 1967.

- The Bald Eagle's luck quickened when Nixon got a foothold of power in 1972.

- With Carter's election the species was practically wiped off the map.

- Eagle numbers rose steadily throughout the Regan revolution, suddenly tapering off a little bit when George HW Bush refused to finish off Saddam.

- The election of William "Jefferson" Clinton seemed likely to be the final nail in the coffin for these majestic birds of prey.

"The Eagles were so turned off by what they could feel was our collective disgust at a President gone wild," observes Del Fazio. Studies show, after the Lewinsky scandal, Eagles refused to engage in any mating activity for the remainder of Clinton's presidency.

Then a miracle happened. An ace President took us into a global war against the forces of evil. "After that, well...look at the numbers! More than 9,700 breeding pairs!" Del Fazio knows that Eagle population has nothing to do with human encroachment at all. "These birds have loved us ever since George Washington refused to chop down their cherry trees."

True story.

PLN - AND SO IT BEGINS... - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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And So It Begins...

BREAKING NEWS! Shifty lawyer Howard K Stern has just filed Anna Nicole Smith's death-will in a California court. PLN's own Helga Von Streusel will break this story with muscle truck force tonight on a two and a half hour episode of "Off The Wire" (8pm Eastern).

She'll take us through the DNA drama wherein triumphant Aryan hero Lawrence Birkhead proved through seminal donation that he is IN FACT the father of wilted American legend Anna Nicole Smith's most valuable baby. Helga will spoon feed us the rest of this story as if to so many custard filled babies.

Now begins the gladiatory court battle-thon over who will finally fill their pockets with the contested money of Anna Nicole's also dead husband J. Howard Marshall(no relation to Howard K Stern).

If Anna Nicole's ghost ends up winning the money from the late Oil Tycoon in court then it will either go to:

A) Howard K Stern, who today filed Anna's will naming himself the executor of her estate.

B) Larry Birkhead, who has full ownership of the baby.

or

C) Prince Friedrich Von Anhult of Germany, who still claims to perhaps being the father of Anna Nicole's baby saying, "Look, I gave my DNA to lots of people. Wether or not they decided to test it...I just don't know."

PLN's own financial analyst and host of "Market Minute" Bernard "Bernie" Hernandez puts it on the table, "Who ever wins this court battle is sure to rake in some serious CA-CHIIIIING!! The catch is that this lady swallowed her money 16 times daily, as needed. The only cash Anna Nicole really has is the money she actually doesn't have. In order to get that massive Ca-Ching they need to tap the geezer geyser!"

PLN - DEMOCRATS FIND TRUTH OFFENSIVE - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Democrats Find Truth Offensive


Nowadays everybody's getting into trouble for saying something or other that offends a far left fringe-tank, smear group, or college basketball team. Add legitimate Presidential candidate John McCain to the list of celebrities who have been dunk-tanked by the liberal media for letting the straight talk express do the bull-horning. McCain came under fire for putting his foreign policy into song with his solid rendition of "Bomb Iran" which he sang to the tune of perennial Beach Boys classic "Barbara Ann" at a pep rally. Some who share the enemy's viewpoint claim the song was "offensive" and/or "distasteful."

Funny they should think so now when you consider that singing foreign policy based classics has been McCain's thing for months. Many recall his other hits: "Let's Destroy Venezuela" a classy spin on "La Bamba", McCain's smooth Elvis-inspired "Heartbreak Habib" about the necessity of Gitmo, and his rare version of the Beatles "Shake It Up, Baby" wherein he calls for the "flattening of East Timor".

Political analysts agree that these songs show evidence of a prime sense of humor and that such silly banter is par for the course. McCain rightfully told anyone questioning his style to "Lighten up,"and "get a life."

All campaign experts understand that the bottom line is this: "What happens on the campaign trail stays on the campaign trial." That holds true wether it's a joke, insult, promise, or otherwise. As spokesperson for the Giuliani campaign J. Carchio puts it, "All that stuff is just stuff politicians say to get elected. That's it. It's all just stuff. It don't mean nothin'. I mean, come on, right?"

He should know. McCain isn't the only one taking it on the chin for expressing free speech in a time of war. Presidential hopeful Rudolph "Rudy" Giuliani was the recipient of a full frontal media bukkake for his even and honest assessment of the catastrophic chain of events sure to unravel if the Democrats maintain their stranglehold on American power when he observed, "America will be safer with a Republican President."

All Giuliani seems to be saying is that if the American people vote into power the party with a vaginal foreign policy then there are bound to be massive terrorist reprisals leaving millions dead. Mothers, children, puppies, and even a few endangered species will be off'd in a hurry however that's still not enough to spur the liberals into action.

See the pattern? The Republicans prop up a candidate who is 100% certain to win the Presidency in 08, and the media takes their orders and destroys said candidate. It's all part of the smear campaign set fourth by the Soros funded leftist junta to ruin the credibility of the mayor who was single handedly there on 9-11. Carchio thinks the most recent character assassinations are, "All about the democrats being jealous because they can't fight terror, or even find a decent human being to run for President."

"To fight an effective war on terror you need to remind the American people how much danger they're constantly in," says electoral guru Dick Morris. "The American people are in terrific danger even with Republicans in office. Think of the metal-storm that will reign down if the Democrats, who can't stop running away from the enemy, win in '08. Everyday would be 9-11."

Que America's mayor...or should we say President*.

* Unless McCain wins.

PLN - ENOUGH ALREADY! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Enough Already!

Scandal. The mainstream media can't seem to get enough. Why not? Scandal makes ratings, sells copy, and rakes in mazoolah. Many say the media's grub-like tendency to wallow in dirt leads them to add the word "gate" to whatever the Bush administration does, says, or gestures. Attorney General Gonzales scandal? Gonzales-gate. Male prostitute in White House Pres Corps? Gannon-gate. E-mail-gate, Plame-gate, Cheneyshotaguy-gate, Katrina-gate, MCRove-Gate. Gate gate gate gate-gate...GATE!

The court jesters in the media don't have Nixon to kick around anymore, but they can't help but use Bush Jr in order to burn tricky Dick in effigy.

"Here's what this whole scandal-mania is all about, really." observes political strategist Dick Morris. "The left couldn't go after Reagan because of his flawless Presidency, Clinton was one of their own, so along comes W, Rove, and Cheney. The liberal sect of the media must have seen this as an unleashed Nixonian Cerberus prime to be spade, de-spirited, and made to wear a tiny knit puppy-sweater. It's a classic Pavlovian relationship. The media tells the people that President Bush is the reason for all their problems, the dogs believe it, and start salivating. Just like Pavlov salivated when his dog rang that bell."

Analysts point to how the media jumped all over Karl Rove for deleting a couple of spam e-mails from private White House accounts. "The media treated it as if Karl Rove has shredded Monica's "splorched" blue dress, after having licked off the stains," states media analyst Greg Baxter of the United Media Front. Senate Democrats have compared the missing White House e-mails to the famous Nixon White House Tapes. However, most are saying that the missing e-mails are more along the lines of Regan's jellybeans than Nixon's tapes in actual pound for pound scandal value.

With Nixon you have tapes, break-ins, and obvious criminal activity. It was all out in the open and all cleverly orchestrated by Democratic operative John Dean. The main difference between now and then is that the media now really needs to go searching through the White House trash in order to find even a single shred of a scandal. They then take that tiny piece of out of context misinformation, and fill in the blanks with their biased imaginations. It's how 95% of the news is made, today.

The flaming left will even go so far as to trample the Bush Administration's civil liberties in order to drum up their looney case for impeachment. They've gone after Karl Rove's former associate, prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, as if like some sick ex-girlfriend Fitzgerald kept all of Karl Rove's e-mails from a previous slander operation/investigation. Fitzgerald wisely refused to comment on the Democrats nosing about his personal e-mails. Hopefully, he's deleted them as any good friend would do.

What's amazing to most analysts that the same political party that is wrist deep inside the American Civil Liberties Union would so savagely throw their Russian-style values out the window when given the opportunity to take down a prime, legitimate Presidential administration.

Many believe the real trick the Democrats have pulled off is the fact that they've made it so the Bush Administration can't be open with the public about anything. When you consider that the Administration CANNOT COMMENT ON ON-GOING INVESTIGATIONS you'll understand what happens when the Democrats investigate everything the Republicans do. White House spokesperson Dana Perino points it out perfectly, "I'd love to be able to lay everything out on the table, but as you know we can't comment on on-going investigations."

All I asked her was where the bathroom is.

PLN - STONED POLICY - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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A freelance U.S. delegation, lead by radical Chavez-like New Mexican Governor Bill Richardson, has attempted to bribe North Korea in order to allow "United Nations" nuclear weapons inspectors into their wing-bat country. Richardson wants to give brainwashed North Koreans $25 Million Dollars in disputed funds, mixed in with a few dollars of American taxpayer's money, in order to allow in the same weapons inspector that FAILED to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. No telling how much of that cash Richardson will pocket for himself.


A high-level pentagon official has a different plan, "How about we keep the $25 Million, and give the North Koreans a taste of OUR nuclear capability. It's hard to tell which country Bill Richardson is running for President of."


These bizarre displays of freak-diplomacy have many asking "Who would vote for this man?", and answering, "Him, his wife, and possibly the local drunk he bribed with a peyote bundle."


Meanwhile on the home front Richardson has seen to it to seriously cut away at the very fabric of American society. The state over which he rules, New Mexico, has recently become front line 1 in the noble War on Drugs. In a politically suicidal move Richardson signed a "bill" legalizing marijuana for "sick" people. Richardson says, "It's the right thing to do." Former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton says, "Thank God we have Federal laws against this swarming plague of medical marijuana use. We need to reign in these rouge states turned cartels, and do away with all the Richardsons out there."


Bolton is referring to the unquestionably legitimate 1970 Federal Controlled Substances Act which forbids the use of "devil weed." Last month, in a stunning and outright victory for the Bush Administration, the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that a woman with an inoperable brain tumor may not smoke dangerous marijuana to ease her pain.


The ruling hasn't stopped states like California where anyone with a "mild cough" to a "rough morning" is allowed to have access to top quality mari-buds under state law. Carlo J. Himenez runs one of many Guerilla Keef-houses about to take New Mexico by storm. Regarding his legalized, illegal operation, "Yeah man, what? Look, it's fully legit. We just got fresh legal shipments of Afgooey, Grandfather Kush, and ***** Urkle*."


No plans have been laid out yet for what Richardson will decide to do with all the extra cash he'll make from slingin' dope. Many think he'll probably just end up giving it to North Korea.


* Due to recent racial fallout from the Don Imus story we cannot publish the full name of this particular marijuana strain.

PLN - BUSH UNITES IRAQIS! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Bush Unites Iraqis!
600,000 peaceful, flag waving, free Iraqi people marched three miles through some of their holiest cities in order to celebrate Iraq's 4th year of freedom and democracy. The breezy streets of Baghdad fell silent under a 24 hour driving ban during the festivities. "It's a real street fair atmosphere," commented an observer. Several Iraqis even began impromptu bonfires using anything from sticks to large stuffed figures and pieces of flag material.

Things have gotten so good in Iraq that the pro-democracy demonstration was organized by none other than Shiite Priest Muqtada Al-Sadr. Many believe that through this act Al-Sadr, who has had some slight disagreements with the U.S. in the past, has become a real "stand up guy."
Along with the upswing of positive vibes, reports of sectarian violence were close to slightly above zero, and only 25 people were killed or found dead in the country.

"These are Los Angeles numbers. It's truly encouraging. I hope it's a sign of great things to come," said Defense Department spokesperson Gordon Jondroe.

"Iraq is now a place where people can freely gather and express their opinions," said U.S. military spokesman Col. Steven Boylan who praised the parade stating that the Iraqi people, "could not have done this four years ago. If Saddam were alive to see this he would hang himself."

Despite unanimous optimism there is still much work to be done as Jondroe points out, "We have much more progress ahead of us." Military experts like Jondroe agree that the future of Iraq's security lies in the so-far thoroughly "Keystone" Iraqi Army. "The United States, the coalition, and the Iraqis have much more to do. But, for now...let's party."

PLN - DOLPHIN SAFE NUKES - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Looks as though the far left wing of the Democratic party can't seem to find a way to support our troops no matter what species they are. A gaggle of way-out animal rights activists have brainwashed a handful of "concerned" citizens to carry out their anti-security, anti-war, anti-life agenda against homeland security in any of its forms. Critics of the US Navy's plan to use dolphins and sea lions to guard waters off the coast of a huge nuclear weapons base say the water will be too "cold" for the dolphins to survive in.

Dolphin boot-camp Sargent Doug King Vann leaps all over this liberal troop-smear saying, "Too cold? You think these dolphins can't take it? Ha. These animals are cross bred, well-trained killing machines. These animals can take on any intruder in any kind of water. Some of these animals have been genetically altered so as to allow them to hunt and kill out of water for a limited amount of time." (6 months)
Many local residents worry about the safety of such a program. Vann shrugs off their concerns, "Let me tell you something. These dolphins know who the bad guys are. It's a clear, detailed process:

A) The dolphin identifies a threat, notifies personnel.

B) The dolphin then interacts with the intruder.

C) Personnel comes by in order to clean up the mess."

Activist Leigh Calvez plans to dispute the proposal semi-asking, "We don't have anything as good as dolphins to protect us? That's hard to believe."

Always like the liberals to slam the troops first. A top secret Navy defense analyst says, "We as Americans should be proud to have these patriotic dolphins on our side, guarding our nuclear weapons. Hopefully, if this program is successful, the next nuclear bomb will be dropped not by a human being, but by a lovable dolphin."