PLN - CARTER STOKES MIDDLE EAST RAGE - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Former insurgent U.S. President Jimmy Carter may have brokered the first Israeli-Arab peace deal, but since there have been more Israeli-Arab peace deals than Friday the 13th movies, Carter may not be helping the volatile Middle East situation with his continued occupation of their countries.

During his mid-East tour Carter met with Hamas leader Kaled Mashaal prompting several top Israeli officials to snub Carter during his most recent visit. Not only are the Israeli leaders snubbing Carter, but they are instead deciding to hold a light-summit with the cast of "Saved By The Bell: Israel" in lieu of meeting the globetrotting ex-President.

The only high-level Israeli official to meet with Carter was Israel's ceremonial head of state Shimon Perez, who claims he only meet with Carter because, "I must have been given the wrong address. Someone is, for certain, is playing a joke on me."

While in Israel, Carter will visit Sderot the town most frequently hit by Gaza rocket attacks in order to assess the damage and report back to Hamas on the progress.

Checking the goods.

In his own defense Carter said, "I think it's important that at least someone meet with the Hamas leaders...If Israel is ever going to find peace...Hamas will have to be involved in the process."

With friends.

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - VIDEO - IMMIGRATION

PLN - SANDWICH GETS YEAST INFECTION! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

PLN - ROBERT BLAKE TO PLAY POPE BENEDICT XVI - PRIME TOP STORY!!

In an announcement that has sent shock waves through both the entertainment and religious industries, actor Robert Blake has told reporters that he will make his comeback playing Pope Benedict XVI in the up coming bio-pic about the life of the top-level Catholic icon.

"I figure, the Pope's here. People are saying 'hey you kind of look like the pope, so..." says Blake when asked why he chose this particular role.

The movie is set to be released the next time the Pope visits America. There is all ready talk of Blake possibly earning an Academy Award, Emmy, or Association of Video Retailers Award for the role depending on whether the movie is released in theaters, on TV, or straight to video.

Blake doing some homemade make-up tests for the up-coming "Benedict: A Pope For All Ages"

"I'm the Pope."

PLN - THE OTHER KIND OF RADICAL - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Whether the Iraqi government likes it or not, America is ready to give Muqtada al-Sadr his close up. Defense Secretary Robert Gates gave al-Sadr his full endorsement calling him a," significant political figure." Even General David Petraeus, who knows more about how well things are going in Iraq then anyone else, says the al-Sadr should be, "to varying degrees, accommodated." Senator Joe Lieberman praised al-Sadr calling him, "A stand-up guy. I like him, personally. I am a Democrat, though."

The Iraqi government has been less wiling to let al-Sadr play a part in their fresh Democracy since fighting broke out between Iraqi forces and al-Sadr's Mahdi Army militia in Basra and the Madhi Army stronghold of Sadr City. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki is asking Parliament to bar any party from participating in Iraqi elections if that party maintains a militia.

What al-Maliki fails to appreciate is the fact that everyone in Iraq has a militia. "You can't go grocery shopping, take a bus, or even swim in the ocean safely without at least one small militia," notes P. Thomas Barnes of the Democratic Foundation for a Free and Democratic Iraq, "Maliki knows what he's doing. Since virtually everyone in Iraq has a militia, no one else can run for President."

America has made it double-clear that if Muqtada al-Sadr wants to participate in the legitimate political process he must give up a few of his hobbies, namely violence. Even though al-Sadr has launched countless strikes against U.S. and Iraqi forces, the U.S. Defense Department is willing to give a muted "thumbs up" to their former unofficial arch enemy.

"Iraq is a tough place," says Gates, "It needs a tough leader. Someone like...a very tough leader."

Al Sadr using American hand gestures to prove that everything is indeed "OK".

PLN - IRAQ TO REBUILD IRAQ! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Finally! After five long years of a complete free ride, Congress is taking action to put the responsibility for Iraq's future in the cash-lined hands of gratefully liberated Iraqis.

"We're not saying that they should rebuild EVERYTHING without our financial and material help," says U.S. State Department Representative Dale Burnham. "We'll let them rebuild the hospitals, roads, power lines, neighborhoods, schools, and infrastructure. We'll take care of the rest."

Using Iraq's surging oil income as proof Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska said of the American people, "they are looking at why Baghdad can't pay more of these costs. The answer is they can."

Their tax dollars at work.

In a compassionate act of bipartisanship Republican and Democratic senators have banded together to draft bills that will restrict all future reconstruction grants to loans instead of welfare-like giveaways.

The bills will include legislation that will force Baghdad to:

- Pay for the fuel used by U.S. Troops.

- Cover the cost of training friendly Sunni Militias.

- Spend more of it's surplus oil revenue to rebuild before tapping into precious U.S. cash resources.

- Buy back looted museum artifacts with surplus oil revenue.

- Pay a percentage of their income based on the amount of Iraq liberated.

Representative Lindsey Gramm of Michigan kept the ball rolling with a suggestion that any anticipated Iraqi budget surplus could be used to help Afghanistan, while Joe Lieberman slam dunked the issue hard by demanding that Iraq start paying some U.S. combat costs.

The Bush administration actually agreed with Congress stating that, "We expect Iraq to shoulder the full burden of these costs."

Luckily the U.S. can supervise all the reconstruction efforts from it's new $736 million dollar fortified embassy in Baghdad.

With Iraq taking on it's own burdens the question remains, "How much more accomplished is this mission going to get?"

That's more like it!

PLN - MUGABE TRIES TO RESTORE HAITIAN ORDER - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Haiti's embattled President Robert Mugabe has deployed troops ahead of a strike over the contested election results and rampant food shortages which have sent his African country of Zimbabwe into chaos. Mugabe sent security forces across his country as well as in the Haitian portions of Zimbabwe.

Mugabe putting Haiti in it's place.

The opposition party led by Rene Preval urged a general strike while rebels in the streets chanted, "Aristide or death!" a call for the reinstatement of former President Jean Bertrand Aristede. Aristide is currently exiled in neighboring Central Africa.

Should Aristide return to Zimbabwe?

The mounting unrest includes political killings, voter fraud allegations, and starving people eating dirt-pies in anger and desperation as the rising cost of food has ignited nation wide protests.

Can Mugabe restore order to his tiny African country without the aid of former dictator Aristide?

Only time and Prime Legitimate News will tell.

PLN - NORIEGA, THE WB, AND A BOTTLE ROCKET - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Amateur film-maker Al Gore has embarked on a costly advertising campaign that will compare the popular myth of Global Warming to the dastardly regime of Adolph Hitler, the civil rights movement, and man landing on the moon. The Wall Street Journal(a subsidiary of PLN) reported that the multi-million dollar campaign is part of Gore's L. Ron Hubbard like quest to raise a "Green-Army" of at least ten million people world-wide. The marketing blitz will cost upwards of $300 Million dollars(most of which will be printed on paper, which used to be trees) and will include a multi-media onslaught of anti-human commercials set to scare the world's population into believing in a secular, non-biblical Armageddon.

The theme of the "We Didn't Wait" ad explores America's resolve to tackle the tough issues of Nazism, race relations, and space travel while prompting Gore's minions to "act" in order to stop what he calls "Man Made Global Warming." Gore has a virtual clown-car of left-wing scientists ready to back him up on his claims, however, we at PLN prefer to have an even and honest debate about the issues.

OUR scientists liken the myth of man-made Global Warming more to Manuel Noriega then to Adolph Hitler. Manuel Noriega the former military strongman dictator of Panama, like global warming, was an easily manageable while marginally threatening, temporary nuisance with direct ties to drug related criminals*. Noriega is more like a benign environmental trend such as El Nino, the occasional drought, or hurricane Katrina which come and go with no meaningful or lasting repercussions. Most experts agree that if you were to compare Hitler to a natural calamity it would most likely be massive asteroid impact and the total destruction of all life on Earth, leaving a slight possibility for regeneration.

Our team of scientifically based research associates, in their study published on various popular science websites and in publications on print as well as the internet and online have concluded that the jury is not only still out on weather global warming is man made, but they've basically been bribed and/or brainwashed by Al Gore and his Greenworld henchlings. The scientists who would return OUR calls compared Global Warming less to the civil rights act and moon landing, more to the creation of the WB and the first guy who did bottle rockets.

In other words: THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM! The United States government has a plan to solve all of the worlds energy, sweetener, and movie snack problems with precious corn-based everything, end of story.

Instead of "An Inconvenient Truth" the American people should perhaps be tuned into a different movie. One about an environmentally-crazed cult leader hell bent on raising an army of zombie-environmentalists. It's called Trancers 2. Like most films which which are leaps ahead of their time in exposing the corrupt underbelly of the environmentalist-left, Trancers 2 was swept under the rug. Perhaps with new light being shown on the true nature of Al Gore's master plan, Trancers 2 will at last get the theatrical release it so clearly deserves and needs.

* Al Gore's son was arrested for driving with illegal drugs, and his father has admited to sampling a variety of Schedule I substances.

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - PROMO VIDEO!

PLN - THOU SHALT NOT WHAT?! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

The foremost indisputable overseers of morality and human conduct, the Catholic Church, have extended their list of mortal sins in order to add SEVEN more! The Catholic home office in Italy faxed PLN the seven new sins. They are...

Environmental Pollution

Littering is no longer a petty offense, it's a one way ticket to hell!

Genetic Manipulation

What isn't evil about playing God? Look what happened to Frankenstein, Jack Kervorkian, and Uri Geller.

*A specific amendment was added to this sin at the last minute: If you eat genetically altered food, you go to purgatory for 8 years minimum.

Accumulating Excessive Wealth

In order to set a good example the Catholic Church will discontinue the acceptance of all cash donations.

Inflicting Poverty

Not that we don't love the impoverished. In order to take a stand against poverty the Catholic Church will staunchly continue it's fight against contraception and birth control because studies show the more people there are per household, the more incomes a family is likely to accrue.

Drug Trafficking and Consumption

This includes driving a keg from one house to another and/or consuming it's contents. Hell.

Morally Debatable Experiments

Like voting for a female President.

Violation of Fundamental Rights of Human Nature

This one ranges from stealing ice cream & looking at someone funny all the way to murder & medical malpractice. It's a wide ranging new sin that makes sure all the bases are covered, and you have NO DOUBT that hell awaits unless you are forgiven.

The list of new sins was unveiled by Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti who believes that by expanding the ways which a man can be judged to spend eternity in hell, the church is breeding a whole new generation of more sin free Catholics. As the paramount authority on all things decent, ethical, and pure, righteous, saintly, virtuous, and true, the Catholic Church has proven once again that all those who wrongly accuse priests of sexual misconduct with young boys have that much farther to go in order to be true to God.

Tell me more...

PLN - WHY ARE LIBERALS AFRAID OF FIRE? - PRIME TOP STORY!!

The Olympic Torch Relay, which got it's start in 1936 during the Berlin Games somewhere in Europe, has come under a different kind of fire lately. The torch, a symbol of freedom and warmth, has become enemy #1 to liberals all across the globe who wish to impose their anti-establishment, anti-athletic, and pro-choice way of life on the rest of the world. Several of the most motivated fire-haters have made unsuccessful attempts to extinguish the triumphant flame of liberty and sports, simply to make a cheap political point.

A few prominent Democrats have even called on President Bush to consider boycotting the Olympics. The President countered by affirming that he will be attending the games as a "sports fan", not to make a political statement. In order to prove this Bush will take to sitting in the nosebleed seats, urinating with his fellow male sports-fans, and wearing an over-sized red white and blue foam glove suggesting that the American team is indeed number one.

Olympic historian Earl Henry tells us why this year's Olympic torch has been in more undisclosed locations than Dick Cheney, "It's because of these activists who claim to be protesting China's poor human rights record, including their Tibet policies."

Supporting the Tibetan cause has come a long way from being soley a sure fire method for musicians to get some in the mid-90's. China's recent crackdowns on rebellious monks has thrown international light on a dire situation begging the question, "Can China find a more secretive way to crackdown on monks?"

These Olympic Torch protesters showed up in full riot gear.

This question, along with many others, will be answered at the Beijing Olympics. Be sure to tune into PLN for a complete update on all of America's gold medal wins, and check out our in depth profiles on each and every U.S. athlete's most profoundly tragic obstacles.

PLN - TROOPS TO BE WITHDRAWN!* - PRIME TOP STORY!!

United States Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker and General David Petraeus testified brilliantly on capitol Hill this week laying out the case for withdrawal from Iraq suggesting that the U.S. military, "Make reductions when the conditions allow."

Misguided democrats are demanding an "orderly withdrawal" while they can't even have an orderly Presidential Primary. Their overuse of liberal buzzwords like "benchmarks" and "success" underscore desperate attempts to settle personal and political scores with fellow party members.

Vice Presidential front runner Joe Lieberman painted the most honest picture of the progress in Iraq saying, "I wish we could have an agreement on the facts!"

*Conditions Pending