Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
On Thursday, November 6th President-elect Barack Obama met privately with U.S. Intelligence officials at the FBI headquarters in Chicago. There Obama received his first Presidential Daily Brief written by the CIA, including critical overnight intelligence that President-elect Obama will use to build his defence strategy.
Also discussed at the meeting was the fact that any moment the President could be "dealt with" by representatives higher interests if he should deviate from the agendas of the CIA, FBI, NSA, FCC, and a host of other U.S. and non-U.S. governing bodies, some known, some unknown.
Obama was then given a slide show presentation of various foreign and domestic leaders who felt it their duty to serve public interest over the needs of the rapidly emerging "New World Order". Leaders like Jacobo Arbenz of Guatemala, Salvador Allende of Chile, and a handful of Kennedys.
Obama has been sworn to secrecy so as not to reveal the content of this private meeting, however PLN's exclusive source for this story noted that Obama seemed the most surprised when he learned that John Hinkley was a hand picked, brainwashed CIA/MK ULTRA assassin sent in to keep Ronald Regan "on message."
After the slide show Obama was dosed severely with Lysergic Acid Dyethylamide, placed into an isolation tank, and reprogrammed with an entirely new outlook on the origins of life and the directions in which it is headed.
A trembling spokesperson for the Obama transition team could only say, "It was a very...enlightening meeting."
Posted by Mathew Moore at 2:45 AM
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Seeing the immense popularity of RED socialist ideology in today's hip hop political culture California's Former Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided to give California the far left viking funeral it's always wanted. By raising Ca's sales tax a full one and one entire half a percent he's sure to finish off what Brian Davis Jones of the CA Institute for Neutral Policy Research Center thinks Grey Davis started, "plunging the state headlong into psychotic & fiscal failure & insolvency."
The crackdown on prosperity will pump up the sales tax on amusement park admission, sporting events, golf, furniture, vehicles, as well as certain forms of adult entertainment.
A spokes person for the Schwarzenegger administration compared the tax hike to, "injecting anabolic steroids directly into the economy's ass cheeks." The governor's office claims that the increase will only last for three years presumably for as long as Barack Obama's term is expected to last.
CA's 11.2 Billion dollar Grey Davis induced deficit has the governor asking "Who Can't We Tax"? B. Davis Jones thinks the governor should focus on massive spending cuts like:
- Doing away with public education
- Ending all unemployment benefits, creating more incentives to work
- No more drinking fountains
Not like the Governor is listening to good advice anymore(i.e.: End of Days), but if he doesn't want to go down like another Grey Davis then he'd better start.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 9:07 PM
Monday, November 10, 2008
Thousands upon thousands of gay homosexuals took to the streets in several violent protests against the final chapter in the saga of the legitimization of illegitimate marriages. On November 4th Values Voters in California, Arizona, and Florida all approved constitutional amendments in order to save the right of a man and a woman to marry. The amendments override activist State Supreme Court judges who literally bowed down to big gay interests.
The question as to weather or not there will be penalties for the all ready 18,000 or so same-sex marrieds since CA legalized gay marriage, and how severe those punishments should be, has yet to be asked.
West Hollywood, San Fransisco, and the Inland Empire aka "The 909" in California became ground zero as thousands blocked traffic and burned, among other things, candles at so called "vigils". Along with the protesters other flaming items included cars, trash cans, and American flags in effigy.
Some activists are taking a page out of the Al Gore book of political chicanery by filing challenges in court in order to subvert democracy and Christian/Mormon values. Many of the irrational homosexuals are attacking the Mormon Church, an institution dedicated to the protection of normal marriage, by suggesting that some of their members should or should not choose to vote for pro-marriage initiatives as well as funneling approx. 20 million dollars across state lines to suggest that others do the same.
"Whatever argument they got is false," argues Values Voter Ron C. Franks of California, "God made man with a man-thing and woman with another things to put it into, not the other way around...or in the butt is what I'm saying. Gay marriage is a sin."
No fatalities have been reported as of yet, but if there are any you can be sure the liberal media will do their best to cover them up. Stay tuned to Prime Legitimate News as the bodies hit the floor.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 8:24 PM
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
While the liberal media is busy covering so called important stories about fluff like a couple of harmless bank mergers and Iraq's youthful democratic growing pains, Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is dealing with the most important issue of our day(today): Immigration. With plans to build a 700 mile fence along the US Mexico border if he has to do it himself, Rorahbacher is doing more to protect our values and keep our country safe then anybody who doesn't want to build a 700 mile fence along the U.S.-Mexico border.
His long shot opponent, illegitimate small town Mayor Debbie Cook, opposes keeping illegal immigrants out of our nation and actually SUPPORTS giving them free health care, low cost housing, and great deals on cars. See her endorsement of HR 676 which is yet another far left tax-grab that would go toward the countries most lazy sick people.
A recent mailing from the Rorahbacher campaign asks the question, "Which side of the Border Fence debate are you on?" A more fitting question according to Dale Ern Smith of the Values Security Commission on Human Rights is, "What side of the Border Fence should YOU be on?"
Posted by Mathew Moore at 12:45 AM
Monday, July 21, 2008
Pope Benedict XVI demonstrates to clergy the proper way to touch a child. Watchful security steps in, stopping things before they go too far.
For more PLN Pope coverage see our expose of the Blockbuster film project "Benedict: A Pope For All Seasons".
Posted by Mathew Moore at 11:21 PM
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Realistic Presidential hopeful John McCain called for "action" as the terrorist nation of Iran launched several pre-nuclear missiles at various U.S. related targets.
All military experts agree, "It's time."
Posted by Mathew Moore at 9:52 PM
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Posted by Mathew Moore at 10:42 PM
Friday, July 4, 2008
- Prime Legitimate News
Posted by Mathew Moore at 3:31 PM
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
California's Supreme Court has quashed the Democrat's hopes of winning back the White House in 2008 by historically ruling to end the states' ban on gay marriage. Now that same-sex couples in America's most populous state are free to tie the knot, rational Americans will see the truest threat to democracy and a decent way of life.
Liberals everywhere are warning Christians of the possible nation-wide implications for this, the most important issue since flag-burning. In response, angry patriots at the ready to defend their country against subversionist threats to the freedom of a man and woman to marry will flock to the polls in droves.
The newest poll numbers show McCain winning with 80% of the vote over which ever democratic candidate ends up receiving the nomination. That's a 30% change from the dead heat tie in the race prior to the CA Supreme Court decision.
Many see this as California's last political stand. "The state of CA has now reached a level of sin which will surely wipe it from God's earth," says T. Ryan Danelaw of the Sensible Research Institute for Faith Driven Studies in Science. "How long have we been talking about 'The Big One'? I'd be surprised if California is even around to have a say in the 2008 Presidential election."
If John McCain has anything to say about it, they won't.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 10:46 PM
Friday, May 16, 2008
The US government Wednesday listed polar bears as an endangered species, warning that melting of Arctic sea ice was threatening their habit putting an end to the polar bear's centuries-old, fearful reign of terror in ice covered lands.
Signs such as the one above have been placed around the few remaining polar bear strongholds, warning people to stay away from the dangerous man eaters until they have died off completely. Experts expect the polar bear threat to be completely wiped off the planet within the next 45 years.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 10:52 PM
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Former insurgent U.S. President Jimmy Carter may have brokered the first Israeli-Arab peace deal, but since there have been more Israeli-Arab peace deals than Friday the 13th movies, Carter may not be helping the volatile Middle East situation with his continued occupation of their countries.
During his mid-East tour Carter met with Hamas leader Kaled Mashaal prompting several top Israeli officials to snub Carter during his most recent visit. Not only are the Israeli leaders snubbing Carter, but they are instead deciding to hold a light-summit with the cast of "Saved By The Bell: Israel" in lieu of meeting the globetrotting ex-President.
The only high-level Israeli official to meet with Carter was Israel's ceremonial head of state Shimon Perez, who claims he only meet with Carter because, "I must have been given the wrong address. Someone is, for certain, is playing a joke on me."
While in Israel, Carter will visit Sderot the town most frequently hit by Gaza rocket attacks in order to assess the damage and report back to Hamas on the progress.
Checking the goods.
In his own defense Carter said, "I think it's important that at least someone meet with the Hamas leaders...If Israel is ever going to find peace...Hamas will have to be involved in the process."
Posted by Mathew Moore at 10:50 AM
Monday, April 21, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
In an announcement that has sent shock waves through both the entertainment and religious industries, actor Robert Blake has told reporters that he will make his comeback playing Pope Benedict XVI in the up coming bio-pic about the life of the top-level Catholic icon.
"I figure, the Pope's here. People are saying 'hey you kind of look like the pope, so..." says Blake when asked why he chose this particular role.
The movie is set to be released the next time the Pope visits America. There is all ready talk of Blake possibly earning an Academy Award, Emmy, or Association of Video Retailers Award for the role depending on whether the movie is released in theaters, on TV, or straight to video.
Blake doing some homemade make-up tests for the up-coming "Benedict: A Pope For All Ages"
"I'm the Pope."
Posted by Mathew Moore at 9:16 PM
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Whether the Iraqi government likes it or not, America is ready to give Muqtada al-Sadr his close up. Defense Secretary Robert Gates gave al-Sadr his full endorsement calling him a," significant political figure." Even General David Petraeus, who knows more about how well things are going in Iraq then anyone else, says the al-Sadr should be, "to varying degrees, accommodated." Senator Joe Lieberman praised al-Sadr calling him, "A stand-up guy. I like him, personally. I am a Democrat, though."
The Iraqi government has been less wiling to let al-Sadr play a part in their fresh Democracy since fighting broke out between Iraqi forces and al-Sadr's Mahdi Army militia in Basra and the Madhi Army stronghold of Sadr City. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki is asking Parliament to bar any party from participating in Iraqi elections if that party maintains a militia.
What al-Maliki fails to appreciate is the fact that everyone in Iraq has a militia. "You can't go grocery shopping, take a bus, or even swim in the ocean safely without at least one small militia," notes P. Thomas Barnes of the Democratic Foundation for a Free and Democratic Iraq, "Maliki knows what he's doing. Since virtually everyone in Iraq has a militia, no one else can run for President."
America has made it double-clear that if Muqtada al-Sadr wants to participate in the legitimate political process he must give up a few of his hobbies, namely violence. Even though al-Sadr has launched countless strikes against U.S. and Iraqi forces, the U.S. Defense Department is willing to give a muted "thumbs up" to their former unofficial arch enemy.
"Iraq is a tough place," says Gates, "It needs a tough leader. Someone like...a very tough leader."
Posted by Mathew Moore at 8:36 PM
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
"We're not saying that they should rebuild EVERYTHING without our financial and material help," says U.S. State Department Representative Dale Burnham. "We'll let them rebuild the hospitals, roads, power lines, neighborhoods, schools, and infrastructure. We'll take care of the rest."
Using Iraq's surging oil income as proof Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska said of the American people, "they are looking at why Baghdad can't pay more of these costs. The answer is they can."
In a compassionate act of bipartisanship Republican and Democratic senators have banded together to draft bills that will restrict all future reconstruction grants to loans instead of welfare-like giveaways.
The bills will include legislation that will force Baghdad to:
- Pay for the fuel used by U.S. Troops.
- Cover the cost of training friendly Sunni Militias.
- Spend more of it's surplus oil revenue to rebuild before tapping into precious U.S. cash resources.
- Buy back looted museum artifacts with surplus oil revenue.
- Pay a percentage of their income based on the amount of Iraq liberated.
Representative Lindsey Gramm of Michigan kept the ball rolling with a suggestion that any anticipated Iraqi budget surplus could be used to help Afghanistan, while Joe Lieberman slam dunked the issue hard by demanding that Iraq start paying some U.S. combat costs.
The Bush administration actually agreed with Congress stating that, "We expect Iraq to shoulder the full burden of these costs."
Luckily the U.S. can supervise all the reconstruction efforts from it's new $736 million dollar fortified embassy in Baghdad.
With Iraq taking on it's own burdens the question remains, "How much more accomplished is this mission going to get?"
Posted by Mathew Moore at 10:25 PM
Monday, April 14, 2008
Mugabe putting Haiti in it's place.
The mounting unrest includes political killings, voter fraud allegations, and starving people eating dirt-pies in anger and desperation as the rising cost of food has ignited nation wide protests.
Can Mugabe restore order to his tiny African country without the aid of former dictator Aristide?
Only time and Prime Legitimate News will tell.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 10:31 PM
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The theme of the "We Didn't Wait" ad explores America's resolve to tackle the tough issues of Nazism, race relations, and space travel while prompting Gore's minions to "act" in order to stop what he calls "Man Made Global Warming." Gore has a virtual clown-car of left-wing scientists ready to back him up on his claims, however, we at PLN prefer to have an even and honest debate about the issues.
OUR scientists liken the myth of man-made Global Warming more to Manuel Noriega then to Adolph Hitler. Manuel Noriega the former military strongman dictator of Panama, like global warming, was an easily manageable while marginally threatening, temporary nuisance with direct ties to drug related criminals*. Noriega is more like a benign environmental trend such as El Nino, the occasional drought, or hurricane Katrina which come and go with no meaningful or lasting repercussions. Most experts agree that if you were to compare Hitler to a natural calamity it would most likely be massive asteroid impact and the total destruction of all life on Earth, leaving a slight possibility for regeneration.
Our team of scientifically based research associates, in their study published on various popular science websites and in publications on print as well as the internet and online have concluded that the jury is not only still out on weather global warming is man made, but they've basically been bribed and/or brainwashed by Al Gore and his Greenworld henchlings. The scientists who would return OUR calls compared Global Warming less to the civil rights act and moon landing, more to the creation of the WB and the first guy who did bottle rockets.
In other words: THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM! The United States government has a plan to solve all of the worlds energy, sweetener, and movie snack problems with precious corn-based everything, end of story.
Instead of "An Inconvenient Truth" the American people should perhaps be tuned into a different movie. One about an environmentally-crazed cult leader hell bent on raising an army of zombie-environmentalists. It's called Trancers 2. Like most films which which are leaps ahead of their time in exposing the corrupt underbelly of the environmentalist-left, Trancers 2 was swept under the rug. Perhaps with new light being shown on the true nature of Al Gore's master plan, Trancers 2 will at last get the theatrical release it so clearly deserves and needs.
* Al Gore's son was arrested for driving with illegal drugs, and his father has admited to sampling a variety of Schedule I substances.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 9:39 PM
Friday, April 11, 2008
Littering is no longer a petty offense, it's a one way ticket to hell!
What isn't evil about playing God? Look what happened to Frankenstein, Jack Kervorkian, and Uri Geller.
*A specific amendment was added to this sin at the last minute: If you eat genetically altered food, you go to purgatory for 8 years minimum.
Accumulating Excessive Wealth
In order to set a good example the Catholic Church will discontinue the acceptance of all cash donations.
Not that we don't love the impoverished. In order to take a stand against poverty the Catholic Church will staunchly continue it's fight against contraception and birth control because studies show the more people there are per household, the more incomes a family is likely to accrue.
Drug Trafficking and Consumption
This includes driving a keg from one house to another and/or consuming it's contents. Hell.
Morally Debatable Experiments
Like voting for a female President.
Violation of Fundamental Rights of Human Nature
This one ranges from stealing ice cream & looking at someone funny all the way to murder & medical malpractice. It's a wide ranging new sin that makes sure all the bases are covered, and you have NO DOUBT that hell awaits unless you are forgiven.
The list of new sins was unveiled by Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti who believes that by expanding the ways which a man can be judged to spend eternity in hell, the church is breeding a whole new generation of more sin free Catholics. As the paramount authority on all things decent, ethical, and pure, righteous, saintly, virtuous, and true, the Catholic Church has proven once again that all those who wrongly accuse priests of sexual misconduct with young boys have that much farther to go in order to be true to God.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 5:44 PM
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The Olympic Torch Relay, which got it's start in 1936 during the Berlin Games somewhere in Europe, has come under a different kind of fire lately. The torch, a symbol of freedom and warmth, has become enemy #1 to liberals all across the globe who wish to impose their anti-establishment, anti-athletic, and pro-choice way of life on the rest of the world. Several of the most motivated fire-haters have made unsuccessful attempts to extinguish the triumphant flame of liberty and sports, simply to make a cheap political point.
A few prominent Democrats have even called on President Bush to consider boycotting the Olympics. The President countered by affirming that he will be attending the games as a "sports fan", not to make a political statement. In order to prove this Bush will take to sitting in the nosebleed seats, urinating with his fellow male sports-fans, and wearing an over-sized red white and blue foam glove suggesting that the American team is indeed number one.
Olympic historian Earl Henry tells us why this year's Olympic torch has been in more undisclosed locations than Dick Cheney, "It's because of these activists who claim to be protesting China's poor human rights record, including their Tibet policies."
Supporting the Tibetan cause has come a long way from being soley a sure fire method for musicians to get some in the mid-90's. China's recent crackdowns on rebellious monks has thrown international light on a dire situation begging the question, "Can China find a more secretive way to crackdown on monks?"
This question, along with many others, will be answered at the Beijing Olympics. Be sure to tune into PLN for a complete update on all of America's gold medal wins, and check out our in depth profiles on each and every U.S. athlete's most profoundly tragic obstacles.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 5:13 PM
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
United States Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker and General David Petraeus testified brilliantly on capitol Hill this week laying out the case for withdrawal from Iraq suggesting that the U.S. military, "Make reductions when the conditions allow."
Misguided democrats are demanding an "orderly withdrawal" while they can't even have an orderly Presidential Primary. Their overuse of liberal buzzwords like "benchmarks" and "success" underscore desperate attempts to settle personal and political scores with fellow party members.
Vice Presidential front runner Joe Lieberman painted the most honest picture of the progress in Iraq saying, "I wish we could have an agreement on the facts!"
Posted by Mathew Moore at 9:26 PM
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The terror-confab Hezbollah has so much pull in the country that even Lebanon's Legitimate Prime Minister Fuad Saniora put up a bewildered front stating, "We did not request any warships," as though America had prankishly ordered pizzas to his house.
The U.S. Military insists that the Navy sent the the three+ ships, including an amphibious assault craft, to Lebanon in order to promote regional stability during their on-going political crisis. Lebanon's elections have been delayed 15 times as Hezbollah tries to wrestle power away from those who value Freedom and Democracy. The U.S.S. Cole was sent in solely to scare Osama Bin Laden, who could be in Lebanon, you never know.
White House spokesperson Gordon Jondroe characterized the move as, "A show of support and stability." He insists that the real wolf-in-Lebanese clothing is the anti-Christ related terror network, Hezbollah, which is a direct threat to Israel therefore America.
Hezbollah legislator Hassan Fadallah called the move, "An American threat against Lebanon," while threatening that, "intimidation will not affect us."
Middle East experts of all creeds aren't sure whether or not seeing a bunch of cool American ships shining in the brilliant Mediterranean sun will have any influence with the Lebanese people or government. Some, who may or may not be over analyzing the situation, believe that a conflict in Lebanon would actually be a proxy war between the United States/Israel Vs. Syria/Iran. This global tag team match up, many believe, would put an end to the long period of co-Arabian instability in the region.
"If Syria's panicking about these ships, maybe it's because they have a guilty conscience," observes a recently retired Defense Department official, "What they should do is get their filthy, oil-rich hands off of Lebanon."
The Lebanese election has been pushed back to March 11th, however, considering the state of things many in Lebanon are asking, "Of what year?"
Posted by Mathew Moore at 3:32 PM
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
She's described America as "broken", "unfix-able", and "venereal-y diseased". Her critiques of U.S. life range from, "progressively worse and worse" to "increasingly unaffordable", and "downright dangerous." Experts get the impression that when Michelle Obama thinks of the United States it makes her want to vomit in fear and rage.
Whatever she feels about her country is nothing compared to the downright disdain she feels toward the man she's married to. In the acid-fling-a-thon that is a Presidential race, many negative things are said by one candidate about another. It's rare however to see a candidate's own spouse turn around and start bashing said candidate. Michelle Obama has called her husband "stinky", "snorey", and "a bag of worms encased in human flesh."
PLN Body Language/Celebrity Relationship analyst Deirdre commends Michelle Obama for her honesty and suggests that divorce may be the only option left for the couple. "She's a lot like the Phylicia Rashad character from 'The Cosby Show'. This is clearly a woman who needs more of everything. More money, more power, more attention, but at the same time she hates the man she needs to achieve those goals."
"She's mad. What's she mad at? America, her husband...probably men in general," says psychologist Dr. Robert Jones Ralph. "People like Michelle Obama will never be happy until everyone else in the world is as miserable as they are."
At every stop on her cross country tour Michelle Obama manages to paint life as a dark cloud of foreboding misery. In Wisconsin she mourned, "For the first time in my adult life I am really proud of my country."
"What she's stating here quite clearly is that not only does she hate America, but that freedom itself is something only a child could believe in," says Reg Bartlett Host of PLN's 'Deep in the Heart.' "What she sees when she looks at our nation is a country that hit the skids sometime during the mid 1970's. A lawless land where daddy's on the drink and mommy works 4 jobs just to buy enough crack to satiate her children who wolf it down like sugar-cereal."
A few worried observers fear for Barack Obama's safety in light of Michelle having recently called her husband's candidacy a, "once in a lifetime opportunity for us to be graced by a man like him(Hussein)."
"It sounds as though she is planning to go "praying mantis" and eat her husband if he does not win this election," says Deirdre. "As much as she hates Barack now, he'll never live it down if he doesn't pull off a big win. Poor guy."
Political strategists, however, can see right through the entire plot calling Michelle Obama's love of spreading negativity, "a wonderful political strategy." Peter Thomas of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies points out that, "It's exactly what cults do. Convince people their lives are miserable and offer them some phoney cure. It explains this whole cult like Obama-Mania that's gripped our nation."
He goes on to call for the unthinkable, "I never thought I'd say this but...I'm for...Hillary?" (sigh)
Posted by Mathew Moore at 1:22 PM
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Recent changes in the tone of Presidential political campaigning has caused PLN to begin looking for culprits. Someone, perhaps a person who has something to gain from slandering a close rival, released this picture to the mainstream media:
The photo shows Democratic front-runner Barrack Obama at a rare Kenyan Voodoo ceremony which blended pure African blackness with traditional terrorist-Muslim elements. Many experts suggest that releasing pictures such as this one:
...during a high stakes election might have been an attempt by someone who would like to see Barrack Obama lose popularity with rational, peace-loving Americans who might come to the conclusion that Obama is playing on every other team but our own.
The Hillary Clinton campaign, which has yet to take responsibility for the smear, has yet to admit to leaking the picture which shows Obama during his Madrasa days, paying homage to several false gods during an honorary indoctrination ceremony.
We at Prime Legitimate News think that it is shameful for anyone in a public position to use such graven images of pure evil to further their own political careers. To use an incriminating photo from a respected man's past in order to make a cheap, albeit true, point is nothing more than smear mercantilism in it's lowest form.
Hopefully someone will emerge from the rabble to straight-talk us through this horrible mud slinging contest.
Posted by Mathew Moore at 7:16 PM