Back in November the mainstream media ran away with the tragic story of former pastor Ted Haggart's fall from grace calling, him among other things, a hypocrite for bashing gays during his sermons. However, after three weeks of greased lightening paced work, Haggart has been swiftly and easily cured of all homosexual urges, desires, and longings.
A group of high ranking mega-Christian leaders worked round the clock with Haggart in a unique un-gayification program designed to get maximum results in the minimum amount of time. Haggart was put through a bevy of exercises in order to awaken the dormant heterosexual inside. The former New Life Ministry head pastor was shown a bundle of images, videos, books, and CD-ROMs all glorifying the miracle of heterosexual sex in the name of Christ.
"It worked like a charm," said one of the Pastors assigned to Haggart's case who requested anonymity. "This guy Haggart is so not gay it's…I can't even compare it to anything he's that straight." Another stated, "I feel sorry for his wife when he gets home. I'm afraid she's really in for it."
Haggart himself seemed pleased with the results adding, "I'm so ready to go home and be steady with my wife." It's refreshing to see a man so obviously cured and ready to get back into the life of full-time religious service.
The mainstream media has scoffed at Haggert's remarkable progress calling his rehabilitation "a scam". Pastor Henry Germond of Free Will Ministries retorts, "This is the liberal media and the gay agenda going hand in hand. They can't stand to see a gay go back. It's all part of their master plan." Whatever their plan, it looks like they'll have to find another poster boy for "Christian hypocrisy".