Thursday, September 20, 2007


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Toys Of Terror
"I bought my child an Easy Bake Oven that almost melted his G*d damn face off!" cried concerned parent Dutch O'Neill in regard to a dangerous, slave assembled part of China's conspiracy to commit global genocide against the civilized capitalist world. All evidence points to the fact that China is attempting to wipe out an entire generation of American children with high levels of the multi-toxic lead paint with which it uses to make popular toys for sale in the United States and other freedom loving countries.

A massive recall has been issued for over 1 million Chinese made toys, worldwide, for a diverse variety of unmet safety standards including:

- Barbie clothes that melt into a noxious green goo when contacted by sunlight.

- Toy guns that fire potentially fatal, live rounds of ammunition.


- Face melting Easy Bake Ovens.

American consumers, sparked by a patriotic sense of activism have begun a boycott of Chinese products. Father of children Dutch O'Neill explains, "The first time it happened I thought, 'Well, it's slave labor, so I'll just let it slide.' The next two times I was like, 'No way!' Then after the sixth injury we decided to quit buying Chinese made toys."

Along with the health of an entire generation of children, American business faces catastrophic consequences as a result of China's unprovoked attack. Toy maker Mattel is reaping massive condemnation from unpatriotic citizens who blame America first when we're attacked by terrorists and foreigners. "They used toys like Bin Laden used air planes," a prime spokesperson for the State Department was quoted as saying. "Of course many are going to play politics as usual and support terrorists, but we know an act of war when we see one."

In response to the uncovering of their massive plot, the Chinese government went on the offensive by highlighting several "quality issues" they've had with American products entering their country. China claims it has found microscopic worms inside wooden packaging from the United States as well as "substandard vitamins" for "children".

Global export/import expert Joe Kral explained China's obviously insane state of desperation stating, "Look, the worms they found were microscopic which means they had to look pretty damn hard to even find them. Besides, microscopic worms aren't going to electrocute any children when they turn them on like so many of the Dora the Explorer lamps that were manufactured in China from mid 2006 to August 2007."

Many child psychologists fault China for turning so many of our beloved childhood icons into brightly colored messengers of death and injury. "I remember a time when Barbie Dolls weren't an instrument of global holocaust," recalls Agnes Rose, a lifelong collector of Mattel products. "Now, it seems like you can't buy anything for your children that doesn't poison, shock, or potentially asphyxiate them. I miss the good old days. F**k China."

As for the charge of "substandard vitamins", China may have even more explaining to do. Less than 8 percent of all Chinese herbal remedies sold over the Internet have proven to produce the desired pheremonal results advertised. "They've been ripping us off in vitamins for years," recalls Del Smith who runs, a non profit organization committed to rooting out acts of Chinese retail terrorism. "This whole toy thing is going to rip the covers off one of the biggest threats to our Earth's population ever: trade with China. It goes deeper than anyone can even imagine. From Rhino Horn cut with chalk powder to Ginseng containing less than half it's marketed potency levels, the Chinese should be the last to complain about lackluster nutritional supplements."

Even online conspiracy theorists have had their crack at the China story. One eager youngster who blogs under the name of "Gregor" made an interesting case in regard to China's sad history of economic terrorism stating emphatically, "I have conclusive proof that the blood thirsty Chupacabra of Mexico is most likely a rat so horribly mutated by the deplorable conditions on Chinese shipping boats they ate the crew, steered the ship toward land, and grounded in Mexico where they've continued to rampage-bloody up to this very day."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketChinacabra: Simulated Depiction

Many are saying that the solution to this problem is not to cut off trade with China, but for China to either lower their prices significantly over the next few years and months or face possible consequences. With unanimous, across the board support of a world community torn apart by Chinese products America had considered using military force, but has settled on a more diplomatic option.

"If China perhaps were to forgive the 321 billion dollars we owe them in debt," observes an unnamed State Department official, "maybe we'll look the other way."

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Katie Davis, near collapse, pays a steep price for her love of toys.

1 comment:

coffee said...

out of all the mythical, blood sucking creatures out there, the Chupacabra is almost certainly the sneakiest