Thursday, September 20, 2007


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Imagine the scenario: Angry illegal immigrants swarm the streets stealing jobs, raping freedoms, and leaving a trail of tall-can Modelos in their economically destructive path. It's something Buck Stillweather of the Alpha Division of the Arizona Minutemen sees everyday.

"Tell ya what," says Stillweather, "them crowd control gun rays is the sure-fire thing we need out here on the border! We need one of them GIANT border control death rays...gun ray, or whatever it is. Yeah, death ray."

Actually it's not really a "death ray" as Stillweather has been fooled by violent space operas like "Star Wars" into believing. Buck has simply allowed himself to be manipulated by propaganda giants like Hollywood liberal George Lucas and his pals Joseph Campbell and totalitarian Bill Moyers.

What Stillweather was referring to is America's patented Active Denial System(ADS), a 100 percent non-lethal, humane, and peaceful crowd control device developed by the Pentagon at a cost of $62 million dollars.

Nestled atop overly armored Humvees the Active Denial System omits a millimeter-thick ray that makes evil doers feel like they've been touched by an invisible beam, and that their skin is "on fire". As long as they're not holding any metal objects they should be just fine. The worst things that Active Denial Systems can do to a terroist include such uncommon reactions as burning, scarring, and blindness in varying degrees depending upon where the beam hits and how much metal you happen to be carrying at the time.

"I've always said, 'Feeling like your skin is on fire is better than your skin actually being on fire,'" mused a recently retired Secretary of Defense in response to criticism of the Active Denial System. "Besides, it's a millimeter wave! That's the smallest measurement on the ruler for Pete's sake."

Pentagon spokesperson W.S. Gainsworth pointed out the much celebrated fact that, "We've managed to pinpoint the happy median between psychological and physical torture. Essentially it's like a torture device, but without any of the actual torture."

Advanced Geneva conventionists will tell you that compared to what went on in Abu Ghraib, which wasn't actually torture, these crowd control rays will be like treating terrorists and dissenters to a gourmet meal followed by hot oil rub downs with all the trimmings.

Liberals, the ACLU, and a gang bang of Hollywood leftists have banded together to defend the rights of terrorists who target large crowds, anti-American demonstrators who undercut the Democratic way of life, and illegal Mexicans.

Because of the left's strong-arm influence on every aspect of American life, the Pentagon has postponed the use of Active Denial Systems thereby guaranteeing a marked decrease in the quality of life for freedom loving people throughout the world. Economists, attempting to make the most out of a defeatist situation, have suggested selling the ADS Humvees to Chile, Saudi Arabia, or some other country that actually has the balls to keep a crowd in it's place.

All senior and junior military analysts agree in conjunction with one another that America would have had the Iraq War wrapped up in a standard sized gift basket with enough time and man power to deal with the rapidly spreading "Venezuelan Problem" if only we'd used the Active Denial System from the get-go.

A top graduate of the prestigious School of the Americas points out, "America used ADS systems in the Panamanian War, only then they were 50 times stronger. You didn't see nobody complaining at that time. We cut houses right in half. I swear, it was like ants under a magnifying glass. See how easy that war was? And, that was in the 1980's! Good days, my friend."

It's only a matter of time before the far left in this country understands that we're cutting them a break. As Gainsworth astutely points out, "ADS makes sense. Someone who thinks they're on fire is a lot happier than someone with bullets inside of them. It's simple math." The best way for honorary Russians like Tim Robbins, Chevy Chase, and Whoopi Goldberg to understand the truth about ADS is to step up an take a shot for themselves.

Trust us: It only FEELS like it hurts.

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