Thursday, September 20, 2007


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Crazy Sheehan-igans!

Former leader of the anti war movement, Cindy Sheehan, stated that she would challenge current Democratic speaker of the House, Nanci Pelosi, for her seat in Congress unless Pelosi does what Pelosi already said she wouldn't do: Impeach the President!?

Sheehan has given Pelsoi two weeks to bring the impeachment proceedings to the floor. "Perhaps to take unique advantage of Pelosi's menstrual cycle" observes Guy Bullock, co founder of the United Center for Indivisible Policy Studies. "Female political figures are very dangerous, but also very cleaver, due to the scientifically proven onslaught of life-long mood swings that plague all women."

Sheehan stated that she will run against Pelosi as an "Independent", which is basically code for "Ameri-communist". Bullock thinks her Independent status will only help Republicans in the long run. If Sheehan knocks Pelosi off, then it would surely tip the House in favor of the GOP which only needs to pick up two or three seats to retain their permanent majority.

A terrified Pelosi spokesperson almost needed a change of pants after hastily explaining, "July will be a month of action in Congress to end the war."

Sheehan, tired of mostly left wing smear tactics, abandoned her job as leader of the anti-war movement in order to make some congressional cash with her new-found fame. She even went so far as to say that her anti-war efforts had been "in vain" probably because she realized that no matter what she did, she couldn't weaken the morale of our soldiers in harm's way.

Most analysts concurrently agree that Sheehan, who has no experience in politics, would be great fodder for a situation comedy, but isn't likely to do America any good. When asked why she wanted to impeach President Bush she railed off the same tired left wing talking points we've heard for the past six-odd years, even dusting off the ol' "domestic spying" and "Hurricane Katrina" woes. All the while New Orleans has been re-built and Clinton did plenty of domestic spying when he wasn't cheating on his wife.

Sheehan said publically that she hopes Pelosi would file the articles of impeachment so that Sheehan can move onto other projects including a possible cookbook. Pelosi, however, has already made the solemn promise: "Impeachment is off the table." This kind of promise, which she reportedly made under oath, in the presence of the President is not something anyone can go back on without facing serious legal, political, and personal consequences.

Many astute political observers say that for Pelosi to attempt to impeach the President would be both political and literal suicide. As Bullock points out, "It can't be done. It won't be done. She promised."

While a debate between Sheehan and Pelosi would entertainingly de-evolve into a bra burning contest in which the only issue debated is who hates the troops more, one serious fact remains the same: They both believe the world would be better off with Saddam still in power.

With logic like that on their sides, it looks to be Pelosi vs. Sheehan in a hair flinging battle to see who steals more votes from the other, leading to an all out San Francisco-style Republican victory.

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