It's morning in America all over again for the triumphant American Bald Eagle. The bird we all know and love as a Christian symbol of freedom and democracy is being removed from the endangered species list by the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. Virtually all bird scientists agree that this is the conclusive evidence they need to finally link up the most popular theory regarding Bald Eagle population patterns.
Based on their exclusive data, the National Center for Eagle Conservationism has come to some startling conclusions. "If you look at the numbers and how they correspond with recorded events in history it becomes very clear that you have more Bald Eagles when America is at it's most patriotic and quite the reverse when it is not," says NCEC's Rey Del Fazio "It's almost like...like...the Eagles can FEEL it."
Not everyone agrees, and since this is America, that's OK. Still, many Soros funded Scientologists say the Eagle populations dwindled because they were exposed to the widely used pesticide known as DDT which supposedly rendered the Eagles incapable of creating their patriotic offspring. "Nothing could have more distance between the truth and it. DDT is an old wives tale invented by Al Gore's grandfather and a couple of lesbians. Look at the numbers."
- During World War 2 the Eagle numbers were at an all time high. You could almost hear the mighty battle cry of a grown male Eagle echo through the frosty Wyoming air as Hitler off'd himself in that bunker.
- However, by 1963 the Eagle numbers took a sharp dive when America suddenly became overly saddened by President Kennedy's death. At that time the Eagles hit an all time low of 417 breeding pairs
- Things got so bad for the down and out Eagles throughout our increasing involvement in the messy Vietnam war that they had to be put on federal protection(the bird version of welfare) in 1967.
- The Bald Eagle's luck quickened when Nixon got a foothold of power in 1972.
- With Carter's election the species was practically wiped off the map.
- Eagle numbers rose steadily throughout the Regan revolution, suddenly tapering off a little bit when George HW Bush refused to finish off Saddam.
- The election of William "Jefferson" Clinton seemed likely to be the final nail in the coffin for these majestic birds of prey.
"The Eagles were so turned off by what they could feel was our collective disgust at a President gone wild," observes Del Fazio. Studies show, after the Lewinsky scandal, Eagles refused to engage in any mating activity for the remainder of Clinton's presidency.
Then a miracle happened. An ace President took us into a global war against the forces of evil. "After that, well...look at the numbers! More than 9,700 breeding pairs!" Del Fazio knows that Eagle population has nothing to do with human encroachment at all. "These birds have loved us ever since George Washington refused to chop down their cherry trees."