Wednesday, November 21, 2007

PLTV - TV IS HERE TO STAY! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Looks like all the writers in Hollywood got together and penned a big, fat flopper-oo. Critics are already calling the Writers Guild of America strike, "The most pointless labor dispute in American history."

Writers are currently doing something that only comes naturally to lazy, "creative" types: refusing to work. Only this time, they're taking the rest of the entertainment industry down with them into slacker oblivion. As an excuse not to work, the writers are demanding that studios and producers pay them money that isn't even being made from DVD sales and so-called Internet downloads.

Many in the liberal media, who want the average hard working American to feel sorry for those who get paid to do something most people do for fun, would like you to believe that America will tailspin when TV shows start going off the air because of the writers strike. We at PLN beg to differ.

If you want a hint regarding the remainder of "Grey's Anatomy's" season, here it is: Everyone who hasn't f**ed yet, does. Anyone interested in FOX's "24" can simply tune into PLN everyday to watch how America really fights the War On Terror. If it's ABC's "Lost" you will miss, you can always watch the Democrats debate.

As for the new shows about to be black-holed into nothingness by the strike, who cares? FOX's "K-Ville" proved that Americans are tired of hearing about Hurricane Katrina, the idea of a superior female had people turning off NBC's "Bionic Woman", and the flopping of ABC's "Caveman" goes to show you what the average American citizen thinks of crazy "evolution fantasies".

Of course the best thing to come out of the writer's strike is the fact that toilet-fodder like "The Daily Show" and "Colbert Report" will be off the air during the elections. This means that the liberal elite won't be able to manipulate American politics through their two most popular mouth pieces.

The main thing going against writers is exactly what's been plaguing them ever since some smart-ass decided to put words on record. When you consider the fact that everything that's ever going to be written already has been, there's really not much point in paying someone to trod out the same old garbage. Add on to that the commonly shared opinion that writing isn't actually work, therefore not something one should be paid for.

As a remedy to the WGA strike PLN will be launching PLTV. Prime Legitimate TV will be an all non-union, mainstream television network to rival ABC, CBS, and FOX. PLTV will combine American production values with Telemundo-like efficiency on a budget that everyone can agree on, or they're fired.

Here's a sample of the new shows ONLY on PLTV:

"So You Think You're A Reality TV Star Who Can Also Dance?"

- Reality stars dance-off in a dance competition judged by other reality stars! More reality than real life!

Dogg: The Bounty Hunter (Second Chance Edition)

- 'Cause everyone except Alec Baldwin deserves a second chance.

Predator House: Raw

- 6 sex predators, one house. You be the judge!

Northern Exposure reruns!

- It's back!

Who Wants A New Face!?

- PLTV is practically GIVING away faces!

Ca-Ching! - The Game Show

- Contestants try to guess which bag has money in it.

PLTV in conjunction with PLN will also be hosting at least 16 more episodes of "The Presidential Debates". Considering the Writers Guild strike, however, Hillary will not be taking any questions from the audience.

Despite all attemps by those who would rather opt out of functional society, TV will be stronger than ever after the debut of PLTV!

Prime Legitimate TV
"The Way It Should Be"

Contact your local cable provider!

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A writer at work.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

PLN - DEFENDING AMERICA'S SHERIFF - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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The greatest law enforcement official in American history, with Bernard Kerik coming in a close second, is in the middle of a left wing fire/metal storm and the fight of his career. As the #1 news station on cable network news, we at PLN feel it pertinent to warn you of the left wing tidal-wave style takeovers of our free press like the one in play in Orange County, California right now.

It seems as though a local communist pamphlet which specializes in character assassination, paganistic rituals, and features numerous ads for porno-smut, prostitutes of varying quality, and secret "medical" marijuana drug labs has launched a tsunami uppercut attack against the most uncorruptable police officer since Robocop, Orange County Sheriff Mike Carona. Carona was officially proclaimed "America's Sheriff" by the people of the United States via "The Larry King Show" in 1998. That label, combined with a spotless crime fighting record have had many hoping that "America's Sheriff" might team up with "America's Mayor" for a Giuliani/Carona Presidential ticket in 2008.

The local tab-propagand-loid that calls itself OC Weekly clearly understands the political value of Mike Carona to the Republican Party. He's a simple man who loves Jesus, his family, and his sworn duty to protect children from sick children-killers. This self styled Conservative Christian needed to be brought down, and the pesky un-embeds at the OC Weekly proceeded to crank out a non-stop litany of un fact-checked, biased, and altogether rude articles about Carona at such a obsessive pace you'd think they had a man-crush on the Sheriff. What the pseudo-intrepid go-getters at the Weekly we're to stoned and VD'd out of their minds to know was that while they were "reporting" perceived Carona gaffes, they may have been breaking the law. The National Security Law.

Those with first hand knowledge of the facts on the ground understand that Mike Carona has a brilliant crime solving mind which rivals that of Sherlock Holmes, Matlock, and Johnnie Cochran all rolled into one. His skill is his subtle genius which is hidden behind a doofus disguise. It's when he's at his worst that he's actually at his best.

Case in point: Between 2002-2004 Carona went undercover as a corrupt cop in order to gain the trust of Vegas mafioso/exotic dance club owner Rick Rizzolo and his gang. The OC Weekly printed photos of Carona in an undercover police uniform pretending to party, accept large cash contributions, even going so far as to sample strippers in Rizzolo's presence to make the criminals believe that he would be the kind of man who might throw his Christian values out the door in exchange for sex and cash. By reporting the story, the OC Weekly blew Carona's cover just like Joe Wilson blew his wife's cover as a CIA agent when he started criticizing the War On Terror.

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Notice the drink in Rizzolo's hand. Carona had slipped
the mobster a truth serum so that Rizzolo might spill
more beans than usual. Brilliant!

"OC Weekly takes things so far out of context you forget there was ever a context to begin with," complains Deli Owner/City Council Member Joe Del Fazio. Del Fazio has also been an innocent victim of several unflattering OC Weekly articles, and is not associated with organized crime whatsoever.

The far-left drug-pimps at the OC Weekly went so far as to endanger American lives in a post 9-11 world by revealing Top Secret and Confidential anti-terror-non-anti-terror training procedures in a failed attempt to crucify Sheriff Carona. The "paper" actually printed a story insinuating that Carona allowed Joseph Medawar, a con-man with ties to Saudi-Arabia and now convicted felon, to film a Top Secret Anti-Terror training exercise with three camera crews.

This, of course, was another Mike Carona master-stroke! The whole anti-terror exercise was a FAKE! Carona organized the entire phony exercise so that the Saudis would THINK they knew how America does anti-terror, but they really had no clue at all. Of course the "hate America first"-ers over at the Weekly went right ahead and let the whole plan out of the bag. (cough) Treason. (cough, cough) Later, the clueless Weekly made a big deal about how Medawar turned out to be a criminal who was later arrested by the FBI for money laundering and obstruction of justice. Good thing America's Sheriff Mike Carona got the FBI on his trail! Carona may have helped to stop another 9-11, or at least a 7-7.

The main reason for the never ending onslaught of anti-"America's Sheriff" articles in the OC Weekly is obvious. Carona's been rounding up their readers by the bus load ever since he was elected to be OC's Top Cop in 1998. The Sheriff's packed the prisons to past-full with so many perps, lowlifes, and other OC Weekly types that there are barely enough beds and nurses to take care of them all. With no access to OC Weekly in jail their number of readers has decreased to the point where they may consider skimming more than the usual 10% commission on tricks turned by the women-for-sale in their back-page classifieds. Figures like 15% have been floated about the "office".

The one and only compromising bit of information the Weekly may have unearthed about Mike Carona is his intense love of crime fighting techniques, strategies, and gadgets. The commited Sheriff's deep desire to make Orange County a shining county on a hill, as far as law enforcement is concerned, led him to become overly excited in his public enthusiasm for a crime preventing laser-gun that safely brings an end to police pursuits.

The invention was sold by CHG Safety Technologies Inc. CHG is owned by former convicted felon Charles Grabbard who now invents technologies used to catch the very criminals he used to be. Carona and CHG became such close partners in crime-fighting that it soon became very unclear where, when, and how the transactions of certain funds ended up going from CHG into Carona's campaign committee.

"Fog of War. That's all I gotta say about that," says a CHG representative. "Just stop and think for a second. Imagine a huge laser that stops crooks from getting away. Mike had stars in his eyes. No matter how much money he had to take, he was going to see those things in use...maybe even on sick child-killographers."

For a pinko one-ply, the OC Weekly sure seems have something against charity. They showed their truest colors when the the paper went after Carona for his program to enrich people's lives through the receiving of their own, official police badges. The Weekly made a big fuss over a little skirmish on a golf course involving one of Carona's honorary deputies, Raymond Yi. Yi, responding to injustice on the course, began flashing his badge and gun at other golfers. Perhaps Carona should have thought twice about giving a badge to someone as committed to preserving the peace as Yi, but the 85 other people Carona passed out official police badges to have gone on without reported, public incident. The Weekly had a problem with the "Honorary Deputy" program because it simply meant that there were 85 of Carona's most reliable and trustworthy friends, relatives, and donors hunting down and rounding up their readers.

The Weekly even managed to brainwash the most prime and legitimate newspaper in California, The Orange County Register, into nit-picking Carona's finances to near-death while the Weekly focused on the more salacious material. Spurned on by the OC Weekly's steady flow of Carona bashing, several women have banded together to form a type of "Anita Hill Task Force" in order to file multiple sexual-harassment suits against Sheriff Carona. Carona insists, "Just cause these ladies wanted to have sex with me, and I refused them, doesn't mean I committed any harassments."

The case against Carona adds up to nothing but propaganda of the worst kind being fed to the public by irresponsible college drop outs posing as journalists in order to impress girls. Despite the Weekly's obvious lack of journalistic credibility, the mainstream media has taken the bait and begun reporting the Weekly's lies as though they were the absolute truth. A justice system on the brink of shatterment has charged Carona with seven felony counts, accusing him of accepting money, high priced gifts, sports tickets, a $5,000 watch for his wife, and loans for his so-called "mistress". One fabrication sewn onto another has created the quilt of lies that the left wing media has used to pull over the eyes of Americans everywhere.

It's not only the OC Weekly. There are little "Weekly" newspapers all over this country, ready to pounce on legitimate elected officials and tear apart this country with their far-out agendas. PLN hopes you will take note, and consider making Prime Legitimate News your only source for even and honest news, all the time.

Remember! We deliver the news, you sign for it!

God bless America, and America's Sheriff.

Monday, October 29, 2007

PLN - SURI'S PERFECT SCIENTOLOGY CHILDHOOD! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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US Weekly magazine took a break from covering the latest "accidental" appearance of Britney Spear's vagina to bring us their cover story about the thoroughly charmed, ideal, and enviable life of Scientology's prodigal daughter, Suri Cruise. The magazine attempted to pass Suri off as a normal kid who loves ice cream, cake, and the barley water, milk, and corn syrup formula that Scientology advocates babies drink in their first years of life. In fact, Suri's Cruise's life has been perfect from the moment she shot out of her mother like a DC-8 from space.

"This is one lucky kid," says a family insider. It's an almost perfect picture.

The only thing holding Suri back from complete happiness is her young age. At only 2 years old Suri is too young to begin taking classes at the Scientology Center where she will eventually begin her journey on the bridge to total freedom. That doesn't stop Suri from getting a leg up on all the wogs(Scientology's special word for non-Scientologists) out there. According to a close family friend interviewed by US Weekly, "Tom doesn't like associating with people who aren't Scientologists." This will assure that Suri grows around a constant throng of true believers including her two Scientologist nannies. These aren't your regular dust-maids and vacuum jockeys. These maids are at least OT 5 level Scientologists, and are well versed in very Scientological parenting practice.

"This is all sure to rub off on Suri from the get-go," says one enthusiastic Scientologist whose job it is to track my every move as I write this story. The OT levels refer to the 7 levels on Scientology's Bridge to Total Freedom. After Suri completes all 7 levels of the bridge she will be deemed "Clear", i.e.: The Perfect Person.

As a Clear, Suri will:

- Be clear of all negative influences.

- Have perfect recognition of every moment from her past.

- Never have colds or accidents.

- Have the ability to self-cure cancer.

- Have the ability to stare down a great white shark without feeling any fear under certain, controlled circumstances.

Note: One of these attributes is actually false. Be the first to guess which one and you'll win a free DVD copy of the PLN documentary: Death of a Hitler: The Saddam Hussein Story!

Suri's had the full Scientology treatment from her first moments of human life. Katie chose to have a "Silent Birth", as is suggested by Hubbard. The silent birth consists of no one present during Suri's Scientology approved birthing ritual being allowed to make a sound, including the mother, for fear that the sound trauma will be stored inside the baby's consciousness as "Engrams". The Engrams, or trapped psychological scars, will lead to severe problems of all kinds in the future. Hubbard also wrote that the mother should use "as little anesthetic as possible," during the birthing process. The barring of anesthetic may be a test to see whether or not the mother-to-be is really into the Scientology, or just some faker.

The US Weekly article pathetically tries to paint Tom and Katie as "typical new parents" when the exact opposite is obviously true. "They basically let Suri have at planet Earth like it's her own private Battlefield," says a close family friend who demands complete confidentiality. L. Ron Hubbard advised parents to be like a friend to their child, and not to refuse them much when they want their way and throw fits.

"Keeping Scientology Working!"

Don't just take US Weekly and PLN's word for it. Famous and successful actor Giovanni Ribisi says, "Without Scientology, I'd be in an alley somewhere, looking for dope." Since the options for most people on Earth truly are Scientology or drugs, the answer was clear for Ribisi. He goes on to praise the teachings of the Scientology Center calling it, "analogous to college." A recommendation like that could be taken as a suggestion to skip out on "higher education" altogether and start skipping across the bridge to total freedom, today!

When I asked my Scientologist...um...watcher how I could do that myself she gave me a very simple test consisting of questions that really got me thinking about how my life is missing something important, but I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. To figure this out it was recommended by my "Auditor" that I take the FREE(!) Introductory communication class. She says I'm a prefect candidate for the Bridge and should begin immediately before consulting ANYONE else about my decision. To tell you the truth, I'm really jazzed! Pretty soon I'll have a chance to be hooked up to an:

E-Meter!

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An e-meter is a device invented by L. Ron Hubbard which reads the presence of thetans in a person's bloodstream. Thetans are large and small alien spirits that were brought to earth 75 million years ago by an evil intergalactic overload named Xenu. It's all been proven by science and Scientology which Hubbard describes as, "The Study of Knowingness."


Here's John Travolta hooked up to an e-meter!


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Hubbard performs some of his important tomato-research with an e-meter:


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Skeptical enemies, trying to bring down a legitimate religion, have sunk so low as to ruin a family's good name. Family unity couldn't be more evident than in the case of Holmes' parents Martin and Kathleen. Together they made a trip to see the Cruise's in Berlin, proving that everything is smooth sailing. The secular left wing media has done all it can to paint a picture of a couple trying to do whatever they can to keep their daughter in their lives in at least some capacity while clinging to the hope that logic will drift back into her mind so they may pry her away from the horribly backfiring Cinderella-based nightmare that's become her life ever since she married a brainwashed embarrassment factory of a falling super-star. It's not like that at all.

As if things weren't perfect enough, Katie's been dropping hints of a possible second child. This breaking news has led the media into an all out "Bump Watch" frenz-travaganza. PLN's own special affairs correspondent, and resident Scientologist, Helga Von Streussel has thoroughly analyzed the most recent images of Katie Homes with her trained eye. Unfortunately she has concluded that, "Katie Holmes, at this time, does not have the right kind of bump which would indicate successful insemination." Explaining the intricate bump-watch procedure she says, "What were looking for here is a bump of increasing size, magnitude, and velocity. It's not so much we're looking for any old tummy-lumps. All I see in these pictures is a woman with gas...unless she had a miscarriage. That's a possibility. I'll ask her next time I see her."

The Commodore

According to my auditor(aka: trusted friend) Hubbard was a, "decorated war hero, author of Shakespearean proportions, and the greatest humanitarian known to man." Watch this video, and find out for yourself!

Remember! We at PLN deliver the news, you sign for it! This reporter looks forward to advancing along the many levels of Scientology toward total clearness. I hope the rest of the classes are free like the first one!!


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

PLN - WHY RON PAUL WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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We at PLN know what you're going to say.

Yes, he's pro-life.

Yes, he wants to build a fence between the United States and Mexico.

Yes, he'll abolish welfare, social security, as well as any and all unnecessary government bureaucracies(aka: programs & services).

BUT, there are more reasons NOT to vote for Ron Paul then there are TO vote for him.

Don't let his fake victories in numerous "opinion" polls fool you, Ron Paul is possibly the single most crazily un-electable presidential hopeful since Nicole Kidman's stalker ran for the highest office in the land. A faster-than-quick glance at Paul's platform is enough to justify his absence on any ballot.

First and foremost is his non-interventionist foreign policy. Mr. Paul believes that America should stop spreading democracy to third, fourth, and fifth world nations, ensuring the global spread of radical Islamo-fascerrorism. He sternly believes the noble War On Terror is not worth fighting. Paul even went so far as to vote against the Iraq War resolution in 2002!? He treats The Patriot Act as though it were written on used toilet paper, and has tried to renege on it several times. All of these anti-security actions have prompted many to ask whether or not Paul is actually a liberal in disguise which would explain his appeal amongst confused leftists looking for ways to get back at their fathers through irrational political radicalization.

His weak stance on National Security is also bound to cost him the important military vote. Most military experts are asking, "Why would soldiers want to elect a President that's never going to send them into battle? It's counter-intuitive."

Of course the most dangerous thing about Ron Paul are the people who actually DO support him. Seasoned political analysts spit out their drinks when they learn how much money Paul receives, and where he gets it from. Studies have found that Paul rakes in over 90% of his campaign money from "individual donations", most of which are gathered on the INTERNET(!?) through the dangerous practice of "viral marketing." Simply read the term: VIRAL MARKETING. It correctly implies that Ron Paul is a virus and those who support him are prime carriers ranging from disgruntled anarchist-liberals who secretly desire to be(or be with) conservatives, all the way to libertarians so Kool-Aided out of their minds that their tongues are forever stained by Red Dye #5.

It's common knowledge that ANY Internet support translates to: "Coo-coo! Coo-coo!" The Internet is run by people who believe the holocaust, 9/11, and Jesus never existed! Paul's popularity only goes to show you just how many insane types there really are out there.

Ernst Gennero of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies knows that, "America can't afford to have a President controlled by the whims of a bunch of people. It would threaten the very democracy we hold dear. What America needs is someone like a Bush or Giuliani. A president who can stand up to the American people when they don't know what's good for them, or in this case, when they've gone 100% bat-s**t crazy."

On the aesthetic front, everyone knows he's too thin. A presidential candidate can be healthy, but the line is crossed when he can officially be referred to as "svelte". When a politician is too thin people begin to ask questions about health, diet, and/or the possible use of illegal narcotics which is common amongst paranoid, conspiracy nut-jobs.

There's even a wild card in the mix of reasons why Ron Paul will never be sworn in as leader of the free-world: his two first names. Only 4 legitimate American Presidents in history have ever been elected with two first names as first and last name.*

Eventually the American people will come to the obvious conclusion that Ron Paul is as un-electable as any of the Democratic candidates out there, with the possible exception of liberal Senator Larry Craig(D-Idaho) who expressed an interest in running for President before being outed as a bathroom-gay.

* PLN will award copies of our DVD documentary "Death of a Hitler: The Saddam Hussein Story" to the first 5 people who can e-mail us the correct 4 LEGITIMATE American Presidents who were elected with two first names.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - PROMO

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

PLN - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ATLAS!! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Atlas Shrugged the perennial, best selling classic of indisputable virtue is celebrating it's 50Th Anniversary this month! Literature aficionados across the globe are taking note as this widely celebrated, best loved, under-rated novel of biblical proportions turns the big five-oh. Rand may be gone, but her philosophy of Objectivism lives on in her proud followers. Ayn Rand enthusiasts will mark the occasion with a world wide toast to the book everyone agrees was her greatest achievement.

"This is going to be our biggest celebration yet," notes Carl Ubell, avid Objectivist. "Ayn hated parties so we're still keeping things pretty low-key, but that doesn't mean there isn't lots of rational fun to be had."

Core Objectivists get together every year to celebrate Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, and Objectivism. Some of their annual traditions include:

- Making Ayn's favorite recipes, and eating some of them.

- Dressing like characters from her novels.

- They also pass around an angora sweater owned by Rand, which many claim still carries her distinct scent, and sniff it for prosperity.

However, not everyone is celebrating. If you look really hard you'll find a few members of civilized society critical of Ms. Rand's work. Mark Casper is one of them. He describes himself as a "recovering Randroid" whatever that means.

"Ayn Rand is basically L. Ron Hubbard without the space fantasies," mocks Casper, "They're both authors which attract a very specific, lonely fringe of male society looking for answers as to why no one truly understands them. It's a cult."

"As anyone who sends away the free postcard in the back of any and all Ayn Rand books to Objectivism HQ will soon find out Objectivism is far from a cult. It's just a new way of thinking. A new vision of perfect morality," says Ron Donaldson whose 5 children are named Dominique, Howard, Dagny, John G., and Kira after characters from Rand's books. When asked whether it's awkward that 4 of their children are named after characters that have had sex with each other he responds, "Um...no cause...it was good for the story."

Don't just take his word for it. Simply mail in the post card you find in the back of every Ayn Rand book with your full, real name and address in order to get the undiluted truth about Objectivism. ARI will send you awesome Objectivism offers, updates, and info about the Ayn Rand Institute's College Scholarship Essay contest. If you can describe Ayn's novels better than anyone else you'll win a marginally generous scholarship to attend a university, although many believe you're better off just taking classes at the Institute. As one graduate put it, "ARI won't brainwash you like those liberal dunk-dank universities."

"The essay contest is a useful tool for introducing passionate young minds to Ayn's works," says leader of Objectivism and Rand's longtime friend and intellectual heir, Leonard Peikoff. Peikoff isn't just the final hanger on, a lookout-lad promoted to Captain before the ship sinks, as it were. He's a worthy intellectual heir if there ever was one.

"His books were so good, nobody even bothered to buy them," notes the young Ayn Rand institute janitor. "Where Ayn's philosophy was easily palatable to even the most irrational of the enemy, Leonard's are vastly more complex and perfect. That's why they're collector's items. It's not just cause they went out of print."

While anyone with a rational atom in their body loves Atlas Shrugged, many complain about the length of the book which clocks in at an intimidating 1,168 pages. Objectivists are quick to dismiss criticism of any kind, let alone about the book's length.

"Atlas Shrugged may be long, but it's RIGHT. How can anyone get TOO much right? There are probably other books out there that are, what, like...300 pages long, I'm guessing. How many of those pages contain irrefutable facts? How many of those books will tell you how to be the ideal human being? You get so much more truth per page in Atlas Shrugged than in most of that Shakespeare stuff that nobody can understand, anyway. Those 1,168 pages BREEZE right by...if you're a rational human being. She's so not the Leni Riefenstahl of books."

Recovering Randroid Casper begs to differ suggesting, "If you have a table and one of it's legs are really, really, really f**ked up, you could use Atlas Shrugged to even it out."

In preparation for tonight's festivities Ubell has been setting aside a number of dog-eared Atlas Shrugged copies he says are for "The Sacrifice". "Every year we round up all the copies of Atlas Shrugged that still have a dedication to Nathaniel Branden and burn them into oblivion." Nathaniel Branden was a covert irrationalist operative who gained access into Ayn Rand's inner circle, and eventually, vagina during the late 50's and 60's. When asked for further comment Ubell snapped quickly, "We don't talk about Branden. He took advantage of the small scraps of irrational emotions Ayn still had in her. Let's just...let's just focus on the book.(sigh)"

"I think the appeal is that Atlas Shrugged is an enormously challenging book," says Leonard Peikoff. "The story is gripping. It's exciting. It's a mystery, as she(Rand) said, and people want to see how the mystery is resolved."

:::SPOILER::: It's ultimately resolved when the top minds of society abandon any concept of social responsibility and leave the less advantaged to perish in worldwide hellfire-damnation while the elite create a utopian capitalist paradise in which to live out the rest of their ideal days is perfect white harmony.

We at PLN are celebrating Ayn Rand's remarkable achievement as well! This year, every PLN employee gets 2 free paperback copies of the 50th anniversary Edition of Atlas Shrugged with all new cover-art that promises to contain more steely resolve and gripping symbolism than any other before it. After mandatorialy finishing the book each employee will then be required to submit a one and a half page report along with a signed statement that you got through all 1,168 pages. There will also be cake.


Friday, October 5, 2007

PLN - FASCISM GRIPS CHILE BY STORM! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Due to recent events it has become clear to the international community that the ghost of rabid communist dictator Salvador Allende still wisps through the streets of Chile. An activist Chilean judge has ordered the arrest of the wife of former respected dignitary Augusto Pinochet, and his 5 children. Also caught up in the far-left dragnet were 17 other Pinochet associates. Pinochet's wife and children were taken by rebel-caravan to the local stadium where they will await questioning. There are rumors that Mrs. Pinochet was taken to a secret military dungeon.

The judges "case" stems from the claims of many supporters of disgraced President Salvador Allende who was subject to a successful regime change when Pinochet democratically wrestled power away from him on Sept. 11th, 1973. Those wishing to see Chile sink again into the putrid depths of an all out communist pit of never ending economic and moral abysmallity have cleverly suggested that the Pinochets and their associates allegedly illegally hid 27 million dollars of public funds in American Bank accounts.

Astute analysts believe that the 27 million dollars was a trap set in motion by Allende on his way out the door. Dirk Allen Rector of the International Monetary Disbursement Bureau explains, "Allende basically planted these bank accounts on Pinochet in order to get back at him for successfully bringing an end to Chile's long nightmare of the Allende Presidency."

Chileans can feel their fragile democracy slipping away more and more by the second. "This is the REAL national nightmare. These leftists will start with the Pinochets and soon they'll be rounding up innocent people and shooting them in the streets. We need to stop this now! We need to root out these subversives!" says innocent Chilean businessman Bolivio Palacios. "They're making up these stories! Why would Pinochet put his money in an American bank? Pinochet had nothing to do with America!"

Guerrilla judge Judge Carlos Cerda said he ordered the arrests because of "solid indications that they had participated in the misuse of fiscal funds," during Pinochet's 1973-90 presidency. The judge fails to mention the millions upon possible billions Allende stole from Chile in the form of his radical communist policies.

Allende apologist and current Chilean President Michelle Bachelet said, "No one in Chile is above the law." Most observers admit that this could be a coded directive to the radical left wing of the Chilean military to start rounding up ALL Chileans who disagree with Bachelet's hard-line tactics.

Many had compared Pinochet to Myanmar's famous jailed hero Aung San Suu Kyi before his death as a political prisoner in 2006. Director of the Policy Alliance Institute Greg Allan Randal explains, "Pinochet and Suu Kyi are both heroic patriots who believed in freedom for all freedom-loving people. Both were placed under house arrest toward the end of their lives for devoting themselves to the fight against fascist regimes. And, both were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Now, Pinochet's family is carrying on his great legacy."

Looks like after we finish off Chavez the United States military might want to, once and for all, liberate Chile from the clutches of it's communist past.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

PLN - HILLARY UNVEILS SECRETIVE CUBAN STYLE HEALTH CARE PLAN - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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The bread is crisp, the cheese is melted. The pickles are thin, the mojo is flo-jo. Ham, pork, and the perfect layer of mustard. The Cuban style sandwich,The Cuban cigar, and Cuban U.S. run military prisons. Some things you just can't hate about Cuba. Then there's the Cuban health care system.

Ever since Michael Moore decided to take on the health insurance industry with his film "Sicko" liberals have been running around like a bunch of angry geese, snapping their beaks and hissing about their "plans" to nationalize America's unique pay to play health care system.

The plan which has received the most amount of attention, thanks to a liberal-run mainstream media with orders to ensure an easy victory for Hillary in '08, has been Sen. Clinton's. Her "Health Care" plan hark-ens back to the same plan she tried to force-feed the American people when she was first lady.

"Maybe if Hillary wasn't so busy trying to Leninize our children's health services," says Jim Forrester of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies, "her husband might never have been impeached...if you know what I mean...blow-jobs."

According to Hillary's estimates, her health care plan will cost $110 Billion dollars per year!? Figures like this have E. Ted Grainer of the United Defense Subcontractors Association stunned to near blindness. "Look around the world in which we live today. You've got huge swatches of non-democratic countries all over the globe. Think of how much Democracy you could spread with $110 Billion dollars. She just wants to use it for band aids and crap?"

Unfortunately all health care experts are saying that Hillary comes across more like Nurse Ratched than Susan B. Anthony.

Clinton made her broken record record for repeated lies when she ironically proclaimed that her health care plan would not be government run, but would somehow extend health care giveaways to 47 million Americans who now CLAIM to be without health care.

Forrester points out, "This is clearly an extension of what she tried to do during her husband's wicked administration and failed to: a complete Chino-Cuban takeover of America's sacred free-market system."

A bullet-point run through of Clinton's plan reveals her true leanings:

- She demands that businesses force health insurance on their employees.

- She promised to raise taxes on the rich, essentially making their lives more unhealthy so that those who've chosen a less fortunate path can live out their luckless lives for that many more painful years or months, usually days.

- She coined a new phrase as the centerpiece of her campaign, "individual mandate" which is a leftist codeword for, "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Although Clinton emphatically catapults the assertion that her plan will not be Government-run, she makes no mention of WHO exactly WILL run the health care system she's envisioned. What Clinton fails to illustrate, PLN's own investigative reporter Fred Mendel has uncovered as something we're not going to believe.

"You're not going to BELIEVE this!" shouts Mendel. "Based on recently released secret documents, Hillary actually plans to funnel money for her so called health care plan through a front group run by the very same world-wide satanic lesbian cult that pulls her strings from behind closed doors: The Sisterhood."

This document was released to the public by the non-profit National Security Defense Archive in conjunction with the new book titled The Hillary File: A Declassified Dossier of Mendacity and Culpability. Here is the definitive proof, as written out on a bar napkin in Hillary's own handwriting:

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Note the sloppy wine stains.

Mendel points out the full litany of facts in his new hour-long special "You're STILL Not Going To Believe This!!" which will air tonight at 8pm, then repeated at 10pm and various times throughout the night ONLY on PLN.

Mendel will take us on a behind the scenes tour of the underground cult which claims it has, "as many members as their are women." Many experts have called "The Sisterhood" a real life version of "Skull and Bones", the cult which George W. Bush was never truly identified as a being a member of. Mendel will take us across the globe to places where "The Sisterhood" is gaining strength like:

England:
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France:

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and South America:

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He'll even show us rare photos from Hillary's bizarre initiation ceremony:

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Mendel will explore the unique interlinking edicts that make up the Global Sisterhood Movement. "Each member of the Sisterhood believes in the destruction of capitalism, rule of women for women and only women, and they all share the desire to eliminate males of all genders through various subtle extermination tactics."

The special will surely point out that being a part of The Sisterhood is far more than simply mailing your "special pants" to girlfriends all across the globe, and far more dangerous.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

PLN - PATRIOTIC WHALES TAKE ONE FOR NATIONAL SECURITY - PRIME TOP STORY!!


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A federal appeals court panel ruled in favor of National Security recently by allowing the U.S. Navy to conduct necessary, high powered sonar exercises off the coast of Southern California. The swift, logical reversal of an activist judge's order to ban the practice has prompted liberal subversionists to try and halt the protection of innocent American lives in the name of environmentalism.


The National Resource Defense Council, a sister group of the ACLU and Klu Klux Klan, has all ready filed a borderline-terrorist lawsuit to halt the use of a defense sonar which has currently been patented by the U.S. Armed Forces under the name of "Freedom Waves". The NRDC claims that the sonar, which lobs underwater sound bursts, is so loud that it actually kills whales.


Patriotic 9th Circuit Court of Appeals judge Andrew Klienfeld spoke for the majority of Americans stating, "The public does have a very considerable interest in preserving...relatively scarce whales." However, he explained his support for the sonar tests stating, "We are engaged in a war in two countries."


What many so-called environmentalists fail to point out is fact that whales have sonars of their own which can give the Navy sonars a run for their money. In fact, many see the underwater sonar tests as a form of instant karma for whales. Naval engineer Thomas Gordon explains, "Whales f**k with our sonars ALL THE TIME. You have no idea what it's like being involved in a high stakes National Security sonar drill and you can't hear anything because a couple of whales are talking about some useless bulls**t."


Experts in all fields are advising Americans, who are more concerned with fighting 9-11 than sucking up to some over-sized fish, not to take all their anger out on the whales. Based on careful consideration their anger should be directed toward groups like the NRDC and it's co-horts like Code-Pink and the Esalen Institute. Frustrated citizen Al Paulo shakes his head and mourns, "We know it isn't the whales who are undermining National Security, but you can't help but get mad at them just the same." Paulo then proceeded to throw his hat on the ground and kick it twice.


PLN's own ecological expert Fran Barlson gives a more level headed explanation of why the whales actually BENEFIT from high powered sonar testing, "If it's in the best interest of American National Security, it's in the best interests of whale security. America is the only country that would ever allow groups like the NRDC and Greenpeace to exist. If this world were suffering under global fundamental Islamic rule, as most liberals would have it, whales would be used from baleen to blowhole for every atom of every ounce of sweet whale fat, meat, and bone to keep the savage roving tribes warm for one more hedonistic night. Any whales that die from these sonar tests? Heroes."


In the light of all that evidence, the NRDC still vows to expend all their energy to see to it that Osama Bin Laden and Al-Qaeda in Iraq have a free and easy ocean pathway to American shores by coining fancy whale-death buzzwords like "acoustic trauma" and "mass strandings".


Barlson retorts, "If they're expecting to see dead whales crowd the shores like zombie-Grunion, that's just not going to happen. Not that they wouldn't love it if it did. Everybody knows that nothing makes an environmentalist feel more self satisfied than a bunch of dead whales."

PLN - BIN LADEN, OLDER - PRIME TOP STORY!!


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Everyone on the street wants to know: Have you seen the video? What was he wearing? Is he still mad at us? And, ultimately: Can Bin Laden make a comeback, or is too late?

Bin Laden and his agent aren't the only ones pulling for a comeback this year. The whole Muslim world, tired of Muqtada Al Sadr's stale jams and jacked up teeth, are clamoring for someone to step in and say, "Here I am. Now is the moment. I'm ready for my close up."

With a new video and companion audio recording Bin Laden feels like it's really HIS time again. His last video was released in 2004 and his most recent audio single was cut in June 2006.

Many in the industry were worried that Bin Laden would never record again, but now it looks like these new tracks are a promise of things to come. Critics are calling Bin Laden's most recent work reminiscent of George Micheal's comeback attempt with the album "Older", released in 1996. He's got a new look, a softer message, and it's very much crafted, understated, and ultimately unsatisfying.

In the video Bin Laden calls for young Muslims to follow his example which shows he's keen on the attracting the youth audience which is so important for mainstream, world-wide success. In an earlier video, which many believe he released as a trailer for the new recording, Bin Laden urged Americans to convert to Islam, and proceeded to mock American ways of life including: Capitalism, Democracy, and financial and military assistance to countries who stay in line.

"This video isn't simply an appeal to his rabid Muslim base in the Middle East. It's a call to all the supporters of Bin Laden in white countries like Great Britain, America, and in some cases Australia. It's a call to all the Tim Robbins's and the Warren Beatty's to get their far left flocks in line to subvert the American system of freedom and security," notes PLN National Security Adviser Kern Smith.

Lately, Bin Laden has been marginalized by the sympathetic liberal media. Many have called him a merely "symbolic figure", a "patsy", and "so yesterday". Even George W. Bush himself said he, "wasn't that concerned with him." PLN's Cultural Affairs reporter Harvey Lortz sums up his predicament, "It got old. He need to take a break, change his look, spend a little more time with his Kabbalah or whatever. You'll notice his new beard is getting rave reviews. Laden's obviously saying, "Look at me. I may be hooked up a dialysis machine in a cave somewhere, but you know something, no little gray hair's gonna give me the blues."

The fact that Bin Laden didn't move much in the video has prompted some to ask questions about his health. Experts have commented that Bin Laden looks, "plugged in", a reference either to his dependency on dialysis machines or his widening influence on a growing number of angry Middle Easterners.

What a number of analysts find interesting about Bin Laden's latest PR blitz is the fact that he didn't release his product through his usual venue, Terrorist News Station Al-Jazerra, instead allowing his fans to download it straight from the internet through various Muslim related web pages like Youtube.

Only time will tell whether or not Bin Laden's got the goods to extend his run into his later years ala Kylie Minogue or if he will fade into obscurity like the Sandy Dennis, Gloria Estephan, or Selena(Seriously, what ever happened to her?).

Lortz points out the easiest way Bin Laden could put himself back on the map. "Turn yourself in. Look, The President still has at least two years left to find Bin Laden, so he should just turn himself in and use that momentum to do a little touring."

No matter if his popularity is up or down he's clearly the most popular Bin Laden, which is just how Bin Laden likes it. "If you go to Wikipedia and type in "Bin Laden" it doesn't exactly ask you if you meant Geoffrey Bin Laden," says Lortz. "Bin Laden has what psychologists call the "38th Child Syndrome". It's a deep need for approval which manifests itself in acting out violently towards innocent people such as Israel and it's supporters. This is clearly a guy who's in it to win it, stay on top, and at the same time destroy freedom as we know it."

Its just the right combination to make everybody ask: What WILL he do next?!

PLN - LIBERALS AFRAID OF HARMLESS LAZERS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Imagine the scenario: Angry illegal immigrants swarm the streets stealing jobs, raping freedoms, and leaving a trail of tall-can Modelos in their economically destructive path. It's something Buck Stillweather of the Alpha Division of the Arizona Minutemen sees everyday.

"Tell ya what," says Stillweather, "them crowd control gun rays is the sure-fire thing we need out here on the border! We need one of them GIANT border control death rays...gun ray, or whatever it is. Yeah, death ray."

Actually it's not really a "death ray" as Stillweather has been fooled by violent space operas like "Star Wars" into believing. Buck has simply allowed himself to be manipulated by propaganda giants like Hollywood liberal George Lucas and his pals Joseph Campbell and totalitarian Bill Moyers.

What Stillweather was referring to is America's patented Active Denial System(ADS), a 100 percent non-lethal, humane, and peaceful crowd control device developed by the Pentagon at a cost of $62 million dollars.

Nestled atop overly armored Humvees the Active Denial System omits a millimeter-thick ray that makes evil doers feel like they've been touched by an invisible beam, and that their skin is "on fire". As long as they're not holding any metal objects they should be just fine. The worst things that Active Denial Systems can do to a terroist include such uncommon reactions as burning, scarring, and blindness in varying degrees depending upon where the beam hits and how much metal you happen to be carrying at the time.

"I've always said, 'Feeling like your skin is on fire is better than your skin actually being on fire,'" mused a recently retired Secretary of Defense in response to criticism of the Active Denial System. "Besides, it's a millimeter wave! That's the smallest measurement on the ruler for Pete's sake."

Pentagon spokesperson W.S. Gainsworth pointed out the much celebrated fact that, "We've managed to pinpoint the happy median between psychological and physical torture. Essentially it's like a torture device, but without any of the actual torture."

Advanced Geneva conventionists will tell you that compared to what went on in Abu Ghraib, which wasn't actually torture, these crowd control rays will be like treating terrorists and dissenters to a gourmet meal followed by hot oil rub downs with all the trimmings.

Liberals, the ACLU, and a gang bang of Hollywood leftists have banded together to defend the rights of terrorists who target large crowds, anti-American demonstrators who undercut the Democratic way of life, and illegal Mexicans.

Because of the left's strong-arm influence on every aspect of American life, the Pentagon has postponed the use of Active Denial Systems thereby guaranteeing a marked decrease in the quality of life for freedom loving people throughout the world. Economists, attempting to make the most out of a defeatist situation, have suggested selling the ADS Humvees to Chile, Saudi Arabia, or some other country that actually has the balls to keep a crowd in it's place.

All senior and junior military analysts agree in conjunction with one another that America would have had the Iraq War wrapped up in a standard sized gift basket with enough time and man power to deal with the rapidly spreading "Venezuelan Problem" if only we'd used the Active Denial System from the get-go.

A top graduate of the prestigious School of the Americas points out, "America used ADS systems in the Panamanian War, only then they were 50 times stronger. You didn't see nobody complaining at that time. We cut houses right in half. I swear, it was like ants under a magnifying glass. See how easy that war was? And, that was in the 1980's! Good days, my friend."

It's only a matter of time before the far left in this country understands that we're cutting them a break. As Gainsworth astutely points out, "ADS makes sense. Someone who thinks they're on fire is a lot happier than someone with bullets inside of them. It's simple math." The best way for honorary Russians like Tim Robbins, Chevy Chase, and Whoopi Goldberg to understand the truth about ADS is to step up an take a shot for themselves.

Trust us: It only FEELS like it hurts.

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PLN - CHUPACABRA: ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET?

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Toys Of Terror
"I bought my child an Easy Bake Oven that almost melted his G*d damn face off!" cried concerned parent Dutch O'Neill in regard to a dangerous, slave assembled part of China's conspiracy to commit global genocide against the civilized capitalist world. All evidence points to the fact that China is attempting to wipe out an entire generation of American children with high levels of the multi-toxic lead paint with which it uses to make popular toys for sale in the United States and other freedom loving countries.

A massive recall has been issued for over 1 million Chinese made toys, worldwide, for a diverse variety of unmet safety standards including:

- Barbie clothes that melt into a noxious green goo when contacted by sunlight.

- Toy guns that fire potentially fatal, live rounds of ammunition.

&

- Face melting Easy Bake Ovens.

American consumers, sparked by a patriotic sense of activism have begun a boycott of Chinese products. Father of children Dutch O'Neill explains, "The first time it happened I thought, 'Well, it's slave labor, so I'll just let it slide.' The next two times I was like, 'No way!' Then after the sixth injury we decided to quit buying Chinese made toys."

Along with the health of an entire generation of children, American business faces catastrophic consequences as a result of China's unprovoked attack. Toy maker Mattel is reaping massive condemnation from unpatriotic citizens who blame America first when we're attacked by terrorists and foreigners. "They used toys like Bin Laden used air planes," a prime spokesperson for the State Department was quoted as saying. "Of course many are going to play politics as usual and support terrorists, but we know an act of war when we see one."

In response to the uncovering of their massive plot, the Chinese government went on the offensive by highlighting several "quality issues" they've had with American products entering their country. China claims it has found microscopic worms inside wooden packaging from the United States as well as "substandard vitamins" for "children".

Global export/import expert Joe Kral explained China's obviously insane state of desperation stating, "Look, the worms they found were microscopic which means they had to look pretty damn hard to even find them. Besides, microscopic worms aren't going to electrocute any children when they turn them on like so many of the Dora the Explorer lamps that were manufactured in China from mid 2006 to August 2007."

Many child psychologists fault China for turning so many of our beloved childhood icons into brightly colored messengers of death and injury. "I remember a time when Barbie Dolls weren't an instrument of global holocaust," recalls Agnes Rose, a lifelong collector of Mattel products. "Now, it seems like you can't buy anything for your children that doesn't poison, shock, or potentially asphyxiate them. I miss the good old days. F**k China."

As for the charge of "substandard vitamins", China may have even more explaining to do. Less than 8 percent of all Chinese herbal remedies sold over the Internet have proven to produce the desired pheremonal results advertised. "They've been ripping us off in vitamins for years," recalls Del Smith who runs GongwatchUSA.com, a non profit organization committed to rooting out acts of Chinese retail terrorism. "This whole toy thing is going to rip the covers off one of the biggest threats to our Earth's population ever: trade with China. It goes deeper than anyone can even imagine. From Rhino Horn cut with chalk powder to Ginseng containing less than half it's marketed potency levels, the Chinese should be the last to complain about lackluster nutritional supplements."

Even online conspiracy theorists have had their crack at the China story. One eager youngster who blogs under the name of "Gregor" made an interesting case in regard to China's sad history of economic terrorism stating emphatically, "I have conclusive proof that the blood thirsty Chupacabra of Mexico is most likely a rat so horribly mutated by the deplorable conditions on Chinese shipping boats they ate the crew, steered the ship toward land, and grounded in Mexico where they've continued to rampage-bloody up to this very day."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketChinacabra: Simulated Depiction

Many are saying that the solution to this problem is not to cut off trade with China, but for China to either lower their prices significantly over the next few years and months or face possible consequences. With unanimous, across the board support of a world community torn apart by Chinese products America had considered using military force, but has settled on a more diplomatic option.

"If China perhaps were to forgive the 321 billion dollars we owe them in debt," observes an unnamed State Department official, "maybe we'll look the other way."

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Katie Davis, near collapse, pays a steep price for her love of toys.

PLN - STRENGTH THROUGH ACTUAL STRENGTH - PRIME TOP STORY


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"When I first saw the pictures I went like, 'Oh My God!' (sigh)", was fifteen year old Kaitlynn Dryer's reaction when she opened up her copy of Teen Weekly to be confronted with topless pictures of stern, supple Russian leader Vladimir Putin.


Putin was photographed on a vacation in the Siberian mountains with Prince Albert II of Monaco. The shoot took a turn for the manly, as shirts were abandoned and it became something of a "coming out" for Putin as a model of Aryan perfection.


The pictures of the fishing trip, however, were just the beginning. Next week the 2008 Vladamir Putin calendar goes on mandatory sale in Russia. Everyone will be lining up to buy them tomorrow because they simply have to, by law.


The calendar promises to be a departure for Putin. In addition to more fishing shots there will also be stills of:


- Putin as a firefighter


- Putin as an open-collard pirate


- Putin the topless chemist


Other outfits and locations are being placed under heavy secrecy, but there's talk of possible "Farmer Putin", "Zorro Putin", and "Putin the American Police Officer" photos as well. The information was released on the internet, but the Russian sources have been declared missing as of 20 minutes after posting the breaking news.


As a bonus feature each section of the Putin 2008 calendar can be torn out and placed easily into any locker, cubicle, or auto repair shop.


With Putin so hot, out there, and easily accessible he's really taking the ex-KGB strongman vibe to a whole new level. This month Putin might end up being on more magazine covers than Brittany, Paris, and Nicole Richie combined. Putin's Men's Health magazine cover story will coincide with a Time Magazine cover story about his possible role in the murders of several well known dissidents most notably Russian spy, and former lover to George Soros, Alexander Litvinenko and nosy unembedded reporter Anna Politkovskaya.


Some paranoid over-observers believe that Putin's show of physical strength is actually a symbolic presentation of political power. Putin's critics say his latest round of super hot pictures show a defiant Putin, not ready to step down from power as he's set to do next year. His critics also go so far as to accuse Putin of having both Politkovskaya and Litvinenko murdered because they were critical of his administration.


A spokesperson for the Putin administration shrugged off the obviously slanderous accusations stating, "It's false! Anyone who knows anything about cloak and dagger operations which are used to silence overzealous traitors knows that Putin would never have enough time to build firm, solid chest muscles and plot covert murder at the same time. Let alone with the time he must spend on his upper arms!"


Putin's supporters see the backlash against their leader's stellar photo shoot as more an issue of jealousy than political concern. "People are coming up with all these rumors, stories, and fictions to try and discredit Putin, for what? They are jealous. They are jealous of Putin's physical prowess, evenhanded leadership, and vein laid-en forearms. They are trying to bring down this gorgeous man so adored by pre-pubescent girls and people the world over."


As for high school student Kaitlynn Dryer, she's made up her mind. "Putin's hot. I think he should be leader of the whole world. I'd totally vote for him."


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PLN - FRANCE ECLAIRS WAR ON IRAN! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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In an act of blockbuster diplomacy France's brave new President Nicolas Sarkozy called for swift, unilateral, and/or nuclear military action against the terrorist nation of Iran. Out of evolutionary cowardice, however, the clearly French President didn't say whether or not his country would participate in such an imminent, morally justified action.


American patriots are breathing a sigh of relief as Sarkozy turns out to be a Frenchy they can finally deal with. Earl Hutcherson calls it like it is from his front porch saying, "Chir-ac was just one of them bad apples. If we can get a couple more Sarkozys in Congress and Latin America we might end up living in a peaceful world after all."


Senior Pentagon spokesperson Ed Randal took the level headed position in his assessment of a possible war against Iran stating, "Iran is almost ALL radical Islamics...Islamis. You know what I mean. There are zero Iranian civilians left who aren't rabid extremists in the mold of Bin Laden, Moussaoui, and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez."


Foreign policy experts called everyone they know and love inside Iran and have told them to get out after Sarkozy took his bold stand. "Right now Iran is wringing yellow liquid out of it's socks," continues Hutcherson, "If the French want your ass on a plate, you KNOW you must have done something wrong. Anyone with electricity will tell you that a French green light basically gives the United States the "Go Ahead!" it demands to launch a full scale blitz on the whole of Iran."


A recently retired Secretary of Defense stated in regard to the issue, "Getting France on board is like having the U.N., Butros Gali, and the whole Dali Lama crowd all in one. Bombs away."


Some are saying that Sarkozy's "rhetoric" comes from "out of the bleu", and have gone so crazy as to criticize Sarkozy for his strength and resolve in the face of a sure-fire Islamotastrophe.


As Sarkozy made his historic remarks his popularity amongst the people of France has soared to heights of 60%-70% approval.


President Bush weighed in on Sarkozy's grand testimony profoundly stating, "This guy...sorry. Fella. This fella, Sarkozy, is a fella committed to something that I think is...um...very...worth while, uh, and that's Middle East peace process. Which of course is, uh, can only be achieved by rooting out all Al Qaeda terrorists like Zarqawi and 9-11."


Sarkozy even went the extra mile to suggest that France might actually end up being "OK" with the war in Iraq if America cleans Iran's clock in an orderly fashion.


While still a stubborn believer in so called "global warming", Sarkozy seems to have taken an even and honest approach toward every other issue.


Looks like we might finally be able to meet our old friends half way with the reinstatement of "French Freedom Fries."

PLN READER CORRECTION CORRECTIONS

PLN READER COMMENTS ON CHAVEZ BULLETIN "ERRORS"


Problems with your bulletin



A) In the past 7 years Hugo Chavez has won 10 free and fair democratic elections



PLN says: If Hugo Chavez is such a big election winner, why does he want to do away with elections? Seems he'd want to have more if he's 7 for 10, as you say he is.



B) In 2001 Camorna came to power in a milatary Coup De Ta where they kidnapped Chavez - CAMORNA HAS NEVER WON AN ELECTION IN VENEZUELA



PLN: He may never have won an "election" in Venezuela, but he won the hearts of the people.



C) This coup was backed by the true tyrants of freedom in central America the United States of America



PLN: Wow. Maybe there are a few freedom haters in Central America, but come on. North America is Freedom Central, everybody knows that.



D) Chavez is a socialist he taxes the riches and gives better amenities to the poor - the complete opposite of Pinochet who was again supported by USA



PLN: Chavez is a communist. He taxes the rich, and fattens up the poor so he can eat them later. All communists have been proven evil by natural laws, scientists, theologians, and special interest groups. As for Pinochet, his only problem was not expanding Operation Condor into Venezuela to root out Chavez in his teens.



E) Under Chavez Venezuela has been involved in ZERO military conflicts



PLN: But he refused to send troops to Iraq, so in that way he's supporting terrorism.



F) The only opposition to Chavez is the rich who suffer from higher taxes and American oil corporations who were kicked out when he nationalized the oil industry.



PLN: You forgot to mention the civilized world.



G) Venezuela, if you had ever bothered to go, has complete freedom of speech. One section of the media calls him a Nazi another a Communist the others a national hero.



PLN: At least some of the Venezuelan media are allowed to tell the truth. Hopefully they can keep their identities under wraps, therefore live another month.



---- one piece of advice by so troubled propagandist never believe what the American government spews up on fox news and always check allegations with genuine evidence; the rich control the media the poor control the elected government -------
PEACE



PLN: ----But, the rich also control the poor, so where does that leave you? Please keep making Prime Legitimate News your ONLY source for even and honest news, all the time!
PEACE, at what price?
The PLN News Team

PLN - SEN. CRAIG FRAMED BY VERY GAY COPS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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This sort of thing happens all the time and it often sweeps up members of the highest echelon of society. Gay cops, prowling for man-sex in public places, accidentally hit on a prominent law-abiding member of society thereby setting off a chain reaction that alters legitimate lives in rather unfortunate ways. The pervert cops panic when confronted by a well respected law maker. Not wanting to be caught and fired for hitting on strange men, they orchestrate an elaborate plot to turn the tables on the very person they've all ready victimized. Confusing? That's just how these criminal police officers want it to seem.


It all happened like this: Idaho Senator Larry Craig was in the airport making his daily check on National Security in a post 9-11 world when he suddenly needed to take a sit-down piss. When Craig entered the random airport bathroom he saw this cop with a HUGE mustache staring at him from an adjacent stall as though he were one of those "types". Craig chose the stall next to the shifty character in order to monitor his actions. They were, after all, inside an airport in a post 9-11 world.


As Congressman Craig began to feel watched by the perpetrator he became nervous thereby increasing the width of his stance which is the scientifically proven instinctual behavior of all primates in peril. The gay cop then tried to turn an innocent man's right to personal space into a game of "footsie". This is when Senator Craig lost control. He knew he either had to bolt fast, or risk fatally subduing this airport pervert with a judo throw into the bathroom mirrors.


The disgraced officer in the stall next to him panicked when confronted by Craig's swift resolve. Feeling trapped he decided to turn the tables and scare Craig, who was ready to throw down, by showing him his police officer business card.


"These guys thought, 'Holy crap, this man's a senator. He'll bust us for sure. Let's make it look like we're arresting him!'" observes PLN crime psychologist Philip Rice.


The officer put up an amazingly professional front calling the situation an "undercover investigation" when confronted with Craig's true identity of a crime fighting lawmaker, which Craig revealed in pitch perfect Dirty Harry fashion as he took out one of his own congressional business cards and said through gritted teeth, "What do you think about that?"


Rice explains, "This cop tried to say, 'Look, I'm a cop too. Don't get me in trouble.' When he saw that Senator Craig wasn't going to take no guff, that's when the real trouble began."


At first Craig tried to let the crooked cops off the hook stating that the whole thing was just a, "he said/he said misunderstanding." When the officers attempted to make a criminal out of Craig, he stopped being Mr. Nice Guy. In a fit of rage Senator Craig accidentally pled guilty to "lewd conduct" which he explained stating, "When I said 'guilty', I thought we were talking about those cops. They were in it to get me one way or another from the second I entered that bathroom. Everybody knows that."


Everybody who's not inundated by the slanderous liberal media might know the truth, but if you were to take their story word for word you'd think that Senator Craig had donkey-punched 8 blind boy-scouts in a burning shack. All experts agree that the liberals saw Larry Craig as a top Presidential contender in 2012, as well as a possible Vice Presidential nominee if Mitt Romney were to win the Republican nomination for President in 2008. He needed to be brought down, and slander was the only way they could do it. Many see this as a possible set up by Hillary Clinton's covert "Secret Police" as revenge for Senator Craig's scathing indictment of sex fiend Bill Clinton's White House miscumduct.


Senator Craig might have to put his future political prospects on hold for the time being so he can, aside from spending more time with his family, bring down the renegade homosexual fringe of law enforcement so hell bent on misusing their powers and American tax dollars to spread the Gay Agenda.


The guilty officers also managed to extort $575 from Craig in the form of so called "fines" and "fees". Craig will also be put under a year long probation which many have called "legalized stalking". Legal analysts are saying, "These sado-fascist cops can basically call up Craig anytime they want to "check" on him. They've basically made a sex slave of this man for 365 days. If he wasn't gay before..."

PLN - PLN KNOWZ WHERE DA PARTY AT, BRATCH - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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West Virginia University won the top spot in this year's Princeton Review annual list of the top 20 party schools. WVU is celebrating the 7th time in the last 15 years that the school's been voted into the top 20.


Student Ashley "Smash" Jenkins explains the reasons why, "Whatever you want is here. Every scene, it's all here, every night. Who are you with?"


When I told her I was with PLN she seemed impressed, but I could tell she hadn't seen me on TV yet. I gave her my personal Myspace. I'm sure she'll check it out. It's all about being in the right place at the right time.


Putting this year's contest into perspective one celebratory student who goes by the name of "Gornt" stated, "This is huuuuuuuge! We haven't been number one since 1997!" Last year WVU took bronze as the University of Austin, TX won the gold. Austin University student Darrin "Force" Bittner mourned loudly, "I can't believe we lost to those pussies!" He then broke down into tears, "We did so much last year. So much."


Of course the incoming WVU Dean had to put up a professional front stating, "I'm sure the students have important issues on their minds like the excellent year they have ahead of them and their futures in the gl--," The new Dean was interrupted as a flaming brick crashed through his office window. After stomping out the quickly spreading flames his veneer broke a bit. "Jesus! Have you had a chance to talk to last year's Dean? Yeah, cause he can't talk anymore. These kids took the piss completely out of him. What happened to that man, his family, daughters...pets...stock portfolio. The students left nothing of that man."


When I asked for further proof of lower standards for student behavior the Dean produced a picture:


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"It's what young people call a beer bong. The problem is that this was built by our top engineering student. It was his thesis. If this is the future of America, I'm moving to Iraq."


I had to leave the Dean's office. He was starting to bum me out, and besides I had a meeting with "Smash" in order to further discuss some school stuff. She led me into her dorm room which was decorated by what seemed like the thousands of Mardi Gras beads she's accumulated during her first 3 months of attendance at WVU.


"I go to class when I feel like it cause it's totally chill here. Most of the god damn teachers are so f**king wasted off their asses anyways, you know like...(breaks into laughter) (snorts) I can't believe I just did that! (snorts again) Holy shit!"


She went on to share some of the copyrighted WVU party practices which helped win them the gold this year including:


- Rohypnol Parties: Wild parties in which admission is granted only after each person has ingested at least 2 doses of the popular recreational drug.


- Mascot Sexual Humiliation: In which a rival mascot is kidnapped, photographed and videotaped in several sexually compromising situations. A MySpace is then created to showcase the images and videos.


- Condom Swapping: No student seems willing to answer questions about this one, offering only the advice that I should, "Try it, for serious."


I was able to catch up with the only member of the Campus Christian Club in order to get his take on the WVU experience. He was glad to talk to someone. "The only reason you're talking to me now is cause I registered for that club on the first day of school. Right when I did that I was hooded and driven to this house. I've been chained to this refrigerator for 32 days. I'm relieved someone found me."

PLN refused to release the student, not wanting to interfere with centuries-old fraternal practices. He was found 2 days later buried in the Dean's back yard. The Dean couldn't help but complain about it, "The pranks at this school have gone from ludicrous to capitally criminal. I demand a stop to this barbarism!"


Back at the dorm Smash took a hit off her mardi gras bead covered bong and exhaled while saying, "Whatevers. The Dean's got a bug way up his ass. That Jesus dude was asking for it. I hear they don't even snort coke."


The records are published in the 2008 edition of "The Best 366 Colleges" based on a wide ranging survey taken during the 2006-2007 school year.

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Special thanks to Smash.

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PLN - IRAQI PM TAKES BLAME FOR IRAQ WAR - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Iraqi PM Takes Blame For Iraq War

With all the heat and condemnation being heaped upon him by the world community, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has decided to take full responsibility for the catastrophe that is the war in Iraq.

Even by liberal standards al-Maliki has let down his people, the American people, and Democracy itself by not taking hold of the victory baton in the global relay race that is the War on Terror. In fact, the only people al-Maliki seems to be serving are the insurgents whom he lets run wildly through the streets like so many Spanish bulls.

Historians are all quick to point out that Nouri al-Maliki is a divider, not a uniter, and therefore is not at all like President Bush. Unlike Bush, al-Maliki has failed miserably in bringing about reconciliation between his country's political and ethnic factions. Iraqi Democracy expert Dave Peterson points it out clearly stating, "If President Bush had found a man more in his image to take power in Iraq, we wouldn't have all these problems today."

Amongst his many problems, half of al-Maliki's cabinet refuse to attend meetings. Half of the half that refuse to show up have resigned while the remaining quarter simply don't want to be in the same room together. One outside observer pointed out, "The half of his cabinet that does show up?...It's the shi**y half."

Even embattled Vice President Dick Cheney has predicted that the al-Maliki government is, "in it's last throes" which could mean he'll still be in power for years to come. Meanwhile, many have compared al-Maliki to such huge leadership failures as Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton if she were ever to be put in such a position in real-life politics.

The Iraqi Parliament will take up the matter of al-Maliki's removal when it comes back from it's summer break in November.

A majority of fair minded analysts are demanding that al-Maliki be replaced by Eyad Allawi who many will remember from his brief but stellar role as interim Iraqi Prime Minister. After Allawi paves the way for Ahmed Chalabi to become Iraq's next democratically elected leader, Iraq should be stable enough for the United States and it's massive coalition to begin a slow withdrawal of contractors, followed by the consideration of limited troop withdrawal.

Only then can someone on the Iraqi side earn the right to stand on one of their own air craft carriers and proclaim in what ever language they speak, "Mission Accomplished."

PLN - CHAVEZ BECOMES NEXT HITLER! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Ready, Set, Hitler!

Unpredictable and dangerous Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has taken one final political step before officially becoming the next Adolph Hitler. In an unprecedented move the Venezuelan "Congress", made up of mostly shamans, witch doctors, and tribal chiefs appointed by Chavez, has given approval to allow Chavez to rule with an iron-spiked fist of global oppression for the next 7 years to the rest of his life. It's up to the free world to decide which will come first.

Chavez, who undemocratically wrestled power away from Constitutionally appointed President Pedro Carmona in 2002, claims the lifting of his term limits received, "majority approval." Oppressed members of the opposition predict the reforms will allow Chavez to emulate his heroes like Pinochet, Castro, and Genghis Khan.

Most Venezuelans, hungry for Democracy and freedom, mourn the latest actions by the Chavez government. One desperate street roaming vagrant screamed out, "With these new policies the true leader of Venezuela may never take his rightful place as President of our impoverished country! Long live Carmona!!"

Carmona, who replaced Chavez as President until some of the more cocaine-crazed members of Chavez's military restored their narco-terrorist leader back to power, was the author of the revolutionary "Carmona Decree". The Carmona Decree, had it been enacted, would have permanently rid the Western Hemisphere of Soros-funded, socialist dictators bent on attacking America.

The winds of change are truly blowing through the streets of Venezuela as the people begin organizing marches against the Chavez government, demanding Carmona's return to power. Public perception of Chavez turned sour when he used his rapidly expanding Presidential power to shut down an innocent TV news station whose only crime was standing up for democracy in a post 9-11 world.

PLN tyranny expert Ted Christie points out the obvious saying, "Imagine if America had a strong arm socialist like Al Gore as President and he shut down PLN. He just walks right into the Prime Legitimate News building and pulls the plug. All 28 stories go dark. Americans would riot in the m**her fu*king streets."

One of the few shirt-wearing members of the Venezuelan assembly, Ismael Garcia, argued that all political points of view must be represented in Venezuela. No word yet on whether Garcia will receive a stadium execution.

For the Venezuelan people there is only quiet hope. The most optimistic rumors place Carmona living amongst Venezuelan exiles in Miami, but as everyone suffering under Chavez's sadistic repression knows, he could very well be withering away in one of Venezuela's many state-run death camps.

No matter where he is, on the streets of Venezuela you can be sure of one thing. If you're very quiet you can hear the people's hearts crying out into the night, "Carmona."

PLN - LIGHTS OUT FOR PALESTINIAN TERRORISTS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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The Anti-Surge

The Palestinian citizens of Gaza had the festive opportunity to break out the candles and flashlights this week as their electricity had been shut off due to the actions of their terrorist government, Hamas. Responding to reports that Hamas has been siphoning off funds from aid shipments, the European electricity donors stopped all inflowing electro-aid.

"The message should be clear. Support terror, lose basic utilities," a European Union spokesperson said at press conference in Europe.

Residents of Gaza improvised playful games of musical houses, following the irregular power supply in order to charge their lap tops, cell phones, and dialysis machines.

The people who are truly reaping the benefits of this refreshing break from the norm are those who have electricity generators to sell. As one excited Gaza citizen told PLN, "If you have a generator, you basically own the goose that lays golden eggs. You are a king here. Your chances of scoring are higher than the 70% increase in the price of generators since last year."

The generator business is so brisk people like Mahmoud Zayyad, who owns a popular home supply shop gushed at the thought of all the profits to be gained stating, "We don't have enough generators. People need electricity. We need more generators!"

The lack of electricity goes to show Hamas that the civilized world will not deal with a terrorist government. The lesson here is: if you support terror, we will strike at the heart of your government by plunging it's people into prehistoric darkness.

A recently retired Secretary of Defense suggested that the Western world should take advantage of this unique opportunity saying, "Maybe while the lights are off, Israel can sneak in there and spruce the place up a bit."

Hamas has controlled the Israeli territorial portion of Gaza since it massacred Fatah forces there in June. The rabid terrorist group even went so far as to arrest the Fatah appointed electric company director on corruption charges, but the case doesn't hold water in the eyes of the national community since Gazan law demands that there needs to be at least one goat on the jury.

For now Gazans can enjoy the renewed appreciation for electricity that you can only feel when it's taken out of your life.

PLN - CANADA STARTS WORLD WAR III - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has recently completed a three day trip to the far North of the globe, and has pledged to spend billions of dollars(Canadian) in order to defend Canada's "national sovereignty" in the Arctic. All this grand standing comes one week after Russian submarines dropped a Russian flag on the floor of the Arctic Ocean.

All analysts agree that with tension running high in a freshly democratized Iraq, terrorists running wild in Afghanistan ever since the cut and runners started micro managing the War on Terror, and Iran being what it is, Canada should know better than to provoke Russia with unnecessary land grabs. Canada has even gone so far as to announce the construction of a massive underwater fort smack-dab in the middle this Arctic war-zone.

Meanwhile the Russians are defending the actions of the submarine crew stating, "Look, we may have dropped a flag. I think we may have also dropped some shirts and a couple of used magazines. The only things we're guilty of are loving sea exploration and littering. No more, perhaps less."

In order to quell any disputes America has sent in several teams of scientists, contractors, as well as private and public military personnel to the Arctic. The Americans will oversee the conflict as Canada, Russia, Venezuela, Norway, and long shot Denmark battle it out to gain control of the Arctic seabed that the U.S. Geological Society estimates contains as much as 25% of the world undiscovered oil and natural gas.

Spokesperson for the Canadian Prime Minister made a desperate effort to convince the world how much Canada had really loved "their" arctic seabed all along as he railed off a litany of liberal buzz words ranging from "environmental protection" to "resource based potential" and even playing the whole "national sovereignty" card. All the while Prime Minister Harper has begun what looks to be his own Blitzkrieg, increasing the size of his Arctic battleship fleet by 25% in order to eliminate all opposition.

A spokesperson for the US State Dept. asserts that, "Canada does not own the Arctic Northwest. These are neutral waters, and neutral waters are just that: neutral. These waters don't know who owns them. We, as Americans, simply want to make certain that which ever country ends up in complete control of the ice...shelf or whatever it is, is a stable Democracy."

Russians claim that because the ice shelf contains the Lomonosov ridge, a 1,240 mountain range extending from the Eurasian continent, that the land is theirs under international law. By that same logic the Bering Straight is part of Alaska therefore Russia is U.S. territory.

The reason for the sudden influx in interest in this spicy piece of real estate stems from one of the many hidden benefits of global warming. As global warming melts the Northwest Passage, sweet slices of oil-packed land become exposed. The rapid melting will also create a an attractive shipping route, a new Panama Canal of sorts, through which commercial ships can shave 2,480 miles of their trips from Europe to Asia.

Since America has had a hugely successful history as guardian of the Panama canal, it only seems natural that we oversee the New Alaskan canal as well. Heck, we might even make it our 51st state!

PLN - THE REAL NARCO-TERRORISTS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

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In a move that rivals the British tea tax of 1773, liberals in the rogue state of California have moved to increase the tax on popular flavored malt beverages like Zima, Smirnoff Ice, and Smirnoff Ice Triple Black from 20 cents a gallon to a whopping $3.30 per gallon! The idea is to punish the manufacturers of the drinks for supposedly marketing the beverages to children. The tax increase will take effect in July 2008.

Proponents of the move to more than double the tax on these zesty beverages believe that adding to the price of the drinks will discourage children from drinking alcohol.

"The overarching policy concern here was...under-aged drinking," says tax board chairwoman Betty Yee. Yee believes that the makers of refreshing beverages such as Zima and Smirnoff Ice have purposefully made it, "look like you're drinking something hip."

Head of Marketing for the Valencia Beverage Co. Ken R. Stevenson agrees, but doesn't see things exactly the same way. "If Mrs. Yee thinks that cracking open a bottle of one of our many flavored tickets to paradise is hip, she's right," he retorts, "I'm just not so sure that if something is hip it necessarily has to be for kids. Many of us would like to remain hip well into our drinking age."

In fact Stevenson sees the flavored malt beverages as being marketed more towards older drinkers. Most top level Mixologists agree, based on their intensive studies, that as one gets older and starts drinking more heavily in order to counteract the body's natural resistance to repeated substance exposure you're going to want to mix it up a little. As Stevenson puts it, "Flavored malt beverages are geared more toward older drinkers tired of the same old Schlitz."

He goes on to give some examples of "blasting refreshment sure to light up your nights" as proof:

- Zima A L'Orange: classic Zima refreshment with a triple blast of orange, pear, and Panax Ginseng from China.

- Ice Berry Zima: tastes just like eating berries in the North Pole while snowboarding over a polar bear's grave!

- Zimamegranate - an anti-oxidant packed Zima with natural pomegranate flavor, enhanced with 2CCs of Tahitian Goji Berry extract.

Zimig - fig flavored Zima.

Pinkleberry Zima - actually tastes like the color pink!

Swamp Zima: Shrek's Special Brew - a green tinted, apple flavored Zima inspired by the film Shrek.

- and one more flavor.

Valencia Beverage Co. warehouse manager G. Roy Galenz knows that the added tax won't do anything to deter under-aged drinking stating, "Kids like booze. They can't help it. It's kids. Look, this is just terrible. It's exactly like what the Nazis did except instead of people, it's drinks."

CA Tax Board Spokeswoman Anitia Gore(probably related) started to drool out the corners of her mouth as she tallied up the "serious ca-ching"(money), estimating that the new tax could bring in an extra $30-$40 million dollars a year. Most of the money will go towards fixing California's Gray Davis-ruined economy and will also partially be used to fund Hillary's failed 2008 Presidential campaign.

G. Roy Galenz steams and holds back a multitude of punches saying through clinched teeth, "We'll stop them. Come on, you don't mess with the booze business. Seriously, it's DOA. Just cause you take a beer and put some f**kin' fruits in it, don't make it no crime."

Hopefully, the people of California will see the light and begin throwing boxes, bottles, and water towers full of fruit flavored malt beverages into San Francisco bay and other local bodies of ocean water.

"Imagine if people saw the real danger," warns Stevenson, "This measure is only going to inspire more children to drink as many of these stimulating, effervescent alcoholic beverages as possible from now until July 2008, when you could very well expect a bloodbath."

It looks like the latest victims of liberal micro management are innocent, freedom loving, drinking age Californians. It leads many experts to ask, "Aside from Governor recalls, is there anything that state does RIGHT?"