Thursday, September 20, 2007


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In a move that rivals the British tea tax of 1773, liberals in the rogue state of California have moved to increase the tax on popular flavored malt beverages like Zima, Smirnoff Ice, and Smirnoff Ice Triple Black from 20 cents a gallon to a whopping $3.30 per gallon! The idea is to punish the manufacturers of the drinks for supposedly marketing the beverages to children. The tax increase will take effect in July 2008.

Proponents of the move to more than double the tax on these zesty beverages believe that adding to the price of the drinks will discourage children from drinking alcohol.

"The overarching policy concern here was...under-aged drinking," says tax board chairwoman Betty Yee. Yee believes that the makers of refreshing beverages such as Zima and Smirnoff Ice have purposefully made it, "look like you're drinking something hip."

Head of Marketing for the Valencia Beverage Co. Ken R. Stevenson agrees, but doesn't see things exactly the same way. "If Mrs. Yee thinks that cracking open a bottle of one of our many flavored tickets to paradise is hip, she's right," he retorts, "I'm just not so sure that if something is hip it necessarily has to be for kids. Many of us would like to remain hip well into our drinking age."

In fact Stevenson sees the flavored malt beverages as being marketed more towards older drinkers. Most top level Mixologists agree, based on their intensive studies, that as one gets older and starts drinking more heavily in order to counteract the body's natural resistance to repeated substance exposure you're going to want to mix it up a little. As Stevenson puts it, "Flavored malt beverages are geared more toward older drinkers tired of the same old Schlitz."

He goes on to give some examples of "blasting refreshment sure to light up your nights" as proof:

- Zima A L'Orange: classic Zima refreshment with a triple blast of orange, pear, and Panax Ginseng from China.

- Ice Berry Zima: tastes just like eating berries in the North Pole while snowboarding over a polar bear's grave!

- Zimamegranate - an anti-oxidant packed Zima with natural pomegranate flavor, enhanced with 2CCs of Tahitian Goji Berry extract.

Zimig - fig flavored Zima.

Pinkleberry Zima - actually tastes like the color pink!

Swamp Zima: Shrek's Special Brew - a green tinted, apple flavored Zima inspired by the film Shrek.

- and one more flavor.

Valencia Beverage Co. warehouse manager G. Roy Galenz knows that the added tax won't do anything to deter under-aged drinking stating, "Kids like booze. They can't help it. It's kids. Look, this is just terrible. It's exactly like what the Nazis did except instead of people, it's drinks."

CA Tax Board Spokeswoman Anitia Gore(probably related) started to drool out the corners of her mouth as she tallied up the "serious ca-ching"(money), estimating that the new tax could bring in an extra $30-$40 million dollars a year. Most of the money will go towards fixing California's Gray Davis-ruined economy and will also partially be used to fund Hillary's failed 2008 Presidential campaign.

G. Roy Galenz steams and holds back a multitude of punches saying through clinched teeth, "We'll stop them. Come on, you don't mess with the booze business. Seriously, it's DOA. Just cause you take a beer and put some f**kin' fruits in it, don't make it no crime."

Hopefully, the people of California will see the light and begin throwing boxes, bottles, and water towers full of fruit flavored malt beverages into San Francisco bay and other local bodies of ocean water.

"Imagine if people saw the real danger," warns Stevenson, "This measure is only going to inspire more children to drink as many of these stimulating, effervescent alcoholic beverages as possible from now until July 2008, when you could very well expect a bloodbath."

It looks like the latest victims of liberal micro management are innocent, freedom loving, drinking age Californians. It leads many experts to ask, "Aside from Governor recalls, is there anything that state does RIGHT?"

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