Tuesday, October 9, 2007


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Atlas Shrugged the perennial, best selling classic of indisputable virtue is celebrating it's 50Th Anniversary this month! Literature aficionados across the globe are taking note as this widely celebrated, best loved, under-rated novel of biblical proportions turns the big five-oh. Rand may be gone, but her philosophy of Objectivism lives on in her proud followers. Ayn Rand enthusiasts will mark the occasion with a world wide toast to the book everyone agrees was her greatest achievement.

"This is going to be our biggest celebration yet," notes Carl Ubell, avid Objectivist. "Ayn hated parties so we're still keeping things pretty low-key, but that doesn't mean there isn't lots of rational fun to be had."

Core Objectivists get together every year to celebrate Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, and Objectivism. Some of their annual traditions include:

- Making Ayn's favorite recipes, and eating some of them.

- Dressing like characters from her novels.

- They also pass around an angora sweater owned by Rand, which many claim still carries her distinct scent, and sniff it for prosperity.

However, not everyone is celebrating. If you look really hard you'll find a few members of civilized society critical of Ms. Rand's work. Mark Casper is one of them. He describes himself as a "recovering Randroid" whatever that means.

"Ayn Rand is basically L. Ron Hubbard without the space fantasies," mocks Casper, "They're both authors which attract a very specific, lonely fringe of male society looking for answers as to why no one truly understands them. It's a cult."

"As anyone who sends away the free postcard in the back of any and all Ayn Rand books to Objectivism HQ will soon find out Objectivism is far from a cult. It's just a new way of thinking. A new vision of perfect morality," says Ron Donaldson whose 5 children are named Dominique, Howard, Dagny, John G., and Kira after characters from Rand's books. When asked whether it's awkward that 4 of their children are named after characters that have had sex with each other he responds, "Um...no cause...it was good for the story."

Don't just take his word for it. Simply mail in the post card you find in the back of every Ayn Rand book with your full, real name and address in order to get the undiluted truth about Objectivism. ARI will send you awesome Objectivism offers, updates, and info about the Ayn Rand Institute's College Scholarship Essay contest. If you can describe Ayn's novels better than anyone else you'll win a marginally generous scholarship to attend a university, although many believe you're better off just taking classes at the Institute. As one graduate put it, "ARI won't brainwash you like those liberal dunk-dank universities."

"The essay contest is a useful tool for introducing passionate young minds to Ayn's works," says leader of Objectivism and Rand's longtime friend and intellectual heir, Leonard Peikoff. Peikoff isn't just the final hanger on, a lookout-lad promoted to Captain before the ship sinks, as it were. He's a worthy intellectual heir if there ever was one.

"His books were so good, nobody even bothered to buy them," notes the young Ayn Rand institute janitor. "Where Ayn's philosophy was easily palatable to even the most irrational of the enemy, Leonard's are vastly more complex and perfect. That's why they're collector's items. It's not just cause they went out of print."

While anyone with a rational atom in their body loves Atlas Shrugged, many complain about the length of the book which clocks in at an intimidating 1,168 pages. Objectivists are quick to dismiss criticism of any kind, let alone about the book's length.

"Atlas Shrugged may be long, but it's RIGHT. How can anyone get TOO much right? There are probably other books out there that are, what, like...300 pages long, I'm guessing. How many of those pages contain irrefutable facts? How many of those books will tell you how to be the ideal human being? You get so much more truth per page in Atlas Shrugged than in most of that Shakespeare stuff that nobody can understand, anyway. Those 1,168 pages BREEZE right by...if you're a rational human being. She's so not the Leni Riefenstahl of books."

Recovering Randroid Casper begs to differ suggesting, "If you have a table and one of it's legs are really, really, really f**ked up, you could use Atlas Shrugged to even it out."

In preparation for tonight's festivities Ubell has been setting aside a number of dog-eared Atlas Shrugged copies he says are for "The Sacrifice". "Every year we round up all the copies of Atlas Shrugged that still have a dedication to Nathaniel Branden and burn them into oblivion." Nathaniel Branden was a covert irrationalist operative who gained access into Ayn Rand's inner circle, and eventually, vagina during the late 50's and 60's. When asked for further comment Ubell snapped quickly, "We don't talk about Branden. He took advantage of the small scraps of irrational emotions Ayn still had in her. Let's just...let's just focus on the book.(sigh)"

"I think the appeal is that Atlas Shrugged is an enormously challenging book," says Leonard Peikoff. "The story is gripping. It's exciting. It's a mystery, as she(Rand) said, and people want to see how the mystery is resolved."

:::SPOILER::: It's ultimately resolved when the top minds of society abandon any concept of social responsibility and leave the less advantaged to perish in worldwide hellfire-damnation while the elite create a utopian capitalist paradise in which to live out the rest of their ideal days is perfect white harmony.

We at PLN are celebrating Ayn Rand's remarkable achievement as well! This year, every PLN employee gets 2 free paperback copies of the 50th anniversary Edition of Atlas Shrugged with all new cover-art that promises to contain more steely resolve and gripping symbolism than any other before it. After mandatorialy finishing the book each employee will then be required to submit a one and a half page report along with a signed statement that you got through all 1,168 pages. There will also be cake.

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