Friday, April 11, 2008



The foremost indisputable overseers of morality and human conduct, the Catholic Church, have extended their list of mortal sins in order to add SEVEN more! The Catholic home office in Italy faxed PLN the seven new sins. They are...

Environmental Pollution

Littering is no longer a petty offense, it's a one way ticket to hell!

Genetic Manipulation

What isn't evil about playing God? Look what happened to Frankenstein, Jack Kervorkian, and Uri Geller.

*A specific amendment was added to this sin at the last minute: If you eat genetically altered food, you go to purgatory for 8 years minimum.

Accumulating Excessive Wealth

In order to set a good example the Catholic Church will discontinue the acceptance of all cash donations.

Inflicting Poverty

Not that we don't love the impoverished. In order to take a stand against poverty the Catholic Church will staunchly continue it's fight against contraception and birth control because studies show the more people there are per household, the more incomes a family is likely to accrue.

Drug Trafficking and Consumption

This includes driving a keg from one house to another and/or consuming it's contents. Hell.

Morally Debatable Experiments

Like voting for a female President.

Violation of Fundamental Rights of Human Nature

This one ranges from stealing ice cream & looking at someone funny all the way to murder & medical malpractice. It's a wide ranging new sin that makes sure all the bases are covered, and you have NO DOUBT that hell awaits unless you are forgiven.

The list of new sins was unveiled by Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti who believes that by expanding the ways which a man can be judged to spend eternity in hell, the church is breeding a whole new generation of more sin free Catholics. As the paramount authority on all things decent, ethical, and pure, righteous, saintly, virtuous, and true, the Catholic Church has proven once again that all those who wrongly accuse priests of sexual misconduct with young boys have that much farther to go in order to be true to God.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Read some of today's modern sins and confess your own, anonymously at