PLN - DEMOCRATS MOVE TO HALT ANTI-TERRORISM - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Democrats Move To Halt Anti-Terrorism

Dutiful Attorney General of the United States Alberto Gonzales has come under fire for taking bold measures to protect the homeland in our post 9-11 world. Gonzales finally gave way under democratic political torture and admitted to using the essential Patriot Act to collect vital information on terrorists, anti-Americanists, and other radical elements of humanity. "This blows the cat right out of the bag," mourns Carl Abrams commissioner of the Tri-Lateral Bureau on Security Issues. "The more that heroes like Gonzales are forced by Democrats to divulge top secret anti-terror plans, the closer we come to a vast string of unimaginable terrorist attacks."

As the liberal media made a pinata out of Gonzales the congressional Democrats were trying to deport him from the Justice Department simply for doing his sworn duty to protect the constitution from eight activist, slacker attorneys by firing them outright for their flagrant violations of American codes of legal justice. Abrams backs up Gonzales' brave decision by pointing to the facts, "Make no mistake, these were horrible judges. Most of them probably didn't even know how to use a gavel. I hear two of them couldn't even pass a drug test."

White House spokesperson Daniel Bartlett came to Gonzales' defense calling him a, "stand up guy." Many say Gonzales proved that assertion by going on record apologizing for any truths he had to withhold from Congress in the past in order to protect innocent Americans from radical extremists hell bent on harming innocent Americans. Gonzales also went on to show a true sense of decency when he revealed that he kept most of the information regarding the eight fired judges secret because he was protecting the judges from further embarrassment by keeping secret how bad they were as judges.

Logic like this does nothing to extinguish the blazing liberal rage as Independent Congressman James Sensenbrenner took to threatening Gonzales' life by telling him he will, "die by a thousand cuts." Most political analysts have never seen rhetoric this vile. Sensenbrenner ends his tirade by demanding to hear "the truth". What some people are saying to folks like Sensenbrenner is, "You can't handle the truth!"* That truth being which would you rather Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defend: The Constitution or the American people?

* A reference to the famous line from "A Few Good Men" in which Jack Nicholson yells at Tom Cruise during the climax of the courtroom scene. We thought to use that well known line in an entirely different context.

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - PROMO

PLN - MISSED OPPORTUNITY - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Missed Opportunity

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and 20,000 of his most rabid, mange-stricken fans gave confirmation to the largest strategical blunder of the "War on Terror": Not invading Venezuela FIRST. A soccer stadium in Buenos Aires became the smutty arena where Chavez, cutting a Mussolini-esque figure, riled up his toothless Klan calling President Bush an, "imperialist"(which simply means "good businessman"), a "gringo"(which is like them using the "n"word, but against white people), and calling for Bush's assassination stating that he is a "political cadaver".

A distinct majority of war analysts concur that this is a problem George W. Bush could have easily avoided if he had only gone into Venezuela sooner. Head of the United Foundation for Regime Change Studies Albert Gregory takes a page out of history to teach us a little about the present. "Bush really should have taken a lesson from his father who invaded Panama. That tiny little war really helped Bush senior gain the strength and confidence he needed to go on and win his Iraq war." So many in the CIA are slapping them selves in the head and crying, "If only we had invaded Venezuela as a warm up war!" Henry Brook, vice principal of the School of the Americas, fears it may be too late. "It's the ultimate tragedy. Everybody knows this Chavez is the number one threat to civilized human beings. He's Hitler times 5, but because of 9-11 everybody forgot and decided to go after Bin Laden in Iraq. Well Chavez only got stronger."

In fact Bush's War on Terror has only been like Popeye's Spinach to Chavez, strengthening his influence over terrorist nations across the globe whom he bribes with cheap oil, cocaine, and free red paramilitary jackets with berets. "He's best friends with Castro for C**st's sake!" adds a recently retired Secretary of Defense. Chavez, who receives most of his funding from Venezuela's rich oil reserves and George Soros, has been beefing up his military and is currently in negotiations with Iran to share some of those nukes Iran's been making.

The most sensible policy ever offered came from former Republican presidential candidate and world renowned Christian leader Pat Robertson who stated simply and firmly, "I don't know about this whole doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really oughta go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

Sound "imperialist" thinking, Gringo. Perhaps it's time to make Chavez the political cadaver...literally.

PLN - GUILTY! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

GUILTY!

A stunning shockwave of events has rocked the same legal system that set O.J. free. A decision has been reached by the 11 member "jury", in the case about whether or not Scooter Libby got events mixed up while trying to expose the lies of Joe Wilson. We at Prime Legitimate News have sketched out the dramatic unfolding of events in our own PLN "Wilson Trial Time Line":

2002 - Joe Wilson and his wife Valerie Plame concoct a harebrained scheme to subvert the Bush Administration's war plans by creating false intelligence regarding Iraq's proven uranium purchase from Nigeria.

2003 - Joe Wilson writes a huge article combining elements of both slander and treason in order to undercut the security of our country and the morale of our troops in harms way during wartime. The article was so riddled with misinformation that the only newspaper which agreed to print it was the New York Times.

2003 - Rumors that Wilson and Plame are operatives with the Democratic party begin to float about.

2003 - Cheney meets with Scooter Libby and Jeff Gannon in order to discuss the Wilson problem . They conclude that Plame and Wilson are part of a vast network of Liberals in both the media and Congress. They also discover that Plame had a summer job with the CIA doing work on Weapons of Mass Destruction(WMD). Plame's involvement with WMD helps to explain why no WMD were found in Iraq.

2003 - Moving swiftly to expose the truth Libby, Dick Armitage, Cheney, and Karl Rove meet and greet with members of the mainstream media including: Robert Novak, Matt Cooper, Judy Miller, Jeff Gannon, Bob Woodward, and definitely Tim Russert in order to spread the word about the Wilson's treasonous behavior.

2003 - The Bush administration falls into Plame's trap as it is revealed she was a "undercover" agent with the CIA, a claim that has yet to be proven although it explains how she got secret clearance in order to help Saddam hide his WMD.

2003 - Just as the Wilsons had planned, Plame's name was printed in the mainstream media along with the information about her stint undercover.

2003-2007 - The predictable media onslaughter begins with certain outlets actually accusing the Bush Administration of "outing an undercover agent," a minor infraction like "drinking in public."

2003/2005 - Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, whom many call "the Al Bundy of law" starts a solid investigation of the matter, even throwing a few members of the media behind bars for not cracking their lids. (Note: This is where the tables turn.)

2005 - Imprisoned reporters set Fitzgerald's sights on the Bush Administration possibly tempting him with a future supreme court position.

2005 - Rove, Cheney, Gannon, Bush, Novak, Armitage, and Ari Fleischer are all pre-convicted in the media as having something to do with a "leak".

2005 - After several meetings with Fitzgerald all primary players are cleared of all wrong doing except Libby who had trouble articulating certain details of the tangled plot.

2005 - Rumors of Wilson's bias are confirmed as it is brought to light that he voted for none other than former swift boat veteran John Kerry.

2007 - After all is said and done the fall guy for the Wilsons turned out to be I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby who was 4/5 convicted of "not getting the facts straight".

Confused? So was the jury which is ground enough to declare that mistrial PLN predicted last week. The fate of I. Lewis Scooter Libby is now in the hands of the judge, a Regan appointee, unless of course Libby takes Fitzgerald's offer to co-operate and send the Wilson's to prison.

PLN - TRIAL OF THE CENTURY II - PRIME TOP STORY!!

TRIAL OF THE CENTURY II

Not since O.J. ran for his final touchdown has a trial so stunted the imaginations of the American people as this trial to end all trials: The Trial for Anna Nicole's Body. It couldn't have happened at a better time, when major news stories are scarce to come by.

With a world on the verge of peace we at PLN feel it germaine to extend our round the clock coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith: death, life, body trial, on through to the inevitable: funeral, DNA test-off, baby trial, exhumation, and any other subsequent points of interest including (but not limited to) the upcoming VH1 reality TV show "Prince of Nookie" starring Prince Frederic Von Anhult of Germany.

Considering there are no other significant trials to cover, PLN's own Rita Von Streusel will go sleepless for three days of televised court commentary. Rita describes the importance of even and honest trial coverage, "This is the American legal justice system at it's best. You've got competent attorneys, a guilty Howard K. Stern, and a judge who cuts through the theatrics and gets right down to what's important: Anna Nicole's money."

PLN - GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

A recent Associated Press analysis has shed light on the dark bottomless pit of burning cash that is the growing welfare state. The AP has discovered that nearly one in six people have their hands out, palm open for free drugs, food, and other luxury benefits the liberal Democrats trade in exchange for votes. Many top financial analysts on Wall Street credit the over taxed welfare system for the influx in unemployment, obesity, and single motherhood.

"Women actually get MORE benefits for being SINGLE mothers than MARRIED mothers!" Sam Reynolds of the Project For Disassociated Access points out. "This welfare system doesn't just need an overhaul. We've got to haul the whole thing with an under-haul, overhaul, side-haul, whatever. Just, get rid of it!"

Educated welfare critics now realize that the biggest perpetrators of welfare crime are "single mothers". They are lured away from the arms of caring men by the benefits offered by liberal Democrats and Clinton leftovers who refuse to cherish the sanctity of family values. Reynolds astutely observes, "The liberals use welfare like a dealer uses crack. They get the people hooked."

Wade Horn, the Bush administration's point man on welfare reform realizes this and adds, "The true goal of welfare reform should be self-sufficiency." Research has shown that once a person is self sufficient, that person no longer needs welfare.

Looks like welfare might as well not even exist.

PLN - SCRAPPY SOLDIERS CREATE MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Scrappy Soldiers Create Make Shift Hospital!

A heart warming expose by the New York post tells the story of a rag-tag group of go-getter wounded US soldiers who have banded together in order to convert a rickety old, rat infested, structurally unsound hotel into a fully functional, full service care and treatment facility for soldiers returning from the War on Terror.

One senior federal health inspector expressed amazement at the limitless power of human imagination asking, "Who would have thought to care for sick people in an environment like this? It's...extraordinary."

The atmosphere at the ol' Walt Reed Building is one of teamwork all the way. As one soldier puts it, "We've got soldiers tending to soldiers. The resources we need...they're just not here." Some left-wing detractors complained about the soldier's treatment facility saying that it's "shameful" and "the ultimate disrespect to the troops".

When asked to respond, the White House spokesman first said, "No comment". Then retracted the no comment by adding; "I don't know why the liberals are making this an issue. Our soldiers are used to these sorts of living conditions. Iraq has rats too you know. This is just another example of Democrats not believing in our troops' resolve...If anyone can handle this, it should be the world's bravest."

But, like a scene out of "Patch Adams", in which a hilarious doctor treats patients out of the kindness of his own heart, the troops keep hope alive. Hope that all you need to run a veteran's medical center is an abandoned building, some cots, and a dream.