PLN - THOU SHALT NOT WHAT?! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

The foremost indisputable overseers of morality and human conduct, the Catholic Church, have extended their list of mortal sins in order to add SEVEN more! The Catholic home office in Italy faxed PLN the seven new sins. They are...

Environmental Pollution

Littering is no longer a petty offense, it's a one way ticket to hell!

Genetic Manipulation

What isn't evil about playing God? Look what happened to Frankenstein, Jack Kervorkian, and Uri Geller.

*A specific amendment was added to this sin at the last minute: If you eat genetically altered food, you go to purgatory for 8 years minimum.

Accumulating Excessive Wealth

In order to set a good example the Catholic Church will discontinue the acceptance of all cash donations.

Inflicting Poverty

Not that we don't love the impoverished. In order to take a stand against poverty the Catholic Church will staunchly continue it's fight against contraception and birth control because studies show the more people there are per household, the more incomes a family is likely to accrue.

Drug Trafficking and Consumption

This includes driving a keg from one house to another and/or consuming it's contents. Hell.

Morally Debatable Experiments

Like voting for a female President.

Violation of Fundamental Rights of Human Nature

This one ranges from stealing ice cream & looking at someone funny all the way to murder & medical malpractice. It's a wide ranging new sin that makes sure all the bases are covered, and you have NO DOUBT that hell awaits unless you are forgiven.

The list of new sins was unveiled by Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti who believes that by expanding the ways which a man can be judged to spend eternity in hell, the church is breeding a whole new generation of more sin free Catholics. As the paramount authority on all things decent, ethical, and pure, righteous, saintly, virtuous, and true, the Catholic Church has proven once again that all those who wrongly accuse priests of sexual misconduct with young boys have that much farther to go in order to be true to God.

Tell me more...

PLN - WHY ARE LIBERALS AFRAID OF FIRE? - PRIME TOP STORY!!

The Olympic Torch Relay, which got it's start in 1936 during the Berlin Games somewhere in Europe, has come under a different kind of fire lately. The torch, a symbol of freedom and warmth, has become enemy #1 to liberals all across the globe who wish to impose their anti-establishment, anti-athletic, and pro-choice way of life on the rest of the world. Several of the most motivated fire-haters have made unsuccessful attempts to extinguish the triumphant flame of liberty and sports, simply to make a cheap political point.

A few prominent Democrats have even called on President Bush to consider boycotting the Olympics. The President countered by affirming that he will be attending the games as a "sports fan", not to make a political statement. In order to prove this Bush will take to sitting in the nosebleed seats, urinating with his fellow male sports-fans, and wearing an over-sized red white and blue foam glove suggesting that the American team is indeed number one.

Olympic historian Earl Henry tells us why this year's Olympic torch has been in more undisclosed locations than Dick Cheney, "It's because of these activists who claim to be protesting China's poor human rights record, including their Tibet policies."

Supporting the Tibetan cause has come a long way from being soley a sure fire method for musicians to get some in the mid-90's. China's recent crackdowns on rebellious monks has thrown international light on a dire situation begging the question, "Can China find a more secretive way to crackdown on monks?"

These Olympic Torch protesters showed up in full riot gear.

This question, along with many others, will be answered at the Beijing Olympics. Be sure to tune into PLN for a complete update on all of America's gold medal wins, and check out our in depth profiles on each and every U.S. athlete's most profoundly tragic obstacles.

PLN - TROOPS TO BE WITHDRAWN!* - PRIME TOP STORY!!

United States Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker and General David Petraeus testified brilliantly on capitol Hill this week laying out the case for withdrawal from Iraq suggesting that the U.S. military, "Make reductions when the conditions allow."

Misguided democrats are demanding an "orderly withdrawal" while they can't even have an orderly Presidential Primary. Their overuse of liberal buzzwords like "benchmarks" and "success" underscore desperate attempts to settle personal and political scores with fellow party members.

Vice Presidential front runner Joe Lieberman painted the most honest picture of the progress in Iraq saying, "I wish we could have an agreement on the facts!"

*Conditions Pending

PLN - OIL PRICES - THE CHUCK RICH SHOW - VIDEO

PLN - LEBANON OVEREACTS TO U.S. SHOW OF SUPPORT - PRIME TOP STORY!!

In the midst of America's most successful War On Terror ever, you'd think that Lebanon would know not to over-react to seeing a couple or more U.S. Navy ships passing just outside it's waters. Middle East and Middle Eastern experts agree that Lebanon's terrorist-insurgent political party Hezbollah would scream to the sky, if only because they couldn't throw rocks far enough to hit the routine cruise-by of three U.S. Navy warships off the coast.

The terror-confab Hezbollah has so much pull in the country that even Lebanon's Legitimate Prime Minister Fuad Saniora put up a bewildered front stating, "We did not request any warships," as though America had prankishly ordered pizzas to his house.

The U.S. Military insists that the Navy sent the the three+ ships, including an amphibious assault craft, to Lebanon in order to promote regional stability during their on-going political crisis. Lebanon's elections have been delayed 15 times as Hezbollah tries to wrestle power away from those who value Freedom and Democracy. The U.S.S. Cole was sent in solely to scare Osama Bin Laden, who could be in Lebanon, you never know.

White House spokesperson Gordon Jondroe characterized the move as, "A show of support and stability." He insists that the real wolf-in-Lebanese clothing is the anti-Christ related terror network, Hezbollah, which is a direct threat to Israel therefore America.

Hezbollah legislator Hassan Fadallah called the move, "An American threat against Lebanon," while threatening that, "intimidation will not affect us."

Middle East experts of all creeds aren't sure whether or not seeing a bunch of cool American ships shining in the brilliant Mediterranean sun will have any influence with the Lebanese people or government. Some, who may or may not be over analyzing the situation, believe that a conflict in Lebanon would actually be a proxy war between the United States/Israel Vs. Syria/Iran. This global tag team match up, many believe, would put an end to the long period of co-Arabian instability in the region.

"If Syria's panicking about these ships, maybe it's because they have a guilty conscience," observes a recently retired Defense Department official, "What they should do is get their filthy, oil-rich hands off of Lebanon."

The Lebanese election has been pushed back to March 11th, however, considering the state of things many in Lebanon are asking, "Of what year?"

PLN - OBAMA VS. AMERICA - PRIME TOP STORY!!

She's described America as "broken", "unfix-able", and "venereal-y diseased". Her critiques of U.S. life range from, "progressively worse and worse" to "increasingly unaffordable", and "downright dangerous." Experts get the impression that when Michelle Obama thinks of the United States it makes her want to vomit in fear and rage.

Whatever she feels about her country is nothing compared to the downright disdain she feels toward the man she's married to. In the acid-fling-a-thon that is a Presidential race, many negative things are said by one candidate about another. It's rare however to see a candidate's own spouse turn around and start bashing said candidate. Michelle Obama has called her husband "stinky", "snorey", and "a bag of worms encased in human flesh."

PLN Body Language/Celebrity Relationship analyst Deirdre commends Michelle Obama for her honesty and suggests that divorce may be the only option left for the couple. "She's a lot like the Phylicia Rashad character from 'The Cosby Show'. This is clearly a woman who needs more of everything. More money, more power, more attention, but at the same time she hates the man she needs to achieve those goals."

"She's mad. What's she mad at? America, her husband...probably men in general," says psychologist Dr. Robert Jones Ralph. "People like Michelle Obama will never be happy until everyone else in the world is as miserable as they are."

At every stop on her cross country tour Michelle Obama manages to paint life as a dark cloud of foreboding misery. In Wisconsin she mourned, "For the first time in my adult life I am really proud of my country."

"What she's stating here quite clearly is that not only does she hate America, but that freedom itself is something only a child could believe in," says Reg Bartlett Host of PLN's 'Deep in the Heart.' "What she sees when she looks at our nation is a country that hit the skids sometime during the mid 1970's. A lawless land where daddy's on the drink and mommy works 4 jobs just to buy enough crack to satiate her children who wolf it down like sugar-cereal."

A few worried observers fear for Barack Obama's safety in light of Michelle having recently called her husband's candidacy a, "once in a lifetime opportunity for us to be graced by a man like him(Hussein)."

"It sounds as though she is planning to go "praying mantis" and eat her husband if he does not win this election," says Deirdre. "As much as she hates Barack now, he'll never live it down if he doesn't pull off a big win. Poor guy."

Political strategists, however, can see right through the entire plot calling Michelle Obama's love of spreading negativity, "a wonderful political strategy." Peter Thomas of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies points out that, "It's exactly what cults do. Convince people their lives are miserable and offer them some phoney cure. It explains this whole cult like Obama-Mania that's gripped our nation."

He goes on to call for the unthinkable, "I never thought I'd say this but...I'm for...Hillary?" (sigh)

PLN - CAMPAIGN SMEAR TACTICS SINK TO NEW LEVEL - PRIME TOP STORY!!

Recent changes in the tone of Presidential political campaigning has caused PLN to begin looking for culprits. Someone, perhaps a person who has something to gain from slandering a close rival, released this picture to the mainstream media:

The photo shows Democratic front-runner Barrack Obama at a rare Kenyan Voodoo ceremony which blended pure African blackness with traditional terrorist-Muslim elements. Many experts suggest that releasing pictures such as this one:

...during a high stakes election might have been an attempt by someone who would like to see Barrack Obama lose popularity with rational, peace-loving Americans who might come to the conclusion that Obama is playing on every other team but our own.

The Hillary Clinton campaign, which has yet to take responsibility for the smear, has yet to admit to leaking the picture which shows Obama during his Madrasa days, paying homage to several false gods during an honorary indoctrination ceremony.

We at Prime Legitimate News think that it is shameful for anyone in a public position to use such graven images of pure evil to further their own political careers. To use an incriminating photo from a respected man's past in order to make a cheap, albeit true, point is nothing more than smear mercantilism in it's lowest form.

Hopefully someone will emerge from the rabble to straight-talk us through this horrible mud slinging contest.