Prime Legitimate News

PLN Mission Statement

2010-06-02T16:06:00.001-07:00

The Prime Legitimate News Channel was formed in order to deliver the news in an even and honest manner. As the most watched news channel in America, we feel it is our duty to challenge the mainstream media. Our hard hitting team of seasoned journalists bring a sense of decency and logic to their reporting, without any of the bias. That’s what PLN is all about. Prime news. Legitimate reporting. Even. Honest. It’s that simple. We deliver the news, you sign for it!

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN PROMO

2009-02-07T16:10:00.003-08:00

PLN - THE CHUCK RICH SHOW - OIL PRICES - VIDEO!

2009-02-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION - VIDEO!

2008-11-19T21:02:00.000-08:00

PLN - OBAMA ACCEPTS CIA BLACKMAIL - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-11-18T02:45:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, November 6th President-elect Barack Obama met privately with U.S. Intelligence officials at the FBI headquarters in Chicago. There Obama received his first Presidential Daily Brief written by the CIA, including critical overnight intelligence that President-elect Obama will use to build his defence strategy.

Also discussed at the meeting was the fact that any moment the President could be "dealt with" by representatives higher interests if he should deviate from the agendas of the CIA, FBI, NSA, FCC, and a host of other U.S. and non-U.S. governing bodies, some known, some unknown.

Obama was then given a slide show presentation of various foreign and domestic leaders who felt it their duty to serve public interest over the needs of the rapidly emerging "New World Order". Leaders like Jacobo Arbenz of Guatemala, Salvador Allende of Chile, and a handful of Kennedys.

Obama has been sworn to secrecy so as not to reveal the content of this private meeting, however PLN's exclusive source for this story noted that Obama seemed the most surprised when he learned that John Hinkley was a hand picked, brainwashed CIA/MK ULTRA assassin sent in to keep Ronald Regan "on message."

After the slide show Obama was dosed severely with Lysergic Acid Dyethylamide, placed into an isolation tank, and reprogrammed with an entirely new outlook on the origins of life and the directions in which it is headed.

A trembling spokesperson for the Obama transition team could only say, "It was a very...enlightening meeting."

PLN - SCHWARZENEGGER GOES COMMUNIST! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-11-12T21:07:00.000-08:00

Seeing the immense popularity of RED socialist ideology in today's hip hop political culture California's Former Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided to give California the far left viking funeral it's always wanted. By raising Ca's sales tax a full one and one entire half a percent he's sure to finish off what Brian Davis Jones of the CA Institute for Neutral Policy Research Center thinks Grey Davis started, "plunging the state headlong into psychotic & fiscal failure & insolvency."

The crackdown on prosperity will pump up the sales tax on amusement park admission, sporting events, golf, furniture, vehicles, as well as certain forms of adult entertainment.

A spokes person for the Schwarzenegger administration compared the tax hike to, "injecting anabolic steroids directly into the economy's ass cheeks." The governor's office claims that the increase will only last for three years presumably for as long as Barack Obama's term is expected to last.

CA's 11.2 Billion dollar Grey Davis induced deficit has the governor asking "Who Can't We Tax"? B. Davis Jones thinks the governor should focus on massive spending cuts like:

- Doing away with public education

- Ending all unemployment benefits, creating more incentives to work

- No more drinking fountains

Not like the Governor is listening to good advice anymore(i.e.: End of Days), but if he doesn't want to go down like another Grey Davis then he'd better start.

PLN - GAYEST RIOTS EVER! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-11-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

Thousands upon thousands of gay homosexuals took to the streets in several violent protests against the final chapter in the saga of the legitimization of illegitimate marriages. On November 4th Values Voters in California, Arizona, and Florida all approved constitutional amendments in order to save the right of a man and a woman to marry. The amendments override activist State Supreme Court judges who literally bowed down to big gay interests.

The question as to weather or not there will be penalties for the all ready 18,000 or so same-sex marrieds since CA legalized gay marriage, and how severe those punishments should be, has yet to be asked.

West Hollywood, San Fransisco, and the Inland Empire aka "The 909" in California became ground zero as thousands blocked traffic and burned, among other things, candles at so called "vigils". Along with the protesters other flaming items included cars, trash cans, and American flags in effigy.

Before the election results were released.

After.

Some activists are taking a page out of the Al Gore book of political chicanery by filing challenges in court in order to subvert democracy and Christian/Mormon values. Many of the irrational homosexuals are attacking the Mormon Church, an institution dedicated to the protection of normal marriage, by suggesting that some of their members should or should not choose to vote for pro-marriage initiatives as well as funneling approx. 20 million dollars across state lines to suggest that others do the same.

"Whatever argument they got is false," argues Values Voter Ron C. Franks of California, "God made man with a man-thing and woman with another things to put it into, not the other way around...or in the butt is what I'm saying. Gay marriage is a sin."

No fatalities have been reported as of yet, but if there are any you can be sure the liberal media will do their best to cover them up. Stay tuned to Prime Legitimate News as the bodies hit the floor.

PLN - PROTECT OUR BORDERS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-10-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

PLN ELECTION 2008 SPECIAL COVERAGE

"Illegal immigrants swarm the streets stealing jobs, raping freedoms, and leaving a trail of tall-can Modelos in their economically destructive path. It's a known fact," observes Multi-Honorable Louise Vanz Walter Chair of True Americans Against Mexican Invasion.

http://www.sendemback.com/

PLN has taken a break from covering the Presidential race to focus on the most important Senate race of the 2008 election: California's 46th District Congressional race between Republican incumbent Honorable Dana Rohrabacher and former member of the Weather Underground(semi-verified) Debbie Cook.

While the liberal media is busy covering so called important stories about fluff like a couple of harmless bank mergers and Iraq's youthful democratic growing pains, Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is dealing with the most important issue of our day(today): Immigration. With plans to build a 700 mile fence along the US Mexico border if he has to do it himself, Rorahbacher is doing more to protect our values and keep our country safe then anybody who doesn't want to build a 700 mile fence along the U.S.-Mexico border.

His long shot opponent, illegitimate small town Mayor Debbie Cook, opposes keeping illegal immigrants out of our nation and actually SUPPORTS giving them free health care, low cost housing, and great deals on cars. See her endorsement of HR 676 which is yet another far left tax-grab that would go toward the countries most lazy sick people.

A recent mailing from the Rorahbacher campaign asks the question, "Which side of the Border Fence debate are you on?" A more fitting question according to Dale Ern Smith of the Values Security Commission on Human Rights is, "What side of the Border Fence should YOU be on?"

Cook posing with illegals.

PLN - POPE MAKES DRASTIC EFFORT TO RECONCILE - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-07-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

Pope Benedict XVI demonstrates to clergy the proper way to touch a child. Watchful security steps in, stopping things before they go too far.

For more PLN Pope coverage see our expose of the Blockbuster film project "Benedict: A Pope For All Seasons".

PLN - THE CHUCK RICH SHOW - OIL PRICES

2008-07-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

PLN - IRANIAN NUKES NARROWLY MISS U.S. TARGETS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-07-10T21:52:00.000-07:00

Realistic Presidential hopeful John McCain called for "action" as the terrorist nation of Iran launched several pre-nuclear missiles at various U.S. related targets.

All military experts agree, "It's time."

PLN - SEN. JESSE HELMS 1921-2008 - PRIME TOP OBITUARY

2008-07-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

Jesse Helms(R-North Carolina)
1921-2008

PLN thanks you for your life of service to the values we as Americans,

and American news reporters, hold dear.

HAPPY 4th OF JULY, AMERICA! Remember, Jesus IS the reason

2008-07-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

PLN congratulates America on another year of Independence

from Britain's tyrannical leftist reign of secular socialism.

Even. Honest.

- Prime Legitimate News

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - VIDEO - IMMIGRATION

2008-05-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - VIDEO PROMO

2008-05-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

PLN - PLN REPORTER ACCIDENT LEAKED! - VIDEO

2008-05-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

Someone in our editing department got a hold of this video and leaked it.

We at PLN feel as though you should see it here first, before it spreads on the internet.

PLN - CALIFORNIA HOMOSEXUALS ENSURE EASY WIN FOR McCAIN IN '08 - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-05-17T22:46:00.001-07:00

California's Supreme Court has quashed the Democrat's hopes of winning back the White House in 2008 by historically ruling to end the states' ban on gay marriage. Now that same-sex couples in America's most populous state are free to tie the knot, rational Americans will see the truest threat to democracy and a decent way of life.

Liberals everywhere are warning Christians of the possible nation-wide implications for this, the most important issue since flag-burning. In response, angry patriots at the ready to defend their country against subversionist threats to the freedom of a man and woman to marry will flock to the polls in droves.

This man values freedom.

The newest poll numbers show McCain winning with 80% of the vote over which ever democratic candidate ends up receiving the nomination. That's a 30% change from the dead heat tie in the race prior to the CA Supreme Court decision.

Many see this as California's last political stand. "The state of CA has now reached a level of sin which will surely wipe it from God's earth," says T. Ryan Danelaw of the Sensible Research Institute for Faith Driven Studies in Science. "How long have we been talking about 'The Big One'? I'd be surprised if California is even around to have a say in the 2008 Presidential election."

If John McCain has anything to say about it, they won't.

PLN - DANGEROUS POLAR BEAR MENACE NEARLY TAKEN CARE OF - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-05-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

The US government Wednesday listed polar bears as an endangered species, warning that melting of Arctic sea ice was threatening their habit putting an end to the polar bear's centuries-old, fearful reign of terror in ice covered lands.

Signs such as the one above have been placed around the few remaining polar bear strongholds, warning people to stay away from the dangerous man eaters until they have died off completely. Experts expect the polar bear threat to be completely wiped off the planet within the next 45 years.

It was a human baby.

PLN - CARTER STOKES MIDDLE EAST RAGE - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

Former insurgent U.S. President Jimmy Carter may have brokered the first Israeli-Arab peace deal, but since there have been more Israeli-Arab peace deals than Friday the 13th movies, Carter may not be helping the volatile Middle East situation with his continued occupation of their countries.

During his mid-East tour Carter met with Hamas leader Kaled Mashaal prompting several top Israeli officials to snub Carter during his most recent visit. Not only are the Israeli leaders snubbing Carter, but they are instead deciding to hold a light-summit with the cast of "Saved By The Bell: Israel" in lieu of meeting the globetrotting ex-President.

The only high-level Israeli official to meet with Carter was Israel's ceremonial head of state Shimon Perez, who claims he only meet with Carter because, "I must have been given the wrong address. Someone is, for certain, is playing a joke on me."

While in Israel, Carter will visit Sderot the town most frequently hit by Gaza rocket attacks in order to assess the damage and report back to Hamas on the progress.

Checking the goods.

In his own defense Carter said, "I think it's important that at least someone meet with the Hamas leaders...If Israel is ever going to find peace...Hamas will have to be involved in the process."

With friends.

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - VIDEO - IMMIGRATION

2008-04-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

PLN - SANDWICH GETS YEAST INFECTION! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

PLN - ROBERT BLAKE TO PLAY POPE BENEDICT XVI - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

In an announcement that has sent shock waves through both the entertainment and religious industries, actor Robert Blake has told reporters that he will make his comeback playing Pope Benedict XVI in the up coming bio-pic about the life of the top-level Catholic icon.

"I figure, the Pope's here. People are saying 'hey you kind of look like the pope, so..." says Blake when asked why he chose this particular role.

The movie is set to be released the next time the Pope visits America. There is all ready talk of Blake possibly earning an Academy Award, Emmy, or Association of Video Retailers Award for the role depending on whether the movie is released in theaters, on TV, or straight to video.

Blake doing some homemade make-up tests for the up-coming "Benedict: A Pope For All Ages"

"I'm the Pope."

PLN - THE OTHER KIND OF RADICAL - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

Whether the Iraqi government likes it or not, America is ready to give Muqtada al-Sadr his close up. Defense Secretary Robert Gates gave al-Sadr his full endorsement calling him a," significant political figure." Even General David Petraeus, who knows more about how well things are going in Iraq then anyone else, says the al-Sadr should be, "to varying degrees, accommodated." Senator Joe Lieberman praised al-Sadr calling him, "A stand-up guy. I like him, personally. I am a Democrat, though."

The Iraqi government has been less wiling to let al-Sadr play a part in their fresh Democracy since fighting broke out between Iraqi forces and al-Sadr's Mahdi Army militia in Basra and the Madhi Army stronghold of Sadr City. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki is asking Parliament to bar any party from participating in Iraqi elections if that party maintains a militia.

What al-Maliki fails to appreciate is the fact that everyone in Iraq has a militia. "You can't go grocery shopping, take a bus, or even swim in the ocean safely without at least one small militia," notes P. Thomas Barnes of the Democratic Foundation for a Free and Democratic Iraq, "Maliki knows what he's doing. Since virtually everyone in Iraq has a militia, no one else can run for President."

America has made it double-clear that if Muqtada al-Sadr wants to participate in the legitimate political process he must give up a few of his hobbies, namely violence. Even though al-Sadr has launched countless strikes against U.S. and Iraqi forces, the U.S. Defense Department is willing to give a muted "thumbs up" to their former unofficial arch enemy.

"Iraq is a tough place," says Gates, "It needs a tough leader. Someone like...a very tough leader."

Al Sadr using American hand gestures to prove that everything is indeed "OK".

PLN - IRAQ TO REBUILD IRAQ! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

Finally! After five long years of a complete free ride, Congress is taking action to put the responsibility for Iraq's future in the cash-lined hands of gratefully liberated Iraqis.

"We're not saying that they should rebuild EVERYTHING without our financial and material help," says U.S. State Department Representative Dale Burnham. "We'll let them rebuild the hospitals, roads, power lines, neighborhoods, schools, and infrastructure. We'll take care of the rest."

Using Iraq's surging oil income as proof Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska said of the American people, "they are looking at why Baghdad can't pay more of these costs. The answer is they can."

Their tax dollars at work.

In a compassionate act of bipartisanship Republican and Democratic senators have banded together to draft bills that will restrict all future reconstruction grants to loans instead of welfare-like giveaways.

The bills will include legislation that will force Baghdad to:

- Pay for the fuel used by U.S. Troops.

- Cover the cost of training friendly Sunni Militias.

- Spend more of it's surplus oil revenue to rebuild before tapping into precious U.S. cash resources.

- Buy back looted museum artifacts with surplus oil revenue.

- Pay a percentage of their income based on the amount of Iraq liberated.

Representative Lindsey Gramm of Michigan kept the ball rolling with a suggestion that any anticipated Iraqi budget surplus could be used to help Afghanistan, while Joe Lieberman slam dunked the issue hard by demanding that Iraq start paying some U.S. combat costs.

The Bush administration actually agreed with Congress stating that, "We expect Iraq to shoulder the full burden of these costs."

Luckily the U.S. can supervise all the reconstruction efforts from it's new $736 million dollar fortified embassy in Baghdad.

With Iraq taking on it's own burdens the question remains, "How much more accomplished is this mission going to get?"

That's more like it!

PLN - MUGABE TRIES TO RESTORE HAITIAN ORDER - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

Haiti's embattled President Robert Mugabe has deployed troops ahead of a strike over the contested election results and rampant food shortages which have sent his African country of Zimbabwe into chaos. Mugabe sent security forces across his country as well as in the Haitian portions of Zimbabwe.

Mugabe putting Haiti in it's place.

The opposition party led by Rene Preval urged a general strike while rebels in the streets chanted, "Aristide or death!" a call for the reinstatement of former President Jean Bertrand Aristede. Aristide is currently exiled in neighboring Central Africa.

Should Aristide return to Zimbabwe?

The mounting unrest includes political killings, voter fraud allegations, and starving people eating dirt-pies in anger and desperation as the rising cost of food has ignited nation wide protests.

Can Mugabe restore order to his tiny African country without the aid of former dictator Aristide?

Only time and Prime Legitimate News will tell.

PLN - NORIEGA, THE WB, AND A BOTTLE ROCKET - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

Amateur film-maker Al Gore has embarked on a costly advertising campaign that will compare the popular myth of Global Warming to the dastardly regime of Adolph Hitler, the civil rights movement, and man landing on the moon. The Wall Street Journal(a subsidiary of PLN) reported that the multi-million dollar campaign is part of Gore's L. Ron Hubbard like quest to raise a "Green-Army" of at least ten million people world-wide. The marketing blitz will cost upwards of $300 Million dollars(most of which will be printed on paper, which used to be trees) and will include a multi-media onslaught of anti-human commercials set to scare the world's population into believing in a secular, non-biblical Armageddon.

The theme of the "We Didn't Wait" ad explores America's resolve to tackle the tough issues of Nazism, race relations, and space travel while prompting Gore's minions to "act" in order to stop what he calls "Man Made Global Warming." Gore has a virtual clown-car of left-wing scientists ready to back him up on his claims, however, we at PLN prefer to have an even and honest debate about the issues.

OUR scientists liken the myth of man-made Global Warming more to Manuel Noriega then to Adolph Hitler. Manuel Noriega the former military strongman dictator of Panama, like global warming, was an easily manageable while marginally threatening, temporary nuisance with direct ties to drug related criminals*. Noriega is more like a benign environmental trend such as El Nino, the occasional drought, or hurricane Katrina which come and go with no meaningful or lasting repercussions. Most experts agree that if you were to compare Hitler to a natural calamity it would most likely be massive asteroid impact and the total destruction of all life on Earth, leaving a slight possibility for regeneration.

Our team of scientifically based research associates, in their study published on various popular science websites and in publications on print as well as the internet and online have concluded that the jury is not only still out on weather global warming is man made, but they've basically been bribed and/or brainwashed by Al Gore and his Greenworld henchlings. The scientists who would return OUR calls compared Global Warming less to the civil rights act and moon landing, more to the creation of the WB and the first guy who did bottle rockets.

In other words: THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM! The United States government has a plan to solve all of the worlds energy, sweetener, and movie snack problems with precious corn-based everything, end of story.

Instead of "An Inconvenient Truth" the American people should perhaps be tuned into a different movie. One about an environmentally-crazed cult leader hell bent on raising an army of zombie-environmentalists. It's called Trancers 2. Like most films which which are leaps ahead of their time in exposing the corrupt underbelly of the environmentalist-left, Trancers 2 was swept under the rug. Perhaps with new light being shown on the true nature of Al Gore's master plan, Trancers 2 will at last get the theatrical release it so clearly deserves and needs.

* Al Gore's son was arrested for driving with illegal drugs, and his father has admited to sampling a variety of Schedule I substances.

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - PROMO VIDEO!

2008-04-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

PLN - THOU SHALT NOT WHAT?! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

The foremost indisputable overseers of morality and human conduct, the Catholic Church, have extended their list of mortal sins in order to add SEVEN more! The Catholic home office in Italy faxed PLN the seven new sins. They are...

Environmental Pollution

Littering is no longer a petty offense, it's a one way ticket to hell!

Genetic Manipulation

What isn't evil about playing God? Look what happened to Frankenstein, Jack Kervorkian, and Uri Geller.

*A specific amendment was added to this sin at the last minute: If you eat genetically altered food, you go to purgatory for 8 years minimum.

Accumulating Excessive Wealth

In order to set a good example the Catholic Church will discontinue the acceptance of all cash donations.

Inflicting Poverty

Not that we don't love the impoverished. In order to take a stand against poverty the Catholic Church will staunchly continue it's fight against contraception and birth control because studies show the more people there are per household, the more incomes a family is likely to accrue.

Drug Trafficking and Consumption

This includes driving a keg from one house to another and/or consuming it's contents. Hell.

Morally Debatable Experiments

Like voting for a female President.

Violation of Fundamental Rights of Human Nature

This one ranges from stealing ice cream & looking at someone funny all the way to murder & medical malpractice. It's a wide ranging new sin that makes sure all the bases are covered, and you have NO DOUBT that hell awaits unless you are forgiven.

The list of new sins was unveiled by Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti who believes that by expanding the ways which a man can be judged to spend eternity in hell, the church is breeding a whole new generation of more sin free Catholics. As the paramount authority on all things decent, ethical, and pure, righteous, saintly, virtuous, and true, the Catholic Church has proven once again that all those who wrongly accuse priests of sexual misconduct with young boys have that much farther to go in order to be true to God.

Tell me more...

PLN - WHY ARE LIBERALS AFRAID OF FIRE? - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

The Olympic Torch Relay, which got it's start in 1936 during the Berlin Games somewhere in Europe, has come under a different kind of fire lately. The torch, a symbol of freedom and warmth, has become enemy #1 to liberals all across the globe who wish to impose their anti-establishment, anti-athletic, and pro-choice way of life on the rest of the world. Several of the most motivated fire-haters have made unsuccessful attempts to extinguish the triumphant flame of liberty and sports, simply to make a cheap political point.

A few prominent Democrats have even called on President Bush to consider boycotting the Olympics. The President countered by affirming that he will be attending the games as a "sports fan", not to make a political statement. In order to prove this Bush will take to sitting in the nosebleed seats, urinating with his fellow male sports-fans, and wearing an over-sized red white and blue foam glove suggesting that the American team is indeed number one.

Olympic historian Earl Henry tells us why this year's Olympic torch has been in more undisclosed locations than Dick Cheney, "It's because of these activists who claim to be protesting China's poor human rights record, including their Tibet policies."

Supporting the Tibetan cause has come a long way from being soley a sure fire method for musicians to get some in the mid-90's. China's recent crackdowns on rebellious monks has thrown international light on a dire situation begging the question, "Can China find a more secretive way to crackdown on monks?"

These Olympic Torch protesters showed up in full riot gear.

This question, along with many others, will be answered at the Beijing Olympics. Be sure to tune into PLN for a complete update on all of America's gold medal wins, and check out our in depth profiles on each and every U.S. athlete's most profoundly tragic obstacles.

PLN - TROOPS TO BE WITHDRAWN!* - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-04-09T21:26:00.003-07:00

United States Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker and General David Petraeus testified brilliantly on capitol Hill this week laying out the case for withdrawal from Iraq suggesting that the U.S. military, "Make reductions when the conditions allow."

Misguided democrats are demanding an "orderly withdrawal" while they can't even have an orderly Presidential Primary. Their overuse of liberal buzzwords like "benchmarks" and "success" underscore desperate attempts to settle personal and political scores with fellow party members.

Vice Presidential front runner Joe Lieberman painted the most honest picture of the progress in Iraq saying, "I wish we could have an agreement on the facts!"

*Conditions Pending

PLN - OIL PRICES - THE CHUCK RICH SHOW - VIDEO

2008-03-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

PLN - LEBANON OVEREACTS TO U.S. SHOW OF SUPPORT - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-03-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

In the midst of America's most successful War On Terror ever, you'd think that Lebanon would know not to over-react to seeing a couple or more U.S. Navy ships passing just outside it's waters. Middle East and Middle Eastern experts agree that Lebanon's terrorist-insurgent political party Hezbollah would scream to the sky, if only because they couldn't throw rocks far enough to hit the routine cruise-by of three U.S. Navy warships off the coast.

The terror-confab Hezbollah has so much pull in the country that even Lebanon's Legitimate Prime Minister Fuad Saniora put up a bewildered front stating, "We did not request any warships," as though America had prankishly ordered pizzas to his house.

The U.S. Military insists that the Navy sent the the three+ ships, including an amphibious assault craft, to Lebanon in order to promote regional stability during their on-going political crisis. Lebanon's elections have been delayed 15 times as Hezbollah tries to wrestle power away from those who value Freedom and Democracy. The U.S.S. Cole was sent in solely to scare Osama Bin Laden, who could be in Lebanon, you never know.

White House spokesperson Gordon Jondroe characterized the move as, "A show of support and stability." He insists that the real wolf-in-Lebanese clothing is the anti-Christ related terror network, Hezbollah, which is a direct threat to Israel therefore America.

Hezbollah legislator Hassan Fadallah called the move, "An American threat against Lebanon," while threatening that, "intimidation will not affect us."

Middle East experts of all creeds aren't sure whether or not seeing a bunch of cool American ships shining in the brilliant Mediterranean sun will have any influence with the Lebanese people or government. Some, who may or may not be over analyzing the situation, believe that a conflict in Lebanon would actually be a proxy war between the United States/Israel Vs. Syria/Iran. This global tag team match up, many believe, would put an end to the long period of co-Arabian instability in the region.

"If Syria's panicking about these ships, maybe it's because they have a guilty conscience," observes a recently retired Defense Department official, "What they should do is get their filthy, oil-rich hands off of Lebanon."

The Lebanese election has been pushed back to March 11th, however, considering the state of things many in Lebanon are asking, "Of what year?"

PLN - OBAMA VS. AMERICA - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-03-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

She's described America as "broken", "unfix-able", and "venereal-y diseased". Her critiques of U.S. life range from, "progressively worse and worse" to "increasingly unaffordable", and "downright dangerous." Experts get the impression that when Michelle Obama thinks of the United States it makes her want to vomit in fear and rage.

Whatever she feels about her country is nothing compared to the downright disdain she feels toward the man she's married to. In the acid-fling-a-thon that is a Presidential race, many negative things are said by one candidate about another. It's rare however to see a candidate's own spouse turn around and start bashing said candidate. Michelle Obama has called her husband "stinky", "snorey", and "a bag of worms encased in human flesh."

PLN Body Language/Celebrity Relationship analyst Deirdre commends Michelle Obama for her honesty and suggests that divorce may be the only option left for the couple. "She's a lot like the Phylicia Rashad character from 'The Cosby Show'. This is clearly a woman who needs more of everything. More money, more power, more attention, but at the same time she hates the man she needs to achieve those goals."

"She's mad. What's she mad at? America, her husband...probably men in general," says psychologist Dr. Robert Jones Ralph. "People like Michelle Obama will never be happy until everyone else in the world is as miserable as they are."

At every stop on her cross country tour Michelle Obama manages to paint life as a dark cloud of foreboding misery. In Wisconsin she mourned, "For the first time in my adult life I am really proud of my country."

"What she's stating here quite clearly is that not only does she hate America, but that freedom itself is something only a child could believe in," says Reg Bartlett Host of PLN's 'Deep in the Heart.' "What she sees when she looks at our nation is a country that hit the skids sometime during the mid 1970's. A lawless land where daddy's on the drink and mommy works 4 jobs just to buy enough crack to satiate her children who wolf it down like sugar-cereal."

A few worried observers fear for Barack Obama's safety in light of Michelle having recently called her husband's candidacy a, "once in a lifetime opportunity for us to be graced by a man like him(Hussein)."

"It sounds as though she is planning to go "praying mantis" and eat her husband if he does not win this election," says Deirdre. "As much as she hates Barack now, he'll never live it down if he doesn't pull off a big win. Poor guy."

Political strategists, however, can see right through the entire plot calling Michelle Obama's love of spreading negativity, "a wonderful political strategy." Peter Thomas of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies points out that, "It's exactly what cults do. Convince people their lives are miserable and offer them some phoney cure. It explains this whole cult like Obama-Mania that's gripped our nation."

He goes on to call for the unthinkable, "I never thought I'd say this but...I'm for...Hillary?" (sigh)

PLN - CAMPAIGN SMEAR TACTICS SINK TO NEW LEVEL - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-03-01T19:16:00.000-08:00

Recent changes in the tone of Presidential political campaigning has caused PLN to begin looking for culprits. Someone, perhaps a person who has something to gain from slandering a close rival, released this picture to the mainstream media:

The photo shows Democratic front-runner Barrack Obama at a rare Kenyan Voodoo ceremony which blended pure African blackness with traditional terrorist-Muslim elements. Many experts suggest that releasing pictures such as this one:

...during a high stakes election might have been an attempt by someone who would like to see Barrack Obama lose popularity with rational, peace-loving Americans who might come to the conclusion that Obama is playing on every other team but our own.

The Hillary Clinton campaign, which has yet to take responsibility for the smear, has yet to admit to leaking the picture which shows Obama during his Madrasa days, paying homage to several false gods during an honorary indoctrination ceremony.

We at Prime Legitimate News think that it is shameful for anyone in a public position to use such graven images of pure evil to further their own political careers. To use an incriminating photo from a respected man's past in order to make a cheap, albeit true, point is nothing more than smear mercantilism in it's lowest form.

Hopefully someone will emerge from the rabble to straight-talk us through this horrible mud slinging contest.

PLN - VIDEO GAME REVIEW - GHOST RECON: ISLAND THUNDER - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-02-28T15:55:00.000-08:00

"Havana, 2009. Castro is dead, and Cuba reels from a power vacuum. The Ghosts - an elite team of U.S. Army Green Berets - are deployed. Their mission: halt the drug-funded warlord from sabotaging the island republic's first free elections in decades."

- From the box of Ghost Recon: Island Thunder

PLN is taking a break from the rough and tumble work of covering the news in an even and honest manner to bring you our first PLN Video Game Review. This time around we're heading into the vaults to review Tom Clancy's GHOST RECON 2: ISLAND THUNDER for the XBOX.

As promised, Ghost Recon delivers the ultimate jungle warfare experience. As the instruction manual states, "Fidel Castro's heirs have been unable to keep the fire of his revolution burning, and a popular uprising has toppled the communist regime." To counteract those who wish to irresponsibly impose their political will through "subversion, violence, and open revolution" the Ghosts are called in.

Somebody order some Democracy?

Stated simply - the Ghosts are a group of patriotic fire-brands with the tools and talent enough to get the job done in Cuba with or without the help of congress, administrational oversight, or air support. These elite warriors are freedom fighting super men armed with the sweetest US-made war technology you've never dreamed existed. Ooooh, to hear these machine guns pop off as some punk tries to defend his tobacco plantation in the name of anti-democracy is enough to make me wish that either myself, or my grandchildren will someday experience the thrill of liberating Cuba. Just hearing the words "enemy down" come through the speaker sends a chill up my spine and the peace of mind knowing that the struggle for freedom burns inside those who actually fight the wars and those who experience combat in the comfort of their own homes.

It all begins with a beautiful cinematic tribute to the tropical glory of Cuba's coastline as the Ghosts arrive on shore. As these seasoned contractors and soldiers alike admire the majestic beauty of Cuba's newly liberated foliage they begin to take enemy fire. Not a likely scenario, but since it's a video game I'll suspend my disbelief.

Look at the background details!
That's one of Cuba's 2,362 cars.

Even the top notch cinematics are no match for the accurate and awe inspiring game environments. The amount of God's glory tossed out on this island makes this gamer wonder why it hasn't been a part of the United States all along. Not long after you're stunned by the games depiction of Cuba's splendor, filthiness, and possibilities for tourist megabucks, your mission begins.

Mission: Kick ass and take names...or not. The discovery you soon make is that Cuba cannot be liberated enough. There are initially 18 tasks in Ghost Recon, but the completion of them unlocks more content, more liberation. War is a game of inches and these underarmed, scrappy insurgents won't give them up without at least pretending they hate Freedom. The great thing about being an American soldier is that our weaponry so much out-blasts the tinker toys the Cubans have. It's almost as if they're using the same guns Oswald killed Kennedy with. Makes you think.

As a soldier, you're told not too get to close. Don't become too attached. You never know who's going to make it back. However, one member of my Bravo Team has turned out to be my favorite of the whole elite Ghost Squadron. His name is Shawn Cressler. He's a thick, tough, go-getter who is willing to to what it takes in order that the kill is made and the team gets home safely. If we got back to the States, I'd for sure call him up and go for a beer at least once or twice a year. We'd tell stories and watch each others kids grow up in the name of Freedom. That's how in-depth Ghost Recon: Island Thunder is. I'm crying as I write this review.

Just like being there!

The only drawback to Ghost Recon: Island Thunder is the suspicious fact that the voice over of your commanding superior officer sounds exactly like insurgent Presidential candidate Barrack Hussein Obama. Maybe it's time for the games developer Ubi Soft to do a quick sweep of their work force.

If you have and XBOX or XBOX 360, you've got to get this game! It's available USED at most Game Stop and EB Games stores for only $3.99!

Play the game. Learn the mission. Execute.

I give Ghost Recon: Island Thunder a...

A+ out of 5!

PLN - CASTRO 2 CASTRO - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2008-02-26T16:57:00.000-08:00

One hundred percent of the Cuban population flooded the "streets" in order to celebrate the resignation and even more imminent death of American enemy Fidel Castro this week. Those hoping that the power shift would result in positive economic change had their hopes double-dashed as Raul C. Castro wrestled power away from the Cuban people once again with a promise to consult Fidel on all major decisions. A puppet Parliament approved the re-coup under threat of death and/or rape.

The world community at large shares the disappointment of the Cuban people and U.S. State Department. State Department spokesperson Andrew Balkovitch echoed that universal opinion stating, "I'm disappointed that this transition of power did not completely capsize Cuba's political system, plunging the country into uncontrollable chaos the likes of which could only be stopped by preemptive American invasion."

Now, the world waits to see what kind of leader Raul Castro will be. He was named President by Cuba's National Assembly which conducts most of their meetings and votes under pressure of firing squad. Many liken Raul Castro to an evil version of Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf whose teddy bear exterior conceals a fang-laden superbest ready to strike down freedom at the drop of a hat.

Most experts saw the leadership change coming as Castro's power has declined as steadily as his health ever since the blessed day he announced that he would cede power to his brother while undergoing intestine surgery, multiple blood changes, and a series of pancreas transplants.

Fellow blood-thirsty dictator with ties to Al Qaeda in Iran, Hugo Chavez of Peru, said the the change in Cuba was occurring, "without any type of trauma." A reference to the murderous throngs of Chavez supporters who have kept him in power ever since he unconstitutionally wrestled control of Venezuela away from democratically elected Pedro Carmona in 2002.

As for Castro he was quoted as saying, "My conscience was cleared, and I promised myself a vacation." Seems like just about everybody in Cuba's looking to escape.

PLN thanks you for your support!!

2008-01-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to all who helped us once again win the very real

WAR ON CHRISTMAS

We couldn't have done it without the help of our viewers across

the world and in heaven.

Thank you all so much for beating back the secular, far-left, paganistic

tide that is trying to sink our great nation into a pit of sinful darkness the

likes of which would ensure the ruination of the greatest country

Christ ever created.

Have a blessed New Year!

- The Prime Legitimate News Team

PLTV - TV IS HERE TO STAY! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-11-21T19:35:00.001-08:00

Looks like all the writers in Hollywood got together and penned a big, fat flopper-oo. Critics are already calling the Writers Guild of America strike, "The most pointless labor dispute in American history."

Writers are currently doing something that only comes naturally to lazy, "creative" types: refusing to work. Only this time, they're taking the rest of the entertainment industry down with them into slacker oblivion. As an excuse not to work, the writers are demanding that studios and producers pay them money that isn't even being made from DVD sales and so-called Internet downloads.

Many in the liberal media, who want the average hard working American to feel sorry for those who get paid to do something most people do for fun, would like you to believe that America will tailspin when TV shows start going off the air because of the writers strike. We at PLN beg to differ.

If you want a hint regarding the remainder of "Grey's Anatomy's" season, here it is: Everyone who hasn't f**ed yet, does. Anyone interested in FOX's "24" can simply tune into PLN everyday to watch how America really fights the War On Terror. If it's ABC's "Lost" you will miss, you can always watch the Democrats debate.

As for the new shows about to be black-holed into nothingness by the strike, who cares? FOX's "K-Ville" proved that Americans are tired of hearing about Hurricane Katrina, the idea of a superior female had people turning off NBC's "Bionic Woman", and the flopping of ABC's "Caveman" goes to show you what the average American citizen thinks of crazy "evolution fantasies".

Of course the best thing to come out of the writer's strike is the fact that toilet-fodder like "The Daily Show" and "Colbert Report" will be off the air during the elections. This means that the liberal elite won't be able to manipulate American politics through their two most popular mouth pieces.

The main thing going against writers is exactly what's been plaguing them ever since some smart-ass decided to put words on record. When you consider the fact that everything that's ever going to be written already has been, there's really not much point in paying someone to trod out the same old garbage. Add on to that the commonly shared opinion that writing isn't actually work, therefore not something one should be paid for.

As a remedy to the WGA strike PLN will be launching PLTV. Prime Legitimate TV will be an all non-union, mainstream television network to rival ABC, CBS, and FOX. PLTV will combine American production values with Telemundo-like efficiency on a budget that everyone can agree on, or they're fired.

Here's a sample of the new shows ONLY on PLTV:

"So You Think You're A Reality TV Star Who Can Also Dance?"

- Reality stars dance-off in a dance competition judged by other reality stars! More reality than real life!

Dogg: The Bounty Hunter (Second Chance Edition)

- 'Cause everyone except Alec Baldwin deserves a second chance.

Predator House: Raw

- 6 sex predators, one house. You be the judge!

Northern Exposure reruns!

- It's back!

Who Wants A New Face!?

- PLTV is practically GIVING away faces!

Ca-Ching! - The Game Show

- Contestants try to guess which bag has money in it.

PLTV in conjunction with PLN will also be hosting at least 16 more episodes of "The Presidential Debates". Considering the Writers Guild strike, however, Hillary will not be taking any questions from the audience.

Despite all attemps by those who would rather opt out of functional society, TV will be stronger than ever after the debut of PLTV!

Prime Legitimate TV
"The Way It Should Be"

Contact your local cable provider!

A writer at work.

PLN - DEFENDING AMERICA'S SHERIFF - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-11-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

The greatest law enforcement official in American history, with Bernard Kerik coming in a close second, is in the middle of a left wing fire/metal storm and the fight of his career. As the #1 news station on cable network news, we at PLN feel it pertinent to warn you of the left wing tidal-wave style takeovers of our free press like the one in play in Orange County, California right now.

It seems as though a local communist pamphlet which specializes in character assassination, paganistic rituals, and features numerous ads for porno-smut, prostitutes of varying quality, and secret "medical" marijuana drug labs has launched a tsunami uppercut attack against the most uncorruptable police officer since Robocop, Orange County Sheriff Mike Carona. Carona was officially proclaimed "America's Sheriff" by the people of the United States via "The Larry King Show" in 1998. That label, combined with a spotless crime fighting record have had many hoping that "America's Sheriff" might team up with "America's Mayor" for a Giuliani/Carona Presidential ticket in 2008.

The local tab-propagand-loid that calls itself OC Weekly clearly understands the political value of Mike Carona to the Republican Party. He's a simple man who loves Jesus, his family, and his sworn duty to protect children from sick children-killers. This self styled Conservative Christian needed to be brought down, and the pesky un-embeds at the OC Weekly proceeded to crank out a non-stop litany of un fact-checked, biased, and altogether rude articles about Carona at such a obsessive pace you'd think they had a man-crush on the Sheriff. What the pseudo-intrepid go-getters at the Weekly we're to stoned and VD'd out of their minds to know was that while they were "reporting" perceived Carona gaffes, they may have been breaking the law. The National Security Law.

Those with first hand knowledge of the facts on the ground understand that Mike Carona has a brilliant crime solving mind which rivals that of Sherlock Holmes, Matlock, and Johnnie Cochran all rolled into one. His skill is his subtle genius which is hidden behind a doofus disguise. It's when he's at his worst that he's actually at his best.

Case in point: Between 2002-2004 Carona went undercover as a corrupt cop in order to gain the trust of Vegas mafioso/exotic dance club owner Rick Rizzolo and his gang. The OC Weekly printed photos of Carona in an undercover police uniform pretending to party, accept large cash contributions, even going so far as to sample strippers in Rizzolo's presence to make the criminals believe that he would be the kind of man who might throw his Christian values out the door in exchange for sex and cash. By reporting the story, the OC Weekly blew Carona's cover just like Joe Wilson blew his wife's cover as a CIA agent when he started criticizing the War On Terror.

Notice the drink in Rizzolo's hand. Carona had slipped

the mobster a truth serum so that Rizzolo might spill

more beans than usual. Brilliant!

"OC Weekly takes things so far out of context you forget there was ever a context to begin with," complains Deli Owner/City Council Member Joe Del Fazio. Del Fazio has also been an innocent victim of several unflattering OC Weekly articles, and is not associated with organized crime whatsoever.

The far-left drug-pimps at the OC Weekly went so far as to endanger American lives in a post 9-11 world by revealing Top Secret and Confidential anti-terror-non-anti-terror training procedures in a failed attempt to crucify Sheriff Carona. The "paper" actually printed a story insinuating that Carona allowed Joseph Medawar, a con-man with ties to Saudi-Arabia and now convicted felon, to film a Top Secret Anti-Terror training exercise with three camera crews.

This, of course, was another Mike Carona master-stroke! The whole anti-terror exercise was a FAKE! Carona organized the entire phony exercise so that the Saudis would THINK they knew how America does anti-terror, but they really had no clue at all. Of course the "hate America first"-ers over at the Weekly went right ahead and let the whole plan out of the bag. (cough) Treason. (cough, cough) Later, the clueless Weekly made a big deal about how Medawar turned out to be a criminal who was later arrested by the FBI for money laundering and obstruction of justice. Good thing America's Sheriff Mike Carona got the FBI on his trail! Carona may have helped to stop another 9-11, or at least a 7-7.

The main reason for the never ending onslaught of anti-"America's Sheriff" articles in the OC Weekly is obvious. Carona's been rounding up their readers by the bus load ever since he was elected to be OC's Top Cop in 1998. The Sheriff's packed the prisons to past-full with so many perps, lowlifes, and other OC Weekly types that there are barely enough beds and nurses to take care of them all. With no access to OC Weekly in jail their number of readers has decreased to the point where they may consider skimming more than the usual 10% commission on tricks turned by the women-for-sale in their back-page classifieds. Figures like 15% have been floated about the "office".

The one and only compromising bit of information the Weekly may have unearthed about Mike Carona is his intense love of crime fighting techniques, strategies, and gadgets. The commited Sheriff's deep desire to make Orange County a shining county on a hill, as far as law enforcement is concerned, led him to become overly excited in his public enthusiasm for a crime preventing laser-gun that safely brings an end to police pursuits.

The invention was sold by CHG Safety Technologies Inc. CHG is owned by former convicted felon Charles Grabbard who now invents technologies used to catch the very criminals he used to be. Carona and CHG became such close partners in crime-fighting that it soon became very unclear where, when, and how the transactions of certain funds ended up going from CHG into Carona's campaign committee.

"Fog of War. That's all I gotta say about that," says a CHG representative. "Just stop and think for a second. Imagine a huge laser that stops crooks from getting away. Mike had stars in his eyes. No matter how much money he had to take, he was going to see those things in use...maybe even on sick child-killographers."

For a pinko one-ply, the OC Weekly sure seems have something against charity. They showed their truest colors when the the paper went after Carona for his program to enrich people's lives through the receiving of their own, official police badges. The Weekly made a big fuss over a little skirmish on a golf course involving one of Carona's honorary deputies, Raymond Yi. Yi, responding to injustice on the course, began flashing his badge and gun at other golfers. Perhaps Carona should have thought twice about giving a badge to someone as committed to preserving the peace as Yi, but the 85 other people Carona passed out official police badges to have gone on without reported, public incident. The Weekly had a problem with the "Honorary Deputy" program because it simply meant that there were 85 of Carona's most reliable and trustworthy friends, relatives, and donors hunting down and rounding up their readers.

The Weekly even managed to brainwash the most prime and legitimate newspaper in California, The Orange County Register, into nit-picking Carona's finances to near-death while the Weekly focused on the more salacious material. Spurned on by the OC Weekly's steady flow of Carona bashing, several women have banded together to form a type of "Anita Hill Task Force" in order to file multiple sexual-harassment suits against Sheriff Carona. Carona insists, "Just cause these ladies wanted to have sex with me, and I refused them, doesn't mean I committed any harassments."

The case against Carona adds up to nothing but propaganda of the worst kind being fed to the public by irresponsible college drop outs posing as journalists in order to impress girls. Despite the Weekly's obvious lack of journalistic credibility, the mainstream media has taken the bait and begun reporting the Weekly's lies as though they were the absolute truth. A justice system on the brink of shatterment has charged Carona with seven felony counts, accusing him of accepting money, high priced gifts, sports tickets, a $5,000 watch for his wife, and loans for his so-called "mistress". One fabrication sewn onto another has created the quilt of lies that the left wing media has used to pull over the eyes of Americans everywhere.

It's not only the OC Weekly. There are little "Weekly" newspapers all over this country, ready to pounce on legitimate elected officials and tear apart this country with their far-out agendas. PLN hopes you will take note, and consider making Prime Legitimate News your only source for even and honest news, all the time.

Remember! We deliver the news, you sign for it!

God bless America, and America's Sheriff.

PLN - SURI'S PERFECT SCIENTOLOGY CHILDHOOD! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-10-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

US Weekly magazine took a break from covering the latest "accidental" appearance of Britney Spear's vagina to bring us their cover story about the thoroughly charmed, ideal, and enviable life of Scientology's prodigal daughter, Suri Cruise. The magazine attempted to pass Suri off as a normal kid who loves ice cream, cake, and the barley water, milk, and corn syrup formula that Scientology advocates babies drink in their first years of life. In fact, Suri's Cruise's life has been perfect from the moment she shot out of her mother like a DC-8 from space.

"This is one lucky kid," says a family insider. It's an almost perfect picture.

The only thing holding Suri back from complete happiness is her young age. At only 2 years old Suri is too young to begin taking classes at the Scientology Center where she will eventually begin her journey on the bridge to total freedom. That doesn't stop Suri from getting a leg up on all the wogs(Scientology's special word for non-Scientologists) out there. According to a close family friend interviewed by US Weekly, "Tom doesn't like associating with people who aren't Scientologists." This will assure that Suri grows around a constant throng of true believers including her two Scientologist nannies. These aren't your regular dust-maids and vacuum jockeys. These maids are at least OT 5 level Scientologists, and are well versed in very Scientological parenting practice.

"This is all sure to rub off on Suri from the get-go," says one enthusiastic Scientologist whose job it is to track my every move as I write this story. The OT levels refer to the 7 levels on Scientology's Bridge to Total Freedom. After Suri completes all 7 levels of the bridge she will be deemed "Clear", i.e.: The Perfect Person.

As a Clear, Suri will:

- Be clear of all negative influences.

- Have perfect recognition of every moment from her past.

- Never have colds or accidents.

- Have the ability to self-cure cancer.

- Have the ability to stare down a great white shark without feeling any fear under certain, controlled circumstances.

Note: One of these attributes is actually false. Be the first to guess which one and you'll win a free DVD copy of the PLN documentary: Death of a Hitler: The Saddam Hussein Story!

Suri's had the full Scientology treatment from her first moments of human life. Katie chose to have a "Silent Birth", as is suggested by Hubbard. The silent birth consists of no one present during Suri's Scientology approved birthing ritual being allowed to make a sound, including the mother, for fear that the sound trauma will be stored inside the baby's consciousness as "Engrams". The Engrams, or trapped psychological scars, will lead to severe problems of all kinds in the future. Hubbard also wrote that the mother should use "as little anesthetic as possible," during the birthing process. The barring of anesthetic may be a test to see whether or not the mother-to-be is really into the Scientology, or just some faker.

The US Weekly article pathetically tries to paint Tom and Katie as "typical new parents" when the exact opposite is obviously true. "They basically let Suri have at planet Earth like it's her own private Battlefield," says a close family friend who demands complete confidentiality. L. Ron Hubbard advised parents to be like a friend to their child, and not to refuse them much when they want their way and throw fits.

"Keeping Scientology Working!"

Don't just take US Weekly and PLN's word for it. Famous and successful actor Giovanni Ribisi says, "Without Scientology, I'd be in an alley somewhere, looking for dope." Since the options for most people on Earth truly are Scientology or drugs, the answer was clear for Ribisi. He goes on to praise the teachings of the Scientology Center calling it, "analogous to college." A recommendation like that could be taken as a suggestion to skip out on "higher education" altogether and start skipping across the bridge to total freedom, today!

When I asked my Scientologist...um...watcher how I could do that myself she gave me a very simple test consisting of questions that really got me thinking about how my life is missing something important, but I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. To figure this out it was recommended by my "Auditor" that I take the FREE(!) Introductory communication class. She says I'm a prefect candidate for the Bridge and should begin immediately before consulting ANYONE else about my decision. To tell you the truth, I'm really jazzed! Pretty soon I'll have a chance to be hooked up to an:

E-Meter!

An e-meter is a device invented by L. Ron Hubbard which reads the presence of thetans in a person's bloodstream. Thetans are large and small alien spirits that were brought to earth 75 million years ago by an evil intergalactic overload named Xenu. It's all been proven by science and Scientology which Hubbard describes as, "The Study of Knowingness."

Here's John Travolta hooked up to an e-meter!

Hubbard performs some of his important tomato-research with an e-meter:

Skeptical enemies, trying to bring down a legitimate religion, have sunk so low as to ruin a family's good name. Family unity couldn't be more evident than in the case of Holmes' parents Martin and Kathleen. Together they made a trip to see the Cruise's in Berlin, proving that everything is smooth sailing. The secular left wing media has done all it can to paint a picture of a couple trying to do whatever they can to keep their daughter in their lives in at least some capacity while clinging to the hope that logic will drift back into her mind so they may pry her away from the horribly backfiring Cinderella-based nightmare that's become her life ever since she married a brainwashed embarrassment factory of a falling super-star. It's not like that at all.

As if things weren't perfect enough, Katie's been dropping hints of a possible second child. This breaking news has led the media into an all out "Bump Watch" frenz-travaganza. PLN's own special affairs correspondent, and resident Scientologist, Helga Von Streussel has thoroughly analyzed the most recent images of Katie Homes with her trained eye. Unfortunately she has concluded that, "Katie Holmes, at this time, does not have the right kind of bump which would indicate successful insemination." Explaining the intricate bump-watch procedure she says, "What were looking for here is a bump of increasing size, magnitude, and velocity. It's not so much we're looking for any old tummy-lumps. All I see in these pictures is a woman with gas...unless she had a miscarriage. That's a possibility. I'll ask her next time I see her."

The Commodore

According to my auditor(aka: trusted friend) Hubbard was a, "decorated war hero, author of Shakespearean proportions, and the greatest humanitarian known to man." Watch this video, and find out for yourself!

Remember! We at PLN deliver the news, you sign for it! This reporter looks forward to advancing along the many levels of Scientology toward total clearness. I hope the rest of the classes are free like the first one!!

PLN - WHY RON PAUL WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-10-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

We at PLN know what you're going to say.

Yes, he's pro-life.

Yes, he wants to build a fence between the United States and Mexico.

Yes, he'll abolish welfare, social security, as well as any and all unnecessary government bureaucracies(aka: programs & services).

BUT, there are more reasons NOT to vote for Ron Paul then there are TO vote for him.

Don't let his fake victories in numerous "opinion" polls fool you, Ron Paul is possibly the single most crazily un-electable presidential hopeful since Nicole Kidman's stalker ran for the highest office in the land. A faster-than-quick glance at Paul's platform is enough to justify his absence on any ballot.

First and foremost is his non-interventionist foreign policy. Mr. Paul believes that America should stop spreading democracy to third, fourth, and fifth world nations, ensuring the global spread of radical Islamo-fascerrorism. He sternly believes the noble War On Terror is not worth fighting. Paul even went so far as to vote against the Iraq War resolution in 2002!? He treats The Patriot Act as though it were written on used toilet paper, and has tried to renege on it several times. All of these anti-security actions have prompted many to ask whether or not Paul is actually a liberal in disguise which would explain his appeal amongst confused leftists looking for ways to get back at their fathers through irrational political radicalization.

His weak stance on National Security is also bound to cost him the important military vote. Most military experts are asking, "Why would soldiers want to elect a President that's never going to send them into battle? It's counter-intuitive."

Of course the most dangerous thing about Ron Paul are the people who actually DO support him. Seasoned political analysts spit out their drinks when they learn how much money Paul receives, and where he gets it from. Studies have found that Paul rakes in over 90% of his campaign money from "individual donations", most of which are gathered on the INTERNET(!?) through the dangerous practice of "viral marketing." Simply read the term: VIRAL MARKETING. It correctly implies that Ron Paul is a virus and those who support him are prime carriers ranging from disgruntled anarchist-liberals who secretly desire to be(or be with) conservatives, all the way to libertarians so Kool-Aided out of their minds that their tongues are forever stained by Red Dye #5.

It's common knowledge that ANY Internet support translates to: "Coo-coo! Coo-coo!" The Internet is run by people who believe the holocaust, 9/11, and Jesus never existed! Paul's popularity only goes to show you just how many insane types there really are out there.

Ernst Gennero of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies knows that, "America can't afford to have a President controlled by the whims of a bunch of people. It would threaten the very democracy we hold dear. What America needs is someone like a Bush or Giuliani. A president who can stand up to the American people when they don't know what's good for them, or in this case, when they've gone 100% bat-s**t crazy."

On the aesthetic front, everyone knows he's too thin. A presidential candidate can be healthy, but the line is crossed when he can officially be referred to as "svelte". When a politician is too thin people begin to ask questions about health, diet, and/or the possible use of illegal narcotics which is common amongst paranoid, conspiracy nut-jobs.

There's even a wild card in the mix of reasons why Ron Paul will never be sworn in as leader of the free-world: his two first names. Only 4 legitimate American Presidents in history have ever been elected with two first names as first and last name.*

Eventually the American people will come to the obvious conclusion that Ron Paul is as un-electable as any of the Democratic candidates out there, with the possible exception of liberal Senator Larry Craig(D-Idaho) who expressed an interest in running for President before being outed as a bathroom-gay.

* PLN will award copies of our DVD documentary "Death of a Hitler: The Saddam Hussein Story" to the first 5 people who can e-mail us the correct 4 LEGITIMATE American Presidents who were elected with two first names.

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - PROMO

2007-10-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

PLN - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ATLAS!! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-10-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

Atlas Shrugged the perennial, best selling classic of indisputable virtue is celebrating it's 50Th Anniversary this month! Literature aficionados across the globe are taking note as this widely celebrated, best loved, under-rated novel of biblical proportions turns the big five-oh. Rand may be gone, but her philosophy of Objectivism lives on in her proud followers. Ayn Rand enthusiasts will mark the occasion with a world wide toast to the book everyone agrees was her greatest achievement.

"This is going to be our biggest celebration yet," notes Carl Ubell, avid Objectivist. "Ayn hated parties so we're still keeping things pretty low-key, but that doesn't mean there isn't lots of rational fun to be had."

Core Objectivists get together every year to celebrate Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, and Objectivism. Some of their annual traditions include:

- Making Ayn's favorite recipes, and eating some of them.

- Dressing like characters from her novels.

- They also pass around an angora sweater owned by Rand, which many claim still carries her distinct scent, and sniff it for prosperity.

However, not everyone is celebrating. If you look really hard you'll find a few members of civilized society critical of Ms. Rand's work. Mark Casper is one of them. He describes himself as a "recovering Randroid" whatever that means.

"Ayn Rand is basically L. Ron Hubbard without the space fantasies," mocks Casper, "They're both authors which attract a very specific, lonely fringe of male society looking for answers as to why no one truly understands them. It's a cult."

"As anyone who sends away the free postcard in the back of any and all Ayn Rand books to Objectivism HQ will soon find out Objectivism is far from a cult. It's just a new way of thinking. A new vision of perfect morality," says Ron Donaldson whose 5 children are named Dominique, Howard, Dagny, John G., and Kira after characters from Rand's books. When asked whether it's awkward that 4 of their children are named after characters that have had sex with each other he responds, "Um...no cause...it was good for the story."

Don't just take his word for it. Simply mail in the post card you find in the back of every Ayn Rand book with your full, real name and address in order to get the undiluted truth about Objectivism. ARI will send you awesome Objectivism offers, updates, and info about the Ayn Rand Institute's College Scholarship Essay contest. If you can describe Ayn's novels better than anyone else you'll win a marginally generous scholarship to attend a university, although many believe you're better off just taking classes at the Institute. As one graduate put it, "ARI won't brainwash you like those liberal dunk-dank universities."

"The essay contest is a useful tool for introducing passionate young minds to Ayn's works," says leader of Objectivism and Rand's longtime friend and intellectual heir, Leonard Peikoff. Peikoff isn't just the final hanger on, a lookout-lad promoted to Captain before the ship sinks, as it were. He's a worthy intellectual heir if there ever was one.

"His books were so good, nobody even bothered to buy them," notes the young Ayn Rand institute janitor. "Where Ayn's philosophy was easily palatable to even the most irrational of the enemy, Leonard's are vastly more complex and perfect. That's why they're collector's items. It's not just cause they went out of print."

While anyone with a rational atom in their body loves Atlas Shrugged, many complain about the length of the book which clocks in at an intimidating 1,168 pages. Objectivists are quick to dismiss criticism of any kind, let alone about the book's length.

"Atlas Shrugged may be long, but it's RIGHT. How can anyone get TOO much right? There are probably other books out there that are, what, like...300 pages long, I'm guessing. How many of those pages contain irrefutable facts? How many of those books will tell you how to be the ideal human being? You get so much more truth per page in Atlas Shrugged than in most of that Shakespeare stuff that nobody can understand, anyway. Those 1,168 pages BREEZE right by...if you're a rational human being. She's so not the Leni Riefenstahl of books."

Recovering Randroid Casper begs to differ suggesting, "If you have a table and one of it's legs are really, really, really f**ked up, you could use Atlas Shrugged to even it out."

In preparation for tonight's festivities Ubell has been setting aside a number of dog-eared Atlas Shrugged copies he says are for "The Sacrifice". "Every year we round up all the copies of Atlas Shrugged that still have a dedication to Nathaniel Branden and burn them into oblivion." Nathaniel Branden was a covert irrationalist operative who gained access into Ayn Rand's inner circle, and eventually, vagina during the late 50's and 60's. When asked for further comment Ubell snapped quickly, "We don't talk about Branden. He took advantage of the small scraps of irrational emotions Ayn still had in her. Let's just...let's just focus on the book.(sigh)"

"I think the appeal is that Atlas Shrugged is an enormously challenging book," says Leonard Peikoff. "The story is gripping. It's exciting. It's a mystery, as she(Rand) said, and people want to see how the mystery is resolved."

:::SPOILER::: It's ultimately resolved when the top minds of society abandon any concept of social responsibility and leave the less advantaged to perish in worldwide hellfire-damnation while the elite create a utopian capitalist paradise in which to live out the rest of their ideal days is perfect white harmony.

We at PLN are celebrating Ayn Rand's remarkable achievement as well! This year, every PLN employee gets 2 free paperback copies of the 50th anniversary Edition of Atlas Shrugged with all new cover-art that promises to contain more steely resolve and gripping symbolism than any other before it. After mandatorialy finishing the book each employee will then be required to submit a one and a half page report along with a signed statement that you got through all 1,168 pages. There will also be cake.

PLN - FASCISM GRIPS CHILE BY STORM! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-10-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

Due to recent events it has become clear to the international community that the ghost of rabid communist dictator Salvador Allende still wisps through the streets of Chile. An activist Chilean judge has ordered the arrest of the wife of former respected dignitary Augusto Pinochet, and his 5 children. Also caught up in the far-left dragnet were 17 other Pinochet associates. Pinochet's wife and children were taken by rebel-caravan to the local stadium where they will await questioning. There are rumors that Mrs. Pinochet was taken to a secret military dungeon.

The judges "case" stems from the claims of many supporters of disgraced President Salvador Allende who was subject to a successful regime change when Pinochet democratically wrestled power away from him on Sept. 11th, 1973. Those wishing to see Chile sink again into the putrid depths of an all out communist pit of never ending economic and moral abysmallity have cleverly suggested that the Pinochets and their associates allegedly illegally hid 27 million dollars of public funds in American Bank accounts.

Astute analysts believe that the 27 million dollars was a trap set in motion by Allende on his way out the door. Dirk Allen Rector of the International Monetary Disbursement Bureau explains, "Allende basically planted these bank accounts on Pinochet in order to get back at him for successfully bringing an end to Chile's long nightmare of the Allende Presidency."

Chileans can feel their fragile democracy slipping away more and more by the second. "This is the REAL national nightmare. These leftists will start with the Pinochets and soon they'll be rounding up innocent people and shooting them in the streets. We need to stop this now! We need to root out these subversives!" says innocent Chilean businessman Bolivio Palacios. "They're making up these stories! Why would Pinochet put his money in an American bank? Pinochet had nothing to do with America!"

Guerrilla judge Judge Carlos Cerda said he ordered the arrests because of "solid indications that they had participated in the misuse of fiscal funds," during Pinochet's 1973-90 presidency. The judge fails to mention the millions upon possible billions Allende stole from Chile in the form of his radical communist policies.

Allende apologist and current Chilean President Michelle Bachelet said, "No one in Chile is above the law." Most observers admit that this could be a coded directive to the radical left wing of the Chilean military to start rounding up ALL Chileans who disagree with Bachelet's hard-line tactics.

Many had compared Pinochet to Myanmar's famous jailed hero Aung San Suu Kyi before his death as a political prisoner in 2006. Director of the Policy Alliance Institute Greg Allan Randal explains, "Pinochet and Suu Kyi are both heroic patriots who believed in freedom for all freedom-loving people. Both were placed under house arrest toward the end of their lives for devoting themselves to the fight against fascist regimes. And, both were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Now, Pinochet's family is carrying on his great legacy."

Looks like after we finish off Chavez the United States military might want to, once and for all, liberate Chile from the clutches of it's communist past.

PLN - HILLARY UNVEILS SECRETIVE CUBAN STYLE HEALTH CARE PLAN - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-10-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

The bread is crisp, the cheese is melted. The pickles are thin, the mojo is flo-jo. Ham, pork, and the perfect layer of mustard. The Cuban style sandwich,The Cuban cigar, and Cuban U.S. run military prisons. Some things you just can't hate about Cuba. Then there's the Cuban health care system.

Ever since Michael Moore decided to take on the health insurance industry with his film "Sicko" liberals have been running around like a bunch of angry geese, snapping their beaks and hissing about their "plans" to nationalize America's unique pay to play health care system.

The plan which has received the most amount of attention, thanks to a liberal-run mainstream media with orders to ensure an easy victory for Hillary in '08, has been Sen. Clinton's. Her "Health Care" plan hark-ens back to the same plan she tried to force-feed the American people when she was first lady.

"Maybe if Hillary wasn't so busy trying to Leninize our children's health services," says Jim Forrester of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies, "her husband might never have been impeached...if you know what I mean...blow-jobs."

According to Hillary's estimates, her health care plan will cost $110 Billion dollars per year!? Figures like this have E. Ted Grainer of the United Defense Subcontractors Association stunned to near blindness. "Look around the world in which we live today. You've got huge swatches of non-democratic countries all over the globe. Think of how much Democracy you could spread with $110 Billion dollars. She just wants to use it for band aids and crap?"

Unfortunately all health care experts are saying that Hillary comes across more like Nurse Ratched than Susan B. Anthony.

Clinton made her broken record record for repeated lies when she ironically proclaimed that her health care plan would not be government run, but would somehow extend health care giveaways to 47 million Americans who now CLAIM to be without health care.

Forrester points out, "This is clearly an extension of what she tried to do during her husband's wicked administration and failed to: a complete Chino-Cuban takeover of America's sacred free-market system."

A bullet-point run through of Clinton's plan reveals her true leanings:

- She demands that businesses force health insurance on their employees.

- She promised to raise taxes on the rich, essentially making their lives more unhealthy so that those who've chosen a less fortunate path can live out their luckless lives for that many more painful years or months, usually days.

- She coined a new phrase as the centerpiece of her campaign, "individual mandate" which is a leftist codeword for, "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Although Clinton emphatically catapults the assertion that her plan will not be Government-run, she makes no mention of WHO exactly WILL run the health care system she's envisioned. What Clinton fails to illustrate, PLN's own investigative reporter Fred Mendel has uncovered as something we're not going to believe.

"You're not going to BELIEVE this!" shouts Mendel. "Based on recently released secret documents, Hillary actually plans to funnel money for her so called health care plan through a front group run by the very same world-wide satanic lesbian cult that pulls her strings from behind closed doors: The Sisterhood."

This document was released to the public by the non-profit National Security Defense Archive in conjunction with the new book titled The Hillary File: A Declassified Dossier of Mendacity and Culpability. Here is the definitive proof, as written out on a bar napkin in Hillary's own handwriting:

Note the sloppy wine stains.

Mendel points out the full litany of facts in his new hour-long special "You're STILL Not Going To Believe This!!" which will air tonight at 8pm, then repeated at 10pm and various times throughout the night ONLY on PLN.

Mendel will take us on a behind the scenes tour of the underground cult which claims it has, "as many members as their are women." Many experts have called "The Sisterhood" a real life version of "Skull and Bones", the cult which George W. Bush was never truly identified as a being a member of. Mendel will take us across the globe to places where "The Sisterhood" is gaining strength like:

England:

France:

and South America:

He'll even show us rare photos from Hillary's bizarre initiation ceremony:

Mendel will explore the unique interlinking edicts that make up the Global Sisterhood Movement. "Each member of the Sisterhood believes in the destruction of capitalism, rule of women for women and only women, and they all share the desire to eliminate males of all genders through various subtle extermination tactics."

The special will surely point out that being a part of The Sisterhood is far more than simply mailing your "special pants" to girlfriends all across the globe, and far more dangerous.

PLN - PATRIOTIC WHALES TAKE ONE FOR NATIONAL SECURITY - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:25:00.002-07:00

A federal appeals court panel ruled in favor of National Security recently by allowing the U.S. Navy to conduct necessary, high powered sonar exercises off the coast of Southern California. The swift, logical reversal of an activist judge's order to ban the practice has prompted liberal subversionists to try and halt the protection of innocent American lives in the name of environmentalism.

The National Resource Defense Council, a sister group of the ACLU and Klu Klux Klan, has all ready filed a borderline-terrorist lawsuit to halt the use of a defense sonar which has currently been patented by the U.S. Armed Forces under the name of "Freedom Waves". The NRDC claims that the sonar, which lobs underwater sound bursts, is so loud that it actually kills whales.

Patriotic 9th Circuit Court of Appeals judge Andrew Klienfeld spoke for the majority of Americans stating, "The public does have a very considerable interest in preserving...relatively scarce whales." However, he explained his support for the sonar tests stating, "We are engaged in a war in two countries."

What many so-called environmentalists fail to point out is fact that whales have sonars of their own which can give the Navy sonars a run for their money. In fact, many see the underwater sonar tests as a form of instant karma for whales. Naval engineer Thomas Gordon explains, "Whales f**k with our sonars ALL THE TIME. You have no idea what it's like being involved in a high stakes National Security sonar drill and you can't hear anything because a couple of whales are talking about some useless bulls**t."

Experts in all fields are advising Americans, who are more concerned with fighting 9-11 than sucking up to some over-sized fish, not to take all their anger out on the whales. Based on careful consideration their anger should be directed toward groups like the NRDC and it's co-horts like Code-Pink and the Esalen Institute. Frustrated citizen Al Paulo shakes his head and mourns, "We know it isn't the whales who are undermining National Security, but you can't help but get mad at them just the same." Paulo then proceeded to throw his hat on the ground and kick it twice.

PLN's own ecological expert Fran Barlson gives a more level headed explanation of why the whales actually BENEFIT from high powered sonar testing, "If it's in the best interest of American National Security, it's in the best interests of whale security. America is the only country that would ever allow groups like the NRDC and Greenpeace to exist. If this world were suffering under global fundamental Islamic rule, as most liberals would have it, whales would be used from baleen to blowhole for every atom of every ounce of sweet whale fat, meat, and bone to keep the savage roving tribes warm for one more hedonistic night. Any whales that die from these sonar tests? Heroes."

In the light of all that evidence, the NRDC still vows to expend all their energy to see to it that Osama Bin Laden and Al-Qaeda in Iraq have a free and easy ocean pathway to American shores by coining fancy whale-death buzzwords like "acoustic trauma" and "mass strandings".

Barlson retorts, "If they're expecting to see dead whales crowd the shores like zombie-Grunion, that's just not going to happen. Not that they wouldn't love it if it did. Everybody knows that nothing makes an environmentalist feel more self satisfied than a bunch of dead whales."

PLN - BIN LADEN, OLDER - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone on the street wants to know: Have you seen the video? What was he wearing? Is he still mad at us? And, ultimately: Can Bin Laden make a comeback, or is too late?

Bin Laden and his agent aren't the only ones pulling for a comeback this year. The whole Muslim world, tired of Muqtada Al Sadr's stale jams and jacked up teeth, are clamoring for someone to step in and say, "Here I am. Now is the moment. I'm ready for my close up."

With a new video and companion audio recording Bin Laden feels like it's really HIS time again. His last video was released in 2004 and his most recent audio single was cut in June 2006.

Many in the industry were worried that Bin Laden would never record again, but now it looks like these new tracks are a promise of things to come. Critics are calling Bin Laden's most recent work reminiscent of George Micheal's comeback attempt with the album "Older", released in 1996. He's got a new look, a softer message, and it's very much crafted, understated, and ultimately unsatisfying.

In the video Bin Laden calls for young Muslims to follow his example which shows he's keen on the attracting the youth audience which is so important for mainstream, world-wide success. In an earlier video, which many believe he released as a trailer for the new recording, Bin Laden urged Americans to convert to Islam, and proceeded to mock American ways of life including: Capitalism, Democracy, and financial and military assistance to countries who stay in line.

"This video isn't simply an appeal to his rabid Muslim base in the Middle East. It's a call to all the supporters of Bin Laden in white countries like Great Britain, America, and in some cases Australia. It's a call to all the Tim Robbins's and the Warren Beatty's to get their far left flocks in line to subvert the American system of freedom and security," notes PLN National Security Adviser Kern Smith.

Lately, Bin Laden has been marginalized by the sympathetic liberal media. Many have called him a merely "symbolic figure", a "patsy", and "so yesterday". Even George W. Bush himself said he, "wasn't that concerned with him." PLN's Cultural Affairs reporter Harvey Lortz sums up his predicament, "It got old. He need to take a break, change his look, spend a little more time with his Kabbalah or whatever. You'll notice his new beard is getting rave reviews. Laden's obviously saying, "Look at me. I may be hooked up a dialysis machine in a cave somewhere, but you know something, no little gray hair's gonna give me the blues."

The fact that Bin Laden didn't move much in the video has prompted some to ask questions about his health. Experts have commented that Bin Laden looks, "plugged in", a reference either to his dependency on dialysis machines or his widening influence on a growing number of angry Middle Easterners.

What a number of analysts find interesting about Bin Laden's latest PR blitz is the fact that he didn't release his product through his usual venue, Terrorist News Station Al-Jazerra, instead allowing his fans to download it straight from the internet through various Muslim related web pages like Youtube.

Only time will tell whether or not Bin Laden's got the goods to extend his run into his later years ala Kylie Minogue or if he will fade into obscurity like the Sandy Dennis, Gloria Estephan, or Selena(Seriously, what ever happened to her?).

Lortz points out the easiest way Bin Laden could put himself back on the map. "Turn yourself in. Look, The President still has at least two years left to find Bin Laden, so he should just turn himself in and use that momentum to do a little touring."

No matter if his popularity is up or down he's clearly the most popular Bin Laden, which is just how Bin Laden likes it. "If you go to Wikipedia and type in "Bin Laden" it doesn't exactly ask you if you meant Geoffrey Bin Laden," says Lortz. "Bin Laden has what psychologists call the "38th Child Syndrome". It's a deep need for approval which manifests itself in acting out violently towards innocent people such as Israel and it's supporters. This is clearly a guy who's in it to win it, stay on top, and at the same time destroy freedom as we know it."

Its just the right combination to make everybody ask: What WILL he do next?!

PLN - LIBERALS AFRAID OF HARMLESS LAZERS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

Imagine the scenario: Angry illegal immigrants swarm the streets stealing jobs, raping freedoms, and leaving a trail of tall-can Modelos in their economically destructive path. It's something Buck Stillweather of the Alpha Division of the Arizona Minutemen sees everyday.

"Tell ya what," says Stillweather, "them crowd control gun rays is the sure-fire thing we need out here on the border! We need one of them GIANT border control death rays...gun ray, or whatever it is. Yeah, death ray."

Actually it's not really a "death ray" as Stillweather has been fooled by violent space operas like "Star Wars" into believing. Buck has simply allowed himself to be manipulated by propaganda giants like Hollywood liberal George Lucas and his pals Joseph Campbell and totalitarian Bill Moyers.

What Stillweather was referring to is America's patented Active Denial System(ADS), a 100 percent non-lethal, humane, and peaceful crowd control device developed by the Pentagon at a cost of $62 million dollars.

Nestled atop overly armored Humvees the Active Denial System omits a millimeter-thick ray that makes evil doers feel like they've been touched by an invisible beam, and that their skin is "on fire". As long as they're not holding any metal objects they should be just fine. The worst things that Active Denial Systems can do to a terroist include such uncommon reactions as burning, scarring, and blindness in varying degrees depending upon where the beam hits and how much metal you happen to be carrying at the time.

"I've always said, 'Feeling like your skin is on fire is better than your skin actually being on fire,'" mused a recently retired Secretary of Defense in response to criticism of the Active Denial System. "Besides, it's a millimeter wave! That's the smallest measurement on the ruler for Pete's sake."

Pentagon spokesperson W.S. Gainsworth pointed out the much celebrated fact that, "We've managed to pinpoint the happy median between psychological and physical torture. Essentially it's like a torture device, but without any of the actual torture."

Advanced Geneva conventionists will tell you that compared to what went on in Abu Ghraib, which wasn't actually torture, these crowd control rays will be like treating terrorists and dissenters to a gourmet meal followed by hot oil rub downs with all the trimmings.

Liberals, the ACLU, and a gang bang of Hollywood leftists have banded together to defend the rights of terrorists who target large crowds, anti-American demonstrators who undercut the Democratic way of life, and illegal Mexicans.

Because of the left's strong-arm influence on every aspect of American life, the Pentagon has postponed the use of Active Denial Systems thereby guaranteeing a marked decrease in the quality of life for freedom loving people throughout the world. Economists, attempting to make the most out of a defeatist situation, have suggested selling the ADS Humvees to Chile, Saudi Arabia, or some other country that actually has the balls to keep a crowd in it's place.

All senior and junior military analysts agree in conjunction with one another that America would have had the Iraq War wrapped up in a standard sized gift basket with enough time and man power to deal with the rapidly spreading "Venezuelan Problem" if only we'd used the Active Denial System from the get-go.

A top graduate of the prestigious School of the Americas points out, "America used ADS systems in the Panamanian War, only then they were 50 times stronger. You didn't see nobody complaining at that time. We cut houses right in half. I swear, it was like ants under a magnifying glass. See how easy that war was? And, that was in the 1980's! Good days, my friend."

It's only a matter of time before the far left in this country understands that we're cutting them a break. As Gainsworth astutely points out, "ADS makes sense. Someone who thinks they're on fire is a lot happier than someone with bullets inside of them. It's simple math." The best way for honorary Russians like Tim Robbins, Chevy Chase, and Whoopi Goldberg to understand the truth about ADS is to step up an take a shot for themselves.

Trust us: It only FEELS like it hurts.

PLN - CHUPACABRA: ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET?

2007-09-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

Toys Of Terror

"I bought my child an Easy Bake Oven that almost melted his G*d damn face off!" cried concerned parent Dutch O'Neill in regard to a dangerous, slave assembled part of China's conspiracy to commit global genocide against the civilized capitalist world. All evidence points to the fact that China is attempting to wipe out an entire generation of American children with high levels of the multi-toxic lead paint with which it uses to make popular toys for sale in the United States and other freedom loving countries.

A massive recall has been issued for over 1 million Chinese made toys, worldwide, for a diverse variety of unmet safety standards including:

- Barbie clothes that melt into a noxious green goo when contacted by sunlight.

- Toy guns that fire potentially fatal, live rounds of ammunition.

- Face melting Easy Bake Ovens.

American consumers, sparked by a patriotic sense of activism have begun a boycott of Chinese products. Father of children Dutch O'Neill explains, "The first time it happened I thought, 'Well, it's slave labor, so I'll just let it slide.' The next two times I was like, 'No way!' Then after the sixth injury we decided to quit buying Chinese made toys."

Along with the health of an entire generation of children, American business faces catastrophic consequences as a result of China's unprovoked attack. Toy maker Mattel is reaping massive condemnation from unpatriotic citizens who blame America first when we're attacked by terrorists and foreigners. "They used toys like Bin Laden used air planes," a prime spokesperson for the State Department was quoted as saying. "Of course many are going to play politics as usual and support terrorists, but we know an act of war when we see one."

In response to the uncovering of their massive plot, the Chinese government went on the offensive by highlighting several "quality issues" they've had with American products entering their country. China claims it has found microscopic worms inside wooden packaging from the United States as well as "substandard vitamins" for "children".

Global export/import expert Joe Kral explained China's obviously insane state of desperation stating, "Look, the worms they found were microscopic which means they had to look pretty damn hard to even find them. Besides, microscopic worms aren't going to electrocute any children when they turn them on like so many of the Dora the Explorer lamps that were manufactured in China from mid 2006 to August 2007."

Many child psychologists fault China for turning so many of our beloved childhood icons into brightly colored messengers of death and injury. "I remember a time when Barbie Dolls weren't an instrument of global holocaust," recalls Agnes Rose, a lifelong collector of Mattel products. "Now, it seems like you can't buy anything for your children that doesn't poison, shock, or potentially asphyxiate them. I miss the good old days. F**k China."

As for the charge of "substandard vitamins", China may have even more explaining to do. Less than 8 percent of all Chinese herbal remedies sold over the Internet have proven to produce the desired pheremonal results advertised. "They've been ripping us off in vitamins for years," recalls Del Smith who runs GongwatchUSA.com, a non profit organization committed to rooting out acts of Chinese retail terrorism. "This whole toy thing is going to rip the covers off one of the biggest threats to our Earth's population ever: trade with China. It goes deeper than anyone can even imagine. From Rhino Horn cut with chalk powder to Ginseng containing less than half it's marketed potency levels, the Chinese should be the last to complain about lackluster nutritional supplements."

Even online conspiracy theorists have had their crack at the China story. One eager youngster who blogs under the name of "Gregor" made an interesting case in regard to China's sad history of economic terrorism stating emphatically, "I have conclusive proof that the blood thirsty Chupacabra of Mexico is most likely a rat so horribly mutated by the deplorable conditions on Chinese shipping boats they ate the crew, steered the ship toward land, and grounded in Mexico where they've continued to rampage-bloody up to this very day."

Chinacabra: Simulated Depiction

Many are saying that the solution to this problem is not to cut off trade with China, but for China to either lower their prices significantly over the next few years and months or face possible consequences. With unanimous, across the board support of a world community torn apart by Chinese products America had considered using military force, but has settled on a more diplomatic option.

"If China perhaps were to forgive the 321 billion dollars we owe them in debt," observes an unnamed State Department official, "maybe we'll look the other way."

Katie Davis, near collapse, pays a steep price for her love of toys.

PLN - STRENGTH THROUGH ACTUAL STRENGTH - PRIME TOP STORY

2007-09-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

"When I first saw the pictures I went like, 'Oh My God!' (sigh)", was fifteen year old Kaitlynn Dryer's reaction when she opened up her copy of Teen Weekly to be confronted with topless pictures of stern, supple Russian leader Vladimir Putin.

Putin was photographed on a vacation in the Siberian mountains with Prince Albert II of Monaco. The shoot took a turn for the manly, as shirts were abandoned and it became something of a "coming out" for Putin as a model of Aryan perfection.

The pictures of the fishing trip, however, were just the beginning. Next week the 2008 Vladamir Putin calendar goes on mandatory sale in Russia. Everyone will be lining up to buy them tomorrow because they simply have to, by law.

The calendar promises to be a departure for Putin. In addition to more fishing shots there will also be stills of:

- Putin as a firefighter

- Putin as an open-collard pirate

- Putin the topless chemist

Other outfits and locations are being placed under heavy secrecy, but there's talk of possible "Farmer Putin", "Zorro Putin", and "Putin the American Police Officer" photos as well. The information was released on the internet, but the Russian sources have been declared missing as of 20 minutes after posting the breaking news.

As a bonus feature each section of the Putin 2008 calendar can be torn out and placed easily into any locker, cubicle, or auto repair shop.

With Putin so hot, out there, and easily accessible he's really taking the ex-KGB strongman vibe to a whole new level. This month Putin might end up being on more magazine covers than Brittany, Paris, and Nicole Richie combined. Putin's Men's Health magazine cover story will coincide with a Time Magazine cover story about his possible role in the murders of several well known dissidents most notably Russian spy, and former lover to George Soros, Alexander Litvinenko and nosy unembedded reporter Anna Politkovskaya.

Some paranoid over-observers believe that Putin's show of physical strength is actually a symbolic presentation of political power. Putin's critics say his latest round of super hot pictures show a defiant Putin, not ready to step down from power as he's set to do next year. His critics also go so far as to accuse Putin of having both Politkovskaya and Litvinenko murdered because they were critical of his administration.

A spokesperson for the Putin administration shrugged off the obviously slanderous accusations stating, "It's false! Anyone who knows anything about cloak and dagger operations which are used to silence overzealous traitors knows that Putin would never have enough time to build firm, solid chest muscles and plot covert murder at the same time. Let alone with the time he must spend on his upper arms!"

Putin's supporters see the backlash against their leader's stellar photo shoot as more an issue of jealousy than political concern. "People are coming up with all these rumors, stories, and fictions to try and discredit Putin, for what? They are jealous. They are jealous of Putin's physical prowess, evenhanded leadership, and vein laid-en forearms. They are trying to bring down this gorgeous man so adored by pre-pubescent girls and people the world over."

As for high school student Kaitlynn Dryer, she's made up her mind. "Putin's hot. I think he should be leader of the whole world. I'd totally vote for him."

PLN - FRANCE ECLAIRS WAR ON IRAN! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

In an act of blockbuster diplomacy France's brave new President Nicolas Sarkozy called for swift, unilateral, and/or nuclear military action against the terrorist nation of Iran. Out of evolutionary cowardice, however, the clearly French President didn't say whether or not his country would participate in such an imminent, morally justified action.

American patriots are breathing a sigh of relief as Sarkozy turns out to be a Frenchy they can finally deal with. Earl Hutcherson calls it like it is from his front porch saying, "Chir-ac was just one of them bad apples. If we can get a couple more Sarkozys in Congress and Latin America we might end up living in a peaceful world after all."

Senior Pentagon spokesperson Ed Randal took the level headed position in his assessment of a possible war against Iran stating, "Iran is almost ALL radical Islamics...Islamis. You know what I mean. There are zero Iranian civilians left who aren't rabid extremists in the mold of Bin Laden, Moussaoui, and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez."

Foreign policy experts called everyone they know and love inside Iran and have told them to get out after Sarkozy took his bold stand. "Right now Iran is wringing yellow liquid out of it's socks," continues Hutcherson, "If the French want your ass on a plate, you KNOW you must have done something wrong. Anyone with electricity will tell you that a French green light basically gives the United States the "Go Ahead!" it demands to launch a full scale blitz on the whole of Iran."

A recently retired Secretary of Defense stated in regard to the issue, "Getting France on board is like having the U.N., Butros Gali, and the whole Dali Lama crowd all in one. Bombs away."

Some are saying that Sarkozy's "rhetoric" comes from "out of the bleu", and have gone so crazy as to criticize Sarkozy for his strength and resolve in the face of a sure-fire Islamotastrophe.

As Sarkozy made his historic remarks his popularity amongst the people of France has soared to heights of 60%-70% approval.

President Bush weighed in on Sarkozy's grand testimony profoundly stating, "This guy...sorry. Fella. This fella, Sarkozy, is a fella committed to something that I think is...um...very...worth while, uh, and that's Middle East peace process. Which of course is, uh, can only be achieved by rooting out all Al Qaeda terrorists like Zarqawi and 9-11."

Sarkozy even went the extra mile to suggest that France might actually end up being "OK" with the war in Iraq if America cleans Iran's clock in an orderly fashion.

While still a stubborn believer in so called "global warming", Sarkozy seems to have taken an even and honest approach toward every other issue.

Looks like we might finally be able to meet our old friends half way with the reinstatement of "French Freedom Fries."

PLN READER CORRECTION CORRECTIONS

2007-09-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

PLN READER COMMENTS ON CHAVEZ BULLETIN "ERRORS"

Problems with your bulletin

A) In the past 7 years Hugo Chavez has won 10 free and fair democratic elections

PLN says: If Hugo Chavez is such a big election winner, why does he want to do away with elections? Seems he'd want to have more if he's 7 for 10, as you say he is.

B) In 2001 Camorna came to power in a milatary Coup De Ta where they kidnapped Chavez - CAMORNA HAS NEVER WON AN ELECTION IN VENEZUELA

PLN: He may never have won an "election" in Venezuela, but he won the hearts of the people.

C) This coup was backed by the true tyrants of freedom in central America the United States of America

PLN: Wow. Maybe there are a few freedom haters in Central America, but come on. North America is Freedom Central, everybody knows that.

D) Chavez is a socialist he taxes the riches and gives better amenities to the poor - the complete opposite of Pinochet who was again supported by USA

PLN: Chavez is a communist. He taxes the rich, and fattens up the poor so he can eat them later. All communists have been proven evil by natural laws, scientists, theologians, and special interest groups. As for Pinochet, his only problem was not expanding Operation Condor into Venezuela to root out Chavez in his teens.

E) Under Chavez Venezuela has been involved in ZERO military conflicts

PLN: But he refused to send troops to Iraq, so in that way he's supporting terrorism.

F) The only opposition to Chavez is the rich who suffer from higher taxes and American oil corporations who were kicked out when he nationalized the oil industry.

PLN: You forgot to mention the civilized world.

G) Venezuela, if you had ever bothered to go, has complete freedom of speech. One section of the media calls him a Nazi another a Communist the others a national hero.

PLN: At least some of the Venezuelan media are allowed to tell the truth. Hopefully they can keep their identities under wraps, therefore live another month.

---- one piece of advice by so troubled propagandist never believe what the American government spews up on fox news and always check allegations with genuine evidence; the rich control the media the poor control the elected government -------
PEACE

PLN: ----But, the rich also control the poor, so where does that leave you? Please keep making Prime Legitimate News your ONLY source for even and honest news, all the time!
PEACE, at what price?
The PLN News Team

PLN - SEN. CRAIG FRAMED BY VERY GAY COPS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:13:00.001-07:00

This sort of thing happens all the time and it often sweeps up members of the highest echelon of society. Gay cops, prowling for man-sex in public places, accidentally hit on a prominent law-abiding member of society thereby setting off a chain reaction that alters legitimate lives in rather unfortunate ways. The pervert cops panic when confronted by a well respected law maker. Not wanting to be caught and fired for hitting on strange men, they orchestrate an elaborate plot to turn the tables on the very person they've all ready victimized. Confusing? That's just how these criminal police officers want it to seem.

It all happened like this: Idaho Senator Larry Craig was in the airport making his daily check on National Security in a post 9-11 world when he suddenly needed to take a sit-down piss. When Craig entered the random airport bathroom he saw this cop with a HUGE mustache staring at him from an adjacent stall as though he were one of those "types". Craig chose the stall next to the shifty character in order to monitor his actions. They were, after all, inside an airport in a post 9-11 world.

As Congressman Craig began to feel watched by the perpetrator he became nervous thereby increasing the width of his stance which is the scientifically proven instinctual behavior of all primates in peril. The gay cop then tried to turn an innocent man's right to personal space into a game of "footsie". This is when Senator Craig lost control. He knew he either had to bolt fast, or risk fatally subduing this airport pervert with a judo throw into the bathroom mirrors.

The disgraced officer in the stall next to him panicked when confronted by Craig's swift resolve. Feeling trapped he decided to turn the tables and scare Craig, who was ready to throw down, by showing him his police officer business card.

"These guys thought, 'Holy crap, this man's a senator. He'll bust us for sure. Let's make it look like we're arresting him!'" observes PLN crime psychologist Philip Rice.

The officer put up an amazingly professional front calling the situation an "undercover investigation" when confronted with Craig's true identity of a crime fighting lawmaker, which Craig revealed in pitch perfect Dirty Harry fashion as he took out one of his own congressional business cards and said through gritted teeth, "What do you think about that?"

Rice explains, "This cop tried to say, 'Look, I'm a cop too. Don't get me in trouble.' When he saw that Senator Craig wasn't going to take no guff, that's when the real trouble began."

At first Craig tried to let the crooked cops off the hook stating that the whole thing was just a, "he said/he said misunderstanding." When the officers attempted to make a criminal out of Craig, he stopped being Mr. Nice Guy. In a fit of rage Senator Craig accidentally pled guilty to "lewd conduct" which he explained stating, "When I said 'guilty', I thought we were talking about those cops. They were in it to get me one way or another from the second I entered that bathroom. Everybody knows that."

Everybody who's not inundated by the slanderous liberal media might know the truth, but if you were to take their story word for word you'd think that Senator Craig had donkey-punched 8 blind boy-scouts in a burning shack. All experts agree that the liberals saw Larry Craig as a top Presidential contender in 2012, as well as a possible Vice Presidential nominee if Mitt Romney were to win the Republican nomination for President in 2008. He needed to be brought down, and slander was the only way they could do it. Many see this as a possible set up by Hillary Clinton's covert "Secret Police" as revenge for Senator Craig's scathing indictment of sex fiend Bill Clinton's White House miscumduct.

Senator Craig might have to put his future political prospects on hold for the time being so he can, aside from spending more time with his family, bring down the renegade homosexual fringe of law enforcement so hell bent on misusing their powers and American tax dollars to spread the Gay Agenda.

The guilty officers also managed to extort $575 from Craig in the form of so called "fines" and "fees". Craig will also be put under a year long probation which many have called "legalized stalking". Legal analysts are saying, "These sado-fascist cops can basically call up Craig anytime they want to "check" on him. They've basically made a sex slave of this man for 365 days. If he wasn't gay before..."

PLN - PLN KNOWZ WHERE DA PARTY AT, BRATCH - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

West Virginia University won the top spot in this year's Princeton Review annual list of the top 20 party schools. WVU is celebrating the 7th time in the last 15 years that the school's been voted into the top 20.

Student Ashley "Smash" Jenkins explains the reasons why, "Whatever you want is here. Every scene, it's all here, every night. Who are you with?"

When I told her I was with PLN she seemed impressed, but I could tell she hadn't seen me on TV yet. I gave her my personal Myspace. I'm sure she'll check it out. It's all about being in the right place at the right time.

Putting this year's contest into perspective one celebratory student who goes by the name of "Gornt" stated, "This is huuuuuuuge! We haven't been number one since 1997!" Last year WVU took bronze as the University of Austin, TX won the gold. Austin University student Darrin "Force" Bittner mourned loudly, "I can't believe we lost to those pussies!" He then broke down into tears, "We did so much last year. So much."

Of course the incoming WVU Dean had to put up a professional front stating, "I'm sure the students have important issues on their minds like the excellent year they have ahead of them and their futures in the gl--," The new Dean was interrupted as a flaming brick crashed through his office window. After stomping out the quickly spreading flames his veneer broke a bit. "Jesus! Have you had a chance to talk to last year's Dean? Yeah, cause he can't talk anymore. These kids took the piss completely out of him. What happened to that man, his family, daughters...pets...stock portfolio. The students left nothing of that man."

When I asked for further proof of lower standards for student behavior the Dean produced a picture:

"It's what young people call a beer bong. The problem is that this was built by our top engineering student. It was his thesis. If this is the future of America, I'm moving to Iraq."

I had to leave the Dean's office. He was starting to bum me out, and besides I had a meeting with "Smash" in order to further discuss some school stuff. She led me into her dorm room which was decorated by what seemed like the thousands of Mardi Gras beads she's accumulated during her first 3 months of attendance at WVU.

"I go to class when I feel like it cause it's totally chill here. Most of the god damn teachers are so f**king wasted off their asses anyways, you know like...(breaks into laughter) (snorts) I can't believe I just did that! (snorts again) Holy shit!"

She went on to share some of the copyrighted WVU party practices which helped win them the gold this year including:

- Rohypnol Parties: Wild parties in which admission is granted only after each person has ingested at least 2 doses of the popular recreational drug.

- Mascot Sexual Humiliation: In which a rival mascot is kidnapped, photographed and videotaped in several sexually compromising situations. A MySpace is then created to showcase the images and videos.

- Condom Swapping: No student seems willing to answer questions about this one, offering only the advice that I should, "Try it, for serious."

I was able to catch up with the only member of the Campus Christian Club in order to get his take on the WVU experience. He was glad to talk to someone. "The only reason you're talking to me now is cause I registered for that club on the first day of school. Right when I did that I was hooded and driven to this house. I've been chained to this refrigerator for 32 days. I'm relieved someone found me."

PLN refused to release the student, not wanting to interfere with centuries-old fraternal practices. He was found 2 days later buried in the Dean's back yard. The Dean couldn't help but complain about it, "The pranks at this school have gone from ludicrous to capitally criminal. I demand a stop to this barbarism!"

Back at the dorm Smash took a hit off her mardi gras bead covered bong and exhaled while saying, "Whatevers. The Dean's got a bug way up his ass. That Jesus dude was asking for it. I hear they don't even snort coke."

The records are published in the 2008 edition of "The Best 366 Colleges" based on a wide ranging survey taken during the 2006-2007 school year.

Special thanks to Smash.

PLN - IRAQI PM TAKES BLAME FOR IRAQ WAR - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

Iraqi PM Takes Blame For Iraq War

With all the heat and condemnation being heaped upon him by the world community, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has decided to take full responsibility for the catastrophe that is the war in Iraq.

Even by liberal standards al-Maliki has let down his people, the American people, and Democracy itself by not taking hold of the victory baton in the global relay race that is the War on Terror. In fact, the only people al-Maliki seems to be serving are the insurgents whom he lets run wildly through the streets like so many Spanish bulls.

Historians are all quick to point out that Nouri al-Maliki is a divider, not a uniter, and therefore is not at all like President Bush. Unlike Bush, al-Maliki has failed miserably in bringing about reconciliation between his country's political and ethnic factions. Iraqi Democracy expert Dave Peterson points it out clearly stating, "If President Bush had found a man more in his image to take power in Iraq, we wouldn't have all these problems today."

Amongst his many problems, half of al-Maliki's cabinet refuse to attend meetings. Half of the half that refuse to show up have resigned while the remaining quarter simply don't want to be in the same room together. One outside observer pointed out, "The half of his cabinet that does show up?...It's the shi**y half."

Even embattled Vice President Dick Cheney has predicted that the al-Maliki government is, "in it's last throes" which could mean he'll still be in power for years to come. Meanwhile, many have compared al-Maliki to such huge leadership failures as Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton if she were ever to be put in such a position in real-life politics.

The Iraqi Parliament will take up the matter of al-Maliki's removal when it comes back from it's summer break in November.

A majority of fair minded analysts are demanding that al-Maliki be replaced by Eyad Allawi who many will remember from his brief but stellar role as interim Iraqi Prime Minister. After Allawi paves the way for Ahmed Chalabi to become Iraq's next democratically elected leader, Iraq should be stable enough for the United States and it's massive coalition to begin a slow withdrawal of contractors, followed by the consideration of limited troop withdrawal.

Only then can someone on the Iraqi side earn the right to stand on one of their own air craft carriers and proclaim in what ever language they speak, "Mission Accomplished."

PLN - CHAVEZ BECOMES NEXT HITLER! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

Ready, Set, Hitler!

Unpredictable and dangerous Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has taken one final political step before officially becoming the next Adolph Hitler. In an unprecedented move the Venezuelan "Congress", made up of mostly shamans, witch doctors, and tribal chiefs appointed by Chavez, has given approval to allow Chavez to rule with an iron-spiked fist of global oppression for the next 7 years to the rest of his life. It's up to the free world to decide which will come first.

Chavez, who undemocratically wrestled power away from Constitutionally appointed President Pedro Carmona in 2002, claims the lifting of his term limits received, "majority approval." Oppressed members of the opposition predict the reforms will allow Chavez to emulate his heroes like Pinochet, Castro, and Genghis Khan.

Most Venezuelans, hungry for Democracy and freedom, mourn the latest actions by the Chavez government. One desperate street roaming vagrant screamed out, "With these new policies the true leader of Venezuela may never take his rightful place as President of our impoverished country! Long live Carmona!!"

Carmona, who replaced Chavez as President until some of the more cocaine-crazed members of Chavez's military restored their narco-terrorist leader back to power, was the author of the revolutionary "Carmona Decree". The Carmona Decree, had it been enacted, would have permanently rid the Western Hemisphere of Soros-funded, socialist dictators bent on attacking America.

The winds of change are truly blowing through the streets of Venezuela as the people begin organizing marches against the Chavez government, demanding Carmona's return to power. Public perception of Chavez turned sour when he used his rapidly expanding Presidential power to shut down an innocent TV news station whose only crime was standing up for democracy in a post 9-11 world.

PLN tyranny expert Ted Christie points out the obvious saying, "Imagine if America had a strong arm socialist like Al Gore as President and he shut down PLN. He just walks right into the Prime Legitimate News building and pulls the plug. All 28 stories go dark. Americans would riot in the m**her fu*king streets."

One of the few shirt-wearing members of the Venezuelan assembly, Ismael Garcia, argued that all political points of view must be represented in Venezuela. No word yet on whether Garcia will receive a stadium execution.

For the Venezuelan people there is only quiet hope. The most optimistic rumors place Carmona living amongst Venezuelan exiles in Miami, but as everyone suffering under Chavez's sadistic repression knows, he could very well be withering away in one of Venezuela's many state-run death camps.

No matter where he is, on the streets of Venezuela you can be sure of one thing. If you're very quiet you can hear the people's hearts crying out into the night, "Carmona."

PLN - LIGHTS OUT FOR PALESTINIAN TERRORISTS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

The Anti-Surge

The Palestinian citizens of Gaza had the festive opportunity to break out the candles and flashlights this week as their electricity had been shut off due to the actions of their terrorist government, Hamas. Responding to reports that Hamas has been siphoning off funds from aid shipments, the European electricity donors stopped all inflowing electro-aid.

"The message should be clear. Support terror, lose basic utilities," a European Union spokesperson said at press conference in Europe.

Residents of Gaza improvised playful games of musical houses, following the irregular power supply in order to charge their lap tops, cell phones, and dialysis machines.

The people who are truly reaping the benefits of this refreshing break from the norm are those who have electricity generators to sell. As one excited Gaza citizen told PLN, "If you have a generator, you basically own the goose that lays golden eggs. You are a king here. Your chances of scoring are higher than the 70% increase in the price of generators since last year."

The generator business is so brisk people like Mahmoud Zayyad, who owns a popular home supply shop gushed at the thought of all the profits to be gained stating, "We don't have enough generators. People need electricity. We need more generators!"

The lack of electricity goes to show Hamas that the civilized world will not deal with a terrorist government. The lesson here is: if you support terror, we will strike at the heart of your government by plunging it's people into prehistoric darkness.

A recently retired Secretary of Defense suggested that the Western world should take advantage of this unique opportunity saying, "Maybe while the lights are off, Israel can sneak in there and spruce the place up a bit."

Hamas has controlled the Israeli territorial portion of Gaza since it massacred Fatah forces there in June. The rabid terrorist group even went so far as to arrest the Fatah appointed electric company director on corruption charges, but the case doesn't hold water in the eyes of the national community since Gazan law demands that there needs to be at least one goat on the jury.

For now Gazans can enjoy the renewed appreciation for electricity that you can only feel when it's taken out of your life.

PLN - CANADA STARTS WORLD WAR III - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has recently completed a three day trip to the far North of the globe, and has pledged to spend billions of dollars(Canadian) in order to defend Canada's "national sovereignty" in the Arctic. All this grand standing comes one week after Russian submarines dropped a Russian flag on the floor of the Arctic Ocean.

All analysts agree that with tension running high in a freshly democratized Iraq, terrorists running wild in Afghanistan ever since the cut and runners started micro managing the War on Terror, and Iran being what it is, Canada should know better than to provoke Russia with unnecessary land grabs. Canada has even gone so far as to announce the construction of a massive underwater fort smack-dab in the middle this Arctic war-zone.

Meanwhile the Russians are defending the actions of the submarine crew stating, "Look, we may have dropped a flag. I think we may have also dropped some shirts and a couple of used magazines. The only things we're guilty of are loving sea exploration and littering. No more, perhaps less."

In order to quell any disputes America has sent in several teams of scientists, contractors, as well as private and public military personnel to the Arctic. The Americans will oversee the conflict as Canada, Russia, Venezuela, Norway, and long shot Denmark battle it out to gain control of the Arctic seabed that the U.S. Geological Society estimates contains as much as 25% of the world undiscovered oil and natural gas.

Spokesperson for the Canadian Prime Minister made a desperate effort to convince the world how much Canada had really loved "their" arctic seabed all along as he railed off a litany of liberal buzz words ranging from "environmental protection" to "resource based potential" and even playing the whole "national sovereignty" card. All the while Prime Minister Harper has begun what looks to be his own Blitzkrieg, increasing the size of his Arctic battleship fleet by 25% in order to eliminate all opposition.

A spokesperson for the US State Dept. asserts that, "Canada does not own the Arctic Northwest. These are neutral waters, and neutral waters are just that: neutral. These waters don't know who owns them. We, as Americans, simply want to make certain that which ever country ends up in complete control of the ice...shelf or whatever it is, is a stable Democracy."

Russians claim that because the ice shelf contains the Lomonosov ridge, a 1,240 mountain range extending from the Eurasian continent, that the land is theirs under international law. By that same logic the Bering Straight is part of Alaska therefore Russia is U.S. territory.

The reason for the sudden influx in interest in this spicy piece of real estate stems from one of the many hidden benefits of global warming. As global warming melts the Northwest Passage, sweet slices of oil-packed land become exposed. The rapid melting will also create a an attractive shipping route, a new Panama Canal of sorts, through which commercial ships can shave 2,480 miles of their trips from Europe to Asia.

Since America has had a hugely successful history as guardian of the Panama canal, it only seems natural that we oversee the New Alaskan canal as well. Heck, we might even make it our 51st state!

PLN - THE REAL NARCO-TERRORISTS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

In a move that rivals the British tea tax of 1773, liberals in the rogue state of California have moved to increase the tax on popular flavored malt beverages like Zima, Smirnoff Ice, and Smirnoff Ice Triple Black from 20 cents a gallon to a whopping $3.30 per gallon! The idea is to punish the manufacturers of the drinks for supposedly marketing the beverages to children. The tax increase will take effect in July 2008.

Proponents of the move to more than double the tax on these zesty beverages believe that adding to the price of the drinks will discourage children from drinking alcohol.

"The overarching policy concern here was...under-aged drinking," says tax board chairwoman Betty Yee. Yee believes that the makers of refreshing beverages such as Zima and Smirnoff Ice have purposefully made it, "look like you're drinking something hip."

Head of Marketing for the Valencia Beverage Co. Ken R. Stevenson agrees, but doesn't see things exactly the same way. "If Mrs. Yee thinks that cracking open a bottle of one of our many flavored tickets to paradise is hip, she's right," he retorts, "I'm just not so sure that if something is hip it necessarily has to be for kids. Many of us would like to remain hip well into our drinking age."

In fact Stevenson sees the flavored malt beverages as being marketed more towards older drinkers. Most top level Mixologists agree, based on their intensive studies, that as one gets older and starts drinking more heavily in order to counteract the body's natural resistance to repeated substance exposure you're going to want to mix it up a little. As Stevenson puts it, "Flavored malt beverages are geared more toward older drinkers tired of the same old Schlitz."

He goes on to give some examples of "blasting refreshment sure to light up your nights" as proof:

- Zima A L'Orange: classic Zima refreshment with a triple blast of orange, pear, and Panax Ginseng from China.

- Ice Berry Zima: tastes just like eating berries in the North Pole while snowboarding over a polar bear's grave!

- Zimamegranate - an anti-oxidant packed Zima with natural pomegranate flavor, enhanced with 2CCs of Tahitian Goji Berry extract.

Zimig - fig flavored Zima.

Pinkleberry Zima - actually tastes like the color pink!

Swamp Zima: Shrek's Special Brew - a green tinted, apple flavored Zima inspired by the film Shrek.

- and one more flavor.

Valencia Beverage Co. warehouse manager G. Roy Galenz knows that the added tax won't do anything to deter under-aged drinking stating, "Kids like booze. They can't help it. It's kids. Look, this is just terrible. It's exactly like what the Nazis did except instead of people, it's drinks."

CA Tax Board Spokeswoman Anitia Gore(probably related) started to drool out the corners of her mouth as she tallied up the "serious ca-ching"(money), estimating that the new tax could bring in an extra $30-$40 million dollars a year. Most of the money will go towards fixing California's Gray Davis-ruined economy and will also partially be used to fund Hillary's failed 2008 Presidential campaign.

G. Roy Galenz steams and holds back a multitude of punches saying through clinched teeth, "We'll stop them. Come on, you don't mess with the booze business. Seriously, it's DOA. Just cause you take a beer and put some f**kin' fruits in it, don't make it no crime."

Hopefully, the people of California will see the light and begin throwing boxes, bottles, and water towers full of fruit flavored malt beverages into San Francisco bay and other local bodies of ocean water.

"Imagine if people saw the real danger," warns Stevenson, "This measure is only going to inspire more children to drink as many of these stimulating, effervescent alcoholic beverages as possible from now until July 2008, when you could very well expect a bloodbath."

It looks like the latest victims of liberal micro management are innocent, freedom loving, drinking age Californians. It leads many experts to ask, "Aside from Governor recalls, is there anything that state does RIGHT?"

PLN - AMERICAN BIN LADEN - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

American Bin Laden

Looks as though it's justice at last for Islamic extremist Jose Padilla, the man many are calling "The American Bin Laden", as he was found guilty on all charges of terrorism in a Florida court on August 16th. He will be sentenced on December 5th. Padilla and two of his Al Qaeda co-horts face lenient life sentences.
Padilla, an honorary US citizen, was held as an enemy combatant for conspiring to murder people, plant multiple radioactive dirty bombs in several US daycare centers, and fund several different Al Qaeda related groups in and around the Middle East.

Padilla was originally charged with conspiring to plant a radioactive dirty bomb, but the charge had to be dropped when prosecutors started to feel bad for Padilla in light of all the massive evidence against him that wouldn't quit piling up.

One overwhelmed member of the prosecutorial research staff, Carl S. West said during a rare break, "This man did so much terrorist activity that we can't keep track of it all. It's as if he did too much terror stuff for us to even prosecute him on it!"

Padilla's defense attorneys didn't even call any witnesses. PLN legal analyst Mike Reis points out, "The defense knew that if they called somebody to the stand and asked them if they saw any terrorists in the courtroom, it would look really bad when the witness points directly at their client."

Lawyers for the defendants made a string of bad pop-cultural references referring to Padilla's case as "a giant game if six degrees of separation based on nothing," and mocked the prosecutor's case as "snake oil". Everybody knows when defense attorneys start making references to 80's movie icons and using gutter slang like "snake oil" they're grasping for a far distant, half empty glass of lies.

Prosecutors put fourth truckloads of substantial evidence supporting the documented fact that Padilla and friends supported terrorist activities from 1993 to 2001, mostly under Clinton's watch. It took an administration so committed to protecting the people of America with an act called "The Patriot" to finally round up these sub-human threats to democracy, the flag, and a way of life that's better than any other on planet Earth.

Legal experts all across the board agree that just because Padilla never committed violent acts and wasn't involved in the terrorist attacks of September 11th doesn't mean he wasn't directly responsible for them.

Anyone who supports terrorists whether financially, politically, or metaphysically immediately falls under the same umbrella of Anti-American. Everyone agrees that if you're against America and the American way of life, you're just as bad as someone who flies an airplane into a building.

With pro-terror liberals accusing the Bush administration of "over reaching" in prosecuting obvious terrorists one fact remains clear, as illustrated by an unnamed defense department official, "In a tricky game like the War On Terror you're better off over reaching than not reaching at all."

After all, we still don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.

PLN - M.C. ROVE'S LAST JAM

2007-09-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

"Karl Rove is movin' on down the road," President Bush told reporters outside his Crawford, TX ranch. Rove then stepped forward to announce that he was stepping down as Bush's senior adviser and deputy chief of staff in order to spend more time with his family.

"I...uh...I been talkin(g) to Karl for a while about, uh...his desire to...spend more time with Darby and Andrew," President Bush explained to a stunned nation.

Presidential historians all agree that the average American people do not understand the pull of family until they're actually in a situation like Rove's. The natural human instinct to want to be with ones family, to spend more time with them as it were, has led to the ends of many bright political careers. Most point to Richard Nixon as the most prime example of a man torn between service to one's country and spending time with precious family.

Historical psychologist Dale Thompson explains, "Here was a man so conflicted, in such need of family togetherness, that he organizes a purposefully botched "break in" so that his family wouldn't be saddled with the guilt of knowing they were the true reasons Nixon abandoned the most important office in the known world simply in order to spend more time with them."

The left wing media and Congress pounced on Rove like a gang of backed up sailors, flinging false accusations in his face. Both the Senate and House judiciary committees have promised to continue investigating Rove, after he leaves office, like a crazy ex. They've even threatened Rove with contempt of Congress for refusing to comply with various irrelevant subpoenas to testify about his role in re-vamping our currently partisan judicial system by ridding it of activist judges like Carol Lam who based every decision she made on her passionate desire for an open border policy. Rove, of course, refused to testify based on executive privilege which covers every White House employee from the President to Harriet Meirs to the White House dogs.

Rove's resignation was disclosed during an interview with PLN's own Dale Facklery, late Sunday night. The interview was ultimately plagiarized by the Wall Street Journal on Monday morning. In the interview Rove discusses the number one issue effecting all Americans in every aspect of their lives: immigration, and Rove's confidence that his agenda will be carried through even after his departure.

What comes across in Facklery's interview is a clean cut, straight, average American with a deep love of freedom and the American political system. It's a love he's acted on ever since he opened a tiny non-profit charity organization, Karl Rove & Co., in order to assist grass roots movements in the Texas political arena.

Just as the weak must always attack the strong in order to justify their pathetic existence, the entire left has called Rove's resignation the death of his agenda. Even Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards gussied up enough brawn to say of Rove's exit, "Good bye and good riddance," a phrase popularized by bathhouse homosexuals in 1860's London.

What Rove illustrates most clearly in his conversation with PLN's Facklery is that the prospects for complete implementation of his agenda have never been sweeter. With social security inches away from total privatization, the tax cuts set in stone, and Iraqis being freer than ever the only thing to be determined is whether or not Rove's last minute wish of repealed term limits will be carried through.

Many have often faulted Rove for being too brilliant in his execution of political strategy often seeing his greatest victories as debilitating failures. The most astute of political analysts know that in order to secure the permanent Republican majority of his dreams, Karl's Republicans needed to concede a minuscule amount of power to the Democrats for a limited time of two years. Thompson reminds us that Rove, "orchestrated a Republican Congressional defeat in order to remind the American people how bad the democratic party is at governing."

In order to celebrate his newly announced departure Rove will attend an honorary banquet hosted by Ahmed Chalabi and Talon News reporter Jeff Gannon who Rove says he's, "very, very, very much looking forward to reuniting with."

During his announcement at the Western White House Rove told the American people, "I will join those whom you meet in your travels. The ordinary Americans who tell you they're praying for you." To which Bush responded by looking strongly into Rove's eyes and pronouncing, "I'll be on the road behind you."

Unless Congress decides to do something about those out-of-date term limits.

PLN - LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

The son of impeached former President Bill Clinton's movie star Vice President Al Gore has managed to use his father's status to take advantage of the court of law. In a move not unlike his father, who tried to steal the 2000 election by manipulating the justice system, Al Gore III managed to avoid the usually mandatory 20 years to life for Marijuana smuggling and possession of "illegal prescription drugs", which is is bribed-cop code for "meth". Instead Gore will spend 90 days in a drug rehabilitation retreat.

This complete slap to the sensitives of Lady Justice stems from a July 4th arrest when Gore was nabbed driving a "Hybrid" Prius at speeds above 100mph. The sheriff's deputies initially became suspicious considering that Prius cars begin to come apart at speeds of at least 62mph.

While inspecting the possible fake hybrid car the officers smelled marijuana and discovered a large brick of pure organic Blueberry Hill strain indica bud with massive crystallization. Along with the chronic, the officers also discovered a litany of illegally obtained prescription drugs including Vicodin, Xanax, Adderall, Sominex, Tylenol PM+, and Valium all of which could have been brought across the Mexican border by migrants hoping to score some quick cash off of sympathetic, drug addicted liberals like Gore.

Allan Stokke, Gore's lawyer, said that Al and Tipper are still supportive of their criminal son leading many leading psychologists to ask, "What does this kid have to do to get his parents disapproval, decapitate a faithfully celibate nun?"

Political analysts are all ready agreeing 100 percent that Gore III now officially has no chance of following his father's footsteps into public life. Ted Grogan of the political watchdog group Citizens for a United America points out, "There go his Presidential hopes, if he had any. Everybody knows that if you want to be a legitimate President you can't have any flagrant drug use of any kind in your known past. I think this kid might have inhaled."

The good news to come out of this is that if Gore fails to complete the state authorized treatment program, or if he's inevitably caught using drugs, he can be sent to prison. Many speculate that it's only a matter of time before Jr. gets caught making a bong out of his father's biodegradable "Inconvenient Truth" DVD boxes and ends up with the much deserved 20 years to life prison sentence.

Only then will justice have been served and we can start covering the stories that really matter like: How much money is Al Gore making off his Global Warming fantasy, really? And, how much weed can you buy with that?

PLN - CRAZY SHEEHAN-IGANS! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

Crazy Sheehan-igans!

Former leader of the anti war movement, Cindy Sheehan, stated that she would challenge current Democratic speaker of the House, Nanci Pelosi, for her seat in Congress unless Pelosi does what Pelosi already said she wouldn't do: Impeach the President!?

Sheehan has given Pelsoi two weeks to bring the impeachment proceedings to the floor. "Perhaps to take unique advantage of Pelosi's menstrual cycle" observes Guy Bullock, co founder of the United Center for Indivisible Policy Studies. "Female political figures are very dangerous, but also very cleaver, due to the scientifically proven onslaught of life-long mood swings that plague all women."

Sheehan stated that she will run against Pelosi as an "Independent", which is basically code for "Ameri-communist". Bullock thinks her Independent status will only help Republicans in the long run. If Sheehan knocks Pelosi off, then it would surely tip the House in favor of the GOP which only needs to pick up two or three seats to retain their permanent majority.

A terrified Pelosi spokesperson almost needed a change of pants after hastily explaining, "July will be a month of action in Congress to end the war."

Sheehan, tired of mostly left wing smear tactics, abandoned her job as leader of the anti-war movement in order to make some congressional cash with her new-found fame. She even went so far as to say that her anti-war efforts had been "in vain" probably because she realized that no matter what she did, she couldn't weaken the morale of our soldiers in harm's way.

Most analysts concurrently agree that Sheehan, who has no experience in politics, would be great fodder for a situation comedy, but isn't likely to do America any good. When asked why she wanted to impeach President Bush she railed off the same tired left wing talking points we've heard for the past six-odd years, even dusting off the ol' "domestic spying" and "Hurricane Katrina" woes. All the while New Orleans has been re-built and Clinton did plenty of domestic spying when he wasn't cheating on his wife.

Sheehan said publically that she hopes Pelosi would file the articles of impeachment so that Sheehan can move onto other projects including a possible cookbook. Pelosi, however, has already made the solemn promise: "Impeachment is off the table." This kind of promise, which she reportedly made under oath, in the presence of the President is not something anyone can go back on without facing serious legal, political, and personal consequences.

Many astute political observers say that for Pelosi to attempt to impeach the President would be both political and literal suicide. As Bullock points out, "It can't be done. It won't be done. She promised."

While a debate between Sheehan and Pelosi would entertainingly de-evolve into a bra burning contest in which the only issue debated is who hates the troops more, one serious fact remains the same: They both believe the world would be better off with Saddam still in power.

With logic like that on their sides, it looks to be Pelosi vs. Sheehan in a hair flinging battle to see who steals more votes from the other, leading to an all out San Francisco-style Republican victory.

PLN - LIBBY FOUND INNOCENT! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

LIBBY FOUND INNOCENT!

Just in time for the Fourth of July, former chief of staff for the vice-president of the United States I. Lewis Scooter Libby has been exonerated by a jury. A jury of the only peer that really matters: The President of the United States. President Bush gave a fully commuted pardon to Libby who was sentenced to 2 and 1/2 years to life for his role in exposing the lies of former counter-US intelligence agent Joe Wilson and his scheming wife Valerie Plame. Like Boris and Natasha with so many of their cartoon bombs, the dastardly pair attempted to destroy the entire US Intelligence community from within by defending the brutal actions of Saddam Hussein and his 9-11 cohort Osama Bin Laden in the run up to Operation Iraqi Freedom.

The Liberal vultures who run the mainstream media have overreacted to the point of torch-mobbery in their response to an innocent patriot walking free. In a pile-on of overwhelming mendacity, the press has called for every measure of punishment not for Libby, but the President, ranging from impeachment to full-blown assassination. However, legal experts point out that the only crime they can accuse the President of committing is of knowing an innocent member of his own administration when he sees one.

On the other side of the morality spectrum, Libby's supporters celebrated justice well done in a case in which the highest ranking White House official was ordered to jail since the Iran-Contra affair when Oliver North was imprisoned for secretly making charitable military donations to under privileged countries in need.

The Democrats in "Congress" reacted as though Libby had been pardoned for killing his pregnant wife. In reality, Libby still has to face extremely harsh penalties including two years to life of probation, an unholy fine of $250,000 dollars, and the shame of being labeled a guilty man for the rest of his life. As President Bush compassionately said, "The consequences of his felony conviction on his formal life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long lasting."

PLN legal expert Mike Reis offers a more candid assessment of Libby's future prospects stating, "This is a broken man. Probation is like a death camp, the $250,000 fine is something a humble public servant will never bounce back from, not to mention the fact that he will never find work again in any field, ever."

To add insult to life crippling injury, top legal experts accross the country have come to the conclusion that THERE WAS NO CRIME. Since there was no crime many are saying that any sentence imposed would be, as President Bush called it, "excessive". End of story.

Now with all this Scooter Libby business out of the way we at can all start asking some real questions like:

What was Joe Wilson doing in Niger, really???

PLN - WHO HASN'T? - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

WHO HASN'T?

The "People" for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and a handful of fringe extremists have gone and shown their true human hating form by launching a harassment campaign against legitimate Republican Presidential front runner Mitt Romney. Like dwarfs to Gulliver, these flat earth thinkers have waged a war against Romney by attacking him for doing something that any American who's ever driven a long distance with a family pet has done. During an interview in which Romney was to give an example of emotion free crisis management, he told the Norman Rockwellian tale about traveling from Boston to Ontario, Canada with his family, but there was a silly problem. Having over-packed(probably due to a lack of proper planning by Romney's wife), the Romney's had no room in the car for the family dog. According to the Boston Globe Romney, always quick on his feet, had a solution.

"Before beginning the drive, Mitt Romney put Seamus, the family's hulking Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon's roof rack. He'd built a windshield for the carrier, to make the ride more comfortable for the dog."

Gary Bryne Thompson of the Animal Self Sufficiency Foundation believes that the far left groups, seeing Romney as the number one cash raiser in the Republican Presidential race, have picked this example of compassion and ingenuity as a NEGATIVE saying, "Since they can't find anything wrong with Romney as a candidate, the left needs to make an issue out of something as frivolous as imaginary animal cruelty."

Thompson goes on to point out that Seamus might have actually ENJOYED being on the roof of the car. "Dogs love sticking their heads out of car windows. You see it all the time. Why wouldn't a dog love riding on the outside of a car even more?"

As for the feces leaking down the windows, many animal psychologists believe that Romney actually did the dog a favor. Instead of being on the inside of the car, having to hold it in, the dog could relieve itself whenever it wants. Even if securely strapping a dog to the top of a car for less than half a day's drive is cruel, the same animal psychologists say that cruelty to animals is a normal, natural part of the human experience.

Also, unreported in the main stream media is the fact that traveling with an animal on the roof of your vehicle is a time honored American tradition. During the great western migration in the late 1700's and 1800's, in order to make more room for the pots and pans, brave Americans would strap their dogs to the tops of their covered wagons and use them as a primitive horn in times of distress.

The final hole in the Romney Family Vacation Dog Conspiracy is the fact that the Romney's were on a LONG twelve hour trip which is better than a short trip since it gave the dog more time to actually get comfortable on the roof of a fast moving car. This dog clearly had more than enough time to find it's bearing, enjoy the scenery, and finally become comfortable enough to defecate.

Perhaps the ones who really need to be strapped to a roof are the mainstream media, PETA, and anyone who funds these anti-human, anti-American organizations. Only then will they realize that we should be focusing on things that really matter, the stories that people really care about.

PLN - SPREAD THE WORD!!

2007-09-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

Many upon many Americans who are concerned about the prevailing media bias toward the far left wing of the "American" Democratic party have contacted us via e-mail, telephone, and rotoscope begging to have PLN broadcast in their area.

Our standard response is:

CONTACT YOUR LOCAL CABLE PROVIDERS!!!

We at Prime Legitimate News have little to no power over the hundreds of activist cable providers who refuse to give their hard working subscribers access to even and honest news coverage 24 hours a day.

On a medical level it makes us sick to our cores to see such disregard for objective reporting. This is why we are asking you our viewers to contact your local cable providers, congress personel, and city council members DEMANDING that they make room for the most even and honest news channel ever to hit the airwaves.

Think about being able to tune in and get the unvarnished truth any time, all the time. All the time!

Offer them a sample of our fantastic programming like the segment from our top rated debate show "Facklery & Dean" available on Myspace or at:

http://www.youtube.com/PrimeLegitNews
"F & D" airs every weeknight at 8pm only on PLN!

Demand prime legitimacy in your news, today!

Remember:

We deliver the news, you sign for it!

- The Prime Legitimate News Team

PLN - PLN CONGRATULATES AMERICA AND THE BALD EAGLE - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

PLN Congratulates America And The Bald Eagle

It's morning in America all over again for the triumphant American Bald Eagle. The bird we all know and love as a Christian symbol of freedom and democracy is being removed from the endangered species list by the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. Virtually all bird scientists agree that this is the conclusive evidence they need to finally link up the most popular theory regarding Bald Eagle population patterns.

Based on their exclusive data, the National Center for Eagle Conservationism has come to some startling conclusions. "If you look at the numbers and how they correspond with recorded events in history it becomes very clear that you have more Bald Eagles when America is at it's most patriotic and quite the reverse when it is not," says NCEC's Rey Del Fazio "It's almost like...like...the Eagles can FEEL it."

Not everyone agrees, and since this is America, that's OK. Still, many Soros funded Scientologists say the Eagle populations dwindled because they were exposed to the widely used pesticide known as DDT which supposedly rendered the Eagles incapable of creating their patriotic offspring. "Nothing could have more distance between the truth and it. DDT is an old wives tale invented by Al Gore's grandfather and a couple of lesbians. Look at the numbers."

- During World War 2 the Eagle numbers were at an all time high. You could almost hear the mighty battle cry of a grown male Eagle echo through the frosty Wyoming air as Hitler off'd himself in that bunker.

- However, by 1963 the Eagle numbers took a sharp dive when America suddenly became overly saddened by President Kennedy's death. At that time the Eagles hit an all time low of 417 breeding pairs

- Things got so bad for the down and out Eagles throughout our increasing involvement in the messy Vietnam war that they had to be put on federal protection(the bird version of welfare) in 1967.

- The Bald Eagle's luck quickened when Nixon got a foothold of power in 1972.

- With Carter's election the species was practically wiped off the map.

- Eagle numbers rose steadily throughout the Regan revolution, suddenly tapering off a little bit when George HW Bush refused to finish off Saddam.

- The election of William "Jefferson" Clinton seemed likely to be the final nail in the coffin for these majestic birds of prey.

"The Eagles were so turned off by what they could feel was our collective disgust at a President gone wild," observes Del Fazio. Studies show, after the Lewinsky scandal, Eagles refused to engage in any mating activity for the remainder of Clinton's presidency.

Then a miracle happened. An ace President took us into a global war against the forces of evil. "After that, well...look at the numbers! More than 9,700 breeding pairs!" Del Fazio knows that Eagle population has nothing to do with human encroachment at all. "These birds have loved us ever since George Washington refused to chop down their cherry trees."

True story.

PLN - AND SO IT BEGINS... - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

And So It Begins...

BREAKING NEWS! Shifty lawyer Howard K Stern has just filed Anna Nicole Smith's death-will in a California court. PLN's own Helga Von Streusel will break this story with muscle truck force tonight on a two and a half hour episode of "Off The Wire" (8pm Eastern).

She'll take us through the DNA drama wherein triumphant Aryan hero Lawrence Birkhead proved through seminal donation that he is IN FACT the father of wilted American legend Anna Nicole Smith's most valuable baby. Helga will spoon feed us the rest of this story as if to so many custard filled babies.

Now begins the gladiatory court battle-thon over who will finally fill their pockets with the contested money of Anna Nicole's also dead husband J. Howard Marshall(no relation to Howard K Stern).

If Anna Nicole's ghost ends up winning the money from the late Oil Tycoon in court then it will either go to:

A) Howard K Stern, who today filed Anna's will naming himself the executor of her estate.

B) Larry Birkhead, who has full ownership of the baby.

or

C) Prince Friedrich Von Anhult of Germany, who still claims to perhaps being the father of Anna Nicole's baby saying, "Look, I gave my DNA to lots of people. Wether or not they decided to test it...I just don't know."

PLN's own financial analyst and host of "Market Minute" Bernard "Bernie" Hernandez puts it on the table, "Who ever wins this court battle is sure to rake in some serious CA-CHIIIIING!! The catch is that this lady swallowed her money 16 times daily, as needed. The only cash Anna Nicole really has is the money she actually doesn't have. In order to get that massive Ca-Ching they need to tap the geezer geyser!"

PLN - DEMOCRATS FIND TRUTH OFFENSIVE - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

Democrats Find Truth Offensive

Nowadays everybody's getting into trouble for saying something or other that offends a far left fringe-tank, smear group, or college basketball team. Add legitimate Presidential candidate John McCain to the list of celebrities who have been dunk-tanked by the liberal media for letting the straight talk express do the bull-horning. McCain came under fire for putting his foreign policy into song with his solid rendition of "Bomb Iran" which he sang to the tune of perennial Beach Boys classic "Barbara Ann" at a pep rally. Some who share the enemy's viewpoint claim the song was "offensive" and/or "distasteful."

Funny they should think so now when you consider that singing foreign policy based classics has been McCain's thing for months. Many recall his other hits: "Let's Destroy Venezuela" a classy spin on "La Bamba", McCain's smooth Elvis-inspired "Heartbreak Habib" about the necessity of Gitmo, and his rare version of the Beatles "Shake It Up, Baby" wherein he calls for the "flattening of East Timor".

Political analysts agree that these songs show evidence of a prime sense of humor and that such silly banter is par for the course. McCain rightfully told anyone questioning his style to "Lighten up,"and "get a life."

All campaign experts understand that the bottom line is this: "What happens on the campaign trail stays on the campaign trial." That holds true wether it's a joke, insult, promise, or otherwise. As spokesperson for the Giuliani campaign J. Carchio puts it, "All that stuff is just stuff politicians say to get elected. That's it. It's all just stuff. It don't mean nothin'. I mean, come on, right?"

He should know. McCain isn't the only one taking it on the chin for expressing free speech in a time of war. Presidential hopeful Rudolph "Rudy" Giuliani was the recipient of a full frontal media bukkake for his even and honest assessment of the catastrophic chain of events sure to unravel if the Democrats maintain their stranglehold on American power when he observed, "America will be safer with a Republican President."

All Giuliani seems to be saying is that if the American people vote into power the party with a vaginal foreign policy then there are bound to be massive terrorist reprisals leaving millions dead. Mothers, children, puppies, and even a few endangered species will be off'd in a hurry however that's still not enough to spur the liberals into action.

See the pattern? The Republicans prop up a candidate who is 100% certain to win the Presidency in 08, and the media takes their orders and destroys said candidate. It's all part of the smear campaign set fourth by the Soros funded leftist junta to ruin the credibility of the mayor who was single handedly there on 9-11. Carchio thinks the most recent character assassinations are, "All about the democrats being jealous because they can't fight terror, or even find a decent human being to run for President."

"To fight an effective war on terror you need to remind the American people how much danger they're constantly in," says electoral guru Dick Morris. "The American people are in terrific danger even with Republicans in office. Think of the metal-storm that will reign down if the Democrats, who can't stop running away from the enemy, win in '08. Everyday would be 9-11."

Que America's mayor...or should we say President*.

* Unless McCain wins.

PLN - ENOUGH ALREADY! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

Enough Already!

Scandal. The mainstream media can't seem to get enough. Why not? Scandal makes ratings, sells copy, and rakes in mazoolah. Many say the media's grub-like tendency to wallow in dirt leads them to add the word "gate" to whatever the Bush administration does, says, or gestures. Attorney General Gonzales scandal? Gonzales-gate. Male prostitute in White House Pres Corps? Gannon-gate. E-mail-gate, Plame-gate, Cheneyshotaguy-gate, Katrina-gate, MCRove-Gate. Gate gate gate gate-gate...GATE!

The court jesters in the media don't have Nixon to kick around anymore, but they can't help but use Bush Jr in order to burn tricky Dick in effigy.

"Here's what this whole scandal-mania is all about, really." observes political strategist Dick Morris. "The left couldn't go after Reagan because of his flawless Presidency, Clinton was one of their own, so along comes W, Rove, and Cheney. The liberal sect of the media must have seen this as an unleashed Nixonian Cerberus prime to be spade, de-spirited, and made to wear a tiny knit puppy-sweater. It's a classic Pavlovian relationship. The media tells the people that President Bush is the reason for all their problems, the dogs believe it, and start salivating. Just like Pavlov salivated when his dog rang that bell."

Analysts point to how the media jumped all over Karl Rove for deleting a couple of spam e-mails from private White House accounts. "The media treated it as if Karl Rove has shredded Monica's "splorched" blue dress, after having licked off the stains," states media analyst Greg Baxter of the United Media Front. Senate Democrats have compared the missing White House e-mails to the famous Nixon White House Tapes. However, most are saying that the missing e-mails are more along the lines of Regan's jellybeans than Nixon's tapes in actual pound for pound scandal value.

With Nixon you have tapes, break-ins, and obvious criminal activity. It was all out in the open and all cleverly orchestrated by Democratic operative John Dean. The main difference between now and then is that the media now really needs to go searching through the White House trash in order to find even a single shred of a scandal. They then take that tiny piece of out of context misinformation, and fill in the blanks with their biased imaginations. It's how 95% of the news is made, today.

The flaming left will even go so far as to trample the Bush Administration's civil liberties in order to drum up their looney case for impeachment. They've gone after Karl Rove's former associate, prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, as if like some sick ex-girlfriend Fitzgerald kept all of Karl Rove's e-mails from a previous slander operation/investigation. Fitzgerald wisely refused to comment on the Democrats nosing about his personal e-mails. Hopefully, he's deleted them as any good friend would do.

What's amazing to most analysts that the same political party that is wrist deep inside the American Civil Liberties Union would so savagely throw their Russian-style values out the window when given the opportunity to take down a prime, legitimate Presidential administration.

Many believe the real trick the Democrats have pulled off is the fact that they've made it so the Bush Administration can't be open with the public about anything. When you consider that the Administration CANNOT COMMENT ON ON-GOING INVESTIGATIONS you'll understand what happens when the Democrats investigate everything the Republicans do. White House spokesperson Dana Perino points it out perfectly, "I'd love to be able to lay everything out on the table, but as you know we can't comment on on-going investigations."

All I asked her was where the bathroom is.

PLN - STONED POLICY - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

A freelance U.S. delegation, lead by radical Chavez-like New Mexican Governor Bill Richardson, has attempted to bribe North Korea in order to allow "United Nations" nuclear weapons inspectors into their wing-bat country. Richardson wants to give brainwashed North Koreans $25 Million Dollars in disputed funds, mixed in with a few dollars of American taxpayer's money, in order to allow in the same weapons inspector that FAILED to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. No telling how much of that cash Richardson will pocket for himself.

A high-level pentagon official has a different plan, "How about we keep the $25 Million, and give the North Koreans a taste of OUR nuclear capability. It's hard to tell which country Bill Richardson is running for President of."

These bizarre displays of freak-diplomacy have many asking "Who would vote for this man?", and answering, "Him, his wife, and possibly the local drunk he bribed with a peyote bundle."

Meanwhile on the home front Richardson has seen to it to seriously cut away at the very fabric of American society. The state over which he rules, New Mexico, has recently become front line 1 in the noble War on Drugs. In a politically suicidal move Richardson signed a "bill" legalizing marijuana for "sick" people. Richardson says, "It's the right thing to do." Former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton says, "Thank God we have Federal laws against this swarming plague of medical marijuana use. We need to reign in these rouge states turned cartels, and do away with all the Richardsons out there."

Bolton is referring to the unquestionably legitimate 1970 Federal Controlled Substances Act which forbids the use of "devil weed." Last month, in a stunning and outright victory for the Bush Administration, the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that a woman with an inoperable brain tumor may not smoke dangerous marijuana to ease her pain.

The ruling hasn't stopped states like California where anyone with a "mild cough" to a "rough morning" is allowed to have access to top quality mari-buds under state law. Carlo J. Himenez runs one of many Guerilla Keef-houses about to take New Mexico by storm. Regarding his legalized, illegal operation, "Yeah man, what? Look, it's fully legit. We just got fresh legal shipments of Afgooey, Grandfather Kush, and ***** Urkle*."

No plans have been laid out yet for what Richardson will decide to do with all the extra cash he'll make from slingin' dope. Many think he'll probably just end up giving it to North Korea.

* Due to recent racial fallout from the Don Imus story we cannot publish the full name of this particular marijuana strain.

PLN - BUSH UNITES IRAQIS! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

Bush Unites Iraqis!

600,000 peaceful, flag waving, free Iraqi people marched three miles through some of their holiest cities in order to celebrate Iraq's 4th year of freedom and democracy. The breezy streets of Baghdad fell silent under a 24 hour driving ban during the festivities. "It's a real street fair atmosphere," commented an observer. Several Iraqis even began impromptu bonfires using anything from sticks to large stuffed figures and pieces of flag material.

Things have gotten so good in Iraq that the pro-democracy demonstration was organized by none other than Shiite Priest Muqtada Al-Sadr. Many believe that through this act Al-Sadr, who has had some slight disagreements with the U.S. in the past, has become a real "stand up guy."
Along with the upswing of positive vibes, reports of sectarian violence were close to slightly above zero, and only 25 people were killed or found dead in the country.

"These are Los Angeles numbers. It's truly encouraging. I hope it's a sign of great things to come," said Defense Department spokesperson Gordon Jondroe.

"Iraq is now a place where people can freely gather and express their opinions," said U.S. military spokesman Col. Steven Boylan who praised the parade stating that the Iraqi people, "could not have done this four years ago. If Saddam were alive to see this he would hang himself."

Despite unanimous optimism there is still much work to be done as Jondroe points out, "We have much more progress ahead of us." Military experts like Jondroe agree that the future of Iraq's security lies in the so-far thoroughly "Keystone" Iraqi Army. "The United States, the coalition, and the Iraqis have much more to do. But, for now...let's party."

PLN - DOLPHIN SAFE NUKES - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

Looks as though the far left wing of the Democratic party can't seem to find a way to support our troops no matter what species they are. A gaggle of way-out animal rights activists have brainwashed a handful of "concerned" citizens to carry out their anti-security, anti-war, anti-life agenda against homeland security in any of its forms. Critics of the US Navy's plan to use dolphins and sea lions to guard waters off the coast of a huge nuclear weapons base say the water will be too "cold" for the dolphins to survive in.

Dolphin boot-camp Sargent Doug King Vann leaps all over this liberal troop-smear saying, "Too cold? You think these dolphins can't take it? Ha. These animals are cross bred, well-trained killing machines. These animals can take on any intruder in any kind of water. Some of these animals have been genetically altered so as to allow them to hunt and kill out of water for a limited amount of time." (6 months)
Many local residents worry about the safety of such a program. Vann shrugs off their concerns, "Let me tell you something. These dolphins know who the bad guys are. It's a clear, detailed process:

A) The dolphin identifies a threat, notifies personnel.

B) The dolphin then interacts with the intruder.

C) Personnel comes by in order to clean up the mess."

Activist Leigh Calvez plans to dispute the proposal semi-asking, "We don't have anything as good as dolphins to protect us? That's hard to believe."

Always like the liberals to slam the troops first. A top secret Navy defense analyst says, "We as Americans should be proud to have these patriotic dolphins on our side, guarding our nuclear weapons. Hopefully, if this program is successful, the next nuclear bomb will be dropped not by a human being, but by a lovable dolphin."

PLN - DEMOCRATS MOVE TO HALT ANTI-TERRORISM - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

Democrats Move To Halt Anti-Terrorism

Dutiful Attorney General of the United States Alberto Gonzales has come under fire for taking bold measures to protect the homeland in our post 9-11 world. Gonzales finally gave way under democratic political torture and admitted to using the essential Patriot Act to collect vital information on terrorists, anti-Americanists, and other radical elements of humanity. "This blows the cat right out of the bag," mourns Carl Abrams commissioner of the Tri-Lateral Bureau on Security Issues. "The more that heroes like Gonzales are forced by Democrats to divulge top secret anti-terror plans, the closer we come to a vast string of unimaginable terrorist attacks."

As the liberal media made a pinata out of Gonzales the congressional Democrats were trying to deport him from the Justice Department simply for doing his sworn duty to protect the constitution from eight activist, slacker attorneys by firing them outright for their flagrant violations of American codes of legal justice. Abrams backs up Gonzales' brave decision by pointing to the facts, "Make no mistake, these were horrible judges. Most of them probably didn't even know how to use a gavel. I hear two of them couldn't even pass a drug test."

White House spokesperson Daniel Bartlett came to Gonzales' defense calling him a, "stand up guy." Many say Gonzales proved that assertion by going on record apologizing for any truths he had to withhold from Congress in the past in order to protect innocent Americans from radical extremists hell bent on harming innocent Americans. Gonzales also went on to show a true sense of decency when he revealed that he kept most of the information regarding the eight fired judges secret because he was protecting the judges from further embarrassment by keeping secret how bad they were as judges.

Logic like this does nothing to extinguish the blazing liberal rage as Independent Congressman James Sensenbrenner took to threatening Gonzales' life by telling him he will, "die by a thousand cuts." Most political analysts have never seen rhetoric this vile. Sensenbrenner ends his tirade by demanding to hear "the truth". What some people are saying to folks like Sensenbrenner is, "You can't handle the truth!"* That truth being which would you rather Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defend: The Constitution or the American people?

* A reference to the famous line from "A Few Good Men" in which Jack Nicholson yells at Tom Cruise during the climax of the courtroom scene. We thought to use that well known line in an entirely different context.

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - PROMO

2007-09-20T19:46:00.001-07:00

PLN - MISSED OPPORTUNITY - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

Missed Opportunity

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and 20,000 of his most rabid, mange-stricken fans gave confirmation to the largest strategical blunder of the "War on Terror": Not invading Venezuela FIRST. A soccer stadium in Buenos Aires became the smutty arena where Chavez, cutting a Mussolini-esque figure, riled up his toothless Klan calling President Bush an, "imperialist"(which simply means "good businessman"), a "gringo"(which is like them using the "n"word, but against white people), and calling for Bush's assassination stating that he is a "political cadaver".

A distinct majority of war analysts concur that this is a problem George W. Bush could have easily avoided if he had only gone into Venezuela sooner. Head of the United Foundation for Regime Change Studies Albert Gregory takes a page out of history to teach us a little about the present. "Bush really should have taken a lesson from his father who invaded Panama. That tiny little war really helped Bush senior gain the strength and confidence he needed to go on and win his Iraq war." So many in the CIA are slapping them selves in the head and crying, "If only we had invaded Venezuela as a warm up war!" Henry Brook, vice principal of the School of the Americas, fears it may be too late. "It's the ultimate tragedy. Everybody knows this Chavez is the number one threat to civilized human beings. He's Hitler times 5, but because of 9-11 everybody forgot and decided to go after Bin Laden in Iraq. Well Chavez only got stronger."

In fact Bush's War on Terror has only been like Popeye's Spinach to Chavez, strengthening his influence over terrorist nations across the globe whom he bribes with cheap oil, cocaine, and free red paramilitary jackets with berets. "He's best friends with Castro for C**st's sake!" adds a recently retired Secretary of Defense. Chavez, who receives most of his funding from Venezuela's rich oil reserves and George Soros, has been beefing up his military and is currently in negotiations with Iran to share some of those nukes Iran's been making.

The most sensible policy ever offered came from former Republican presidential candidate and world renowned Christian leader Pat Robertson who stated simply and firmly, "I don't know about this whole doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really oughta go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

Sound "imperialist" thinking, Gringo. Perhaps it's time to make Chavez the political cadaver...literally.

PLN - GUILTY! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

GUILTY!

A stunning shockwave of events has rocked the same legal system that set O.J. free. A decision has been reached by the 11 member "jury", in the case about whether or not Scooter Libby got events mixed up while trying to expose the lies of Joe Wilson. We at Prime Legitimate News have sketched out the dramatic unfolding of events in our own PLN "Wilson Trial Time Line":

2002 - Joe Wilson and his wife Valerie Plame concoct a harebrained scheme to subvert the Bush Administration's war plans by creating false intelligence regarding Iraq's proven uranium purchase from Nigeria.

2003 - Joe Wilson writes a huge article combining elements of both slander and treason in order to undercut the security of our country and the morale of our troops in harms way during wartime. The article was so riddled with misinformation that the only newspaper which agreed to print it was the New York Times.

2003 - Rumors that Wilson and Plame are operatives with the Democratic party begin to float about.

2003 - Cheney meets with Scooter Libby and Jeff Gannon in order to discuss the Wilson problem . They conclude that Plame and Wilson are part of a vast network of Liberals in both the media and Congress. They also discover that Plame had a summer job with the CIA doing work on Weapons of Mass Destruction(WMD). Plame's involvement with WMD helps to explain why no WMD were found in Iraq.

2003 - Moving swiftly to expose the truth Libby, Dick Armitage, Cheney, and Karl Rove meet and greet with members of the mainstream media including: Robert Novak, Matt Cooper, Judy Miller, Jeff Gannon, Bob Woodward, and definitely Tim Russert in order to spread the word about the Wilson's treasonous behavior.

2003 - The Bush administration falls into Plame's trap as it is revealed she was a "undercover" agent with the CIA, a claim that has yet to be proven although it explains how she got secret clearance in order to help Saddam hide his WMD.

2003 - Just as the Wilsons had planned, Plame's name was printed in the mainstream media along with the information about her stint undercover.

2003-2007 - The predictable media onslaughter begins with certain outlets actually accusing the Bush Administration of "outing an undercover agent," a minor infraction like "drinking in public."

2003/2005 - Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, whom many call "the Al Bundy of law" starts a solid investigation of the matter, even throwing a few members of the media behind bars for not cracking their lids. (Note: This is where the tables turn.)

2005 - Imprisoned reporters set Fitzgerald's sights on the Bush Administration possibly tempting him with a future supreme court position.

2005 - Rove, Cheney, Gannon, Bush, Novak, Armitage, and Ari Fleischer are all pre-convicted in the media as having something to do with a "leak".

2005 - After several meetings with Fitzgerald all primary players are cleared of all wrong doing except Libby who had trouble articulating certain details of the tangled plot.

2005 - Rumors of Wilson's bias are confirmed as it is brought to light that he voted for none other than former swift boat veteran John Kerry.

2007 - After all is said and done the fall guy for the Wilsons turned out to be I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby who was 4/5 convicted of "not getting the facts straight".

Confused? So was the jury which is ground enough to declare that mistrial PLN predicted last week. The fate of I. Lewis Scooter Libby is now in the hands of the judge, a Regan appointee, unless of course Libby takes Fitzgerald's offer to co-operate and send the Wilson's to prison.

PLN - TRIAL OF THE CENTURY II - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

TRIAL OF THE CENTURY II

Not since O.J. ran for his final touchdown has a trial so stunted the imaginations of the American people as this trial to end all trials: The Trial for Anna Nicole's Body. It couldn't have happened at a better time, when major news stories are scarce to come by.

With a world on the verge of peace we at PLN feel it germaine to extend our round the clock coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith: death, life, body trial, on through to the inevitable: funeral, DNA test-off, baby trial, exhumation, and any other subsequent points of interest including (but not limited to) the upcoming VH1 reality TV show "Prince of Nookie" starring Prince Frederic Von Anhult of Germany.

Considering there are no other significant trials to cover, PLN's own Rita Von Streusel will go sleepless for three days of televised court commentary. Rita describes the importance of even and honest trial coverage, "This is the American legal justice system at it's best. You've got competent attorneys, a guilty Howard K. Stern, and a judge who cuts through the theatrics and gets right down to what's important: Anna Nicole's money."

PLN - GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

A recent Associated Press analysis has shed light on the dark bottomless pit of burning cash that is the growing welfare state. The AP has discovered that nearly one in six people have their hands out, palm open for free drugs, food, and other luxury benefits the liberal Democrats trade in exchange for votes. Many top financial analysts on Wall Street credit the over taxed welfare system for the influx in unemployment, obesity, and single motherhood.

"Women actually get MORE benefits for being SINGLE mothers than MARRIED mothers!" Sam Reynolds of the Project For Disassociated Access points out. "This welfare system doesn't just need an overhaul. We've got to haul the whole thing with an under-haul, overhaul, side-haul, whatever. Just, get rid of it!"

Educated welfare critics now realize that the biggest perpetrators of welfare crime are "single mothers". They are lured away from the arms of caring men by the benefits offered by liberal Democrats and Clinton leftovers who refuse to cherish the sanctity of family values. Reynolds astutely observes, "The liberals use welfare like a dealer uses crack. They get the people hooked."

Wade Horn, the Bush administration's point man on welfare reform realizes this and adds, "The true goal of welfare reform should be self-sufficiency." Research has shown that once a person is self sufficient, that person no longer needs welfare.

Looks like welfare might as well not even exist.

PLN - SCRAPPY SOLDIERS CREATE MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

Scrappy Soldiers Create Make Shift Hospital!

A heart warming expose by the New York post tells the story of a rag-tag group of go-getter wounded US soldiers who have banded together in order to convert a rickety old, rat infested, structurally unsound hotel into a fully functional, full service care and treatment facility for soldiers returning from the War on Terror.

One senior federal health inspector expressed amazement at the limitless power of human imagination asking, "Who would have thought to care for sick people in an environment like this? It's...extraordinary."

The atmosphere at the ol' Walt Reed Building is one of teamwork all the way. As one soldier puts it, "We've got soldiers tending to soldiers. The resources we need...they're just not here." Some left-wing detractors complained about the soldier's treatment facility saying that it's "shameful" and "the ultimate disrespect to the troops".

When asked to respond, the White House spokesman first said, "No comment". Then retracted the no comment by adding; "I don't know why the liberals are making this an issue. Our soldiers are used to these sorts of living conditions. Iraq has rats too you know. This is just another example of Democrats not believing in our troops' resolve...If anyone can handle this, it should be the world's bravest."

But, like a scene out of "Patch Adams", in which a hilarious doctor treats patients out of the kindness of his own heart, the troops keep hope alive. Hope that all you need to run a veteran's medical center is an abandoned building, some cots, and a dream.

PLN - AND THE WINNER IS...THE TERRORISTS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

And The Winner Is...The Terrorists

The activist country music group "The Dixie Chicks" hauled away 5 Grammy awards including Album of the Year at the Grammys this year. Many remember the all female group for their comments defaming President Bush which caused patriotic Americans everywhere to run over, burn, and in some cases shoot their copies of Dixie Chick albums.

Based on the results Sunday night it can be ascertained that the Grammy voters did not hear the passionate outcry of the American people. Why would they? According to a study by the Fair Media Alliance(FMA), award show voters in the entertainment industry, by and large, swing way left. The FMA points to the fact that Michael Moore has an Academy Award as proof.

"Award shows are Hollywood's way of throwing dirt in the face of decency," said FMA associate Stanley Grub. Even the Dixie Chicks' fiery little sparkplug Natalie Mains stated that the Grammy voters had a "certain motivation" for voting the way they did. "Clearly there's no standard for decency" Grub mentions, as he points out the fact that the Dixie Chicks won 5 major awards for an album that mocks conservative-Christian values, denigrates our troops, and calls for the assassination of President Bush.

Where's Bin Laden's grammy?

PLN - NOT SINCE DIANA... - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

Not Since Diana...

Not since the death of Princess Diana has our beloved planet lost such an important and well loved symbol of rags to riches Cinderellaism. Anna Nicole Smith has passed leaving a bevy of mourning loved ones showering her memory with respect, and quietly contemplating the life of a legend. We at PLN would like to take this opportunity to inform our viewers that we will put all other "issues" on the back burner to bring you up to date information on this pressing story.

As America mourns this loss so young, we will hold the country's hand for the next two weeks of around the clock coverage. We'll have live interviews with all of the prospective father's of Anna Nicole's child, chats with some of her former stripper friends, and daily cry-outs with celebrity stylist Bobby Trendy. PLN's own Rita Von Struessel will be camped out live in front of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas talking to people who may know something about this possible crime.

We at PLN refuse to pander to the mainstream media which continues to cover depressing stories about the war, global warming, and our unprotected borders, as this all too sudden tragedy tears apart the fabric with which our country is sewn.

In order to heal our wounds, PLN is in negotiation with Prince Frederick for EXCLUSIVE interview rights, and we promise no stone will go unturned in the search for Anna Nicole's killer.

PLN - GERALDO: NOT A TERRORIST - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

The man who single handedly tried to bring down Al Capone has recently had to fight off packs of media wolves desperate for scraps of sleaze. Several unnamed mainstream media outlets have had their fun pointing out the physical similarities between Geraldo and Jamal Jafaar Mohammed the Iraqi Parliament member convicted of bombing U.S., French embassies in 1983.

The mainstream media has made a real "no no" by insinuating that Geraldo has engaged in terrorist activity. Geraldo is an American icon who took a chair in the face for freedom of speech. He also supported our troops in Iraq by giving their families at home the comfort of knowing their exact secret locations at all times. The American patriot hero Geraldo deserves better from the mainstream media. Perhaps it is they who truly deserve a chair in the face.

PLN - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

CURED!

Back in November the mainstream media ran away with the tragic story of former pastor Ted Haggart's fall from grace calling, him among other things, a hypocrite for bashing gays during his sermons. However, after three weeks of greased lightening paced work, Haggart has been swiftly and easily cured of all homosexual urges, desires, and longings.

A group of high ranking mega-Christian leaders worked round the clock with Haggart in a unique un-gayification program designed to get maximum results in the minimum amount of time. Haggart was put through a bevy of exercises in order to awaken the dormant heterosexual inside. The former New Life Ministry head pastor was shown a bundle of images, videos, books, and CD-ROMs all glorifying the miracle of heterosexual sex in the name of Christ.

"It worked like a charm," said one of the Pastors assigned to Haggart's case who requested anonymity. "This guy Haggart is so not gay it's…I can't even compare it to anything he's that straight." Another stated, "I feel sorry for his wife when he gets home. I'm afraid she's really in for it."

Haggart himself seemed pleased with the results adding, "I'm so ready to go home and be steady with my wife." It's refreshing to see a man so obviously cured and ready to get back into the life of full-time religious service.

The mainstream media has scoffed at Haggert's remarkable progress calling his rehabilitation "a scam". Pastor Henry Germond of Free Will Ministries retorts, "This is the liberal media and the gay agenda going hand in hand. They can't stand to see a gay go back. It's all part of their master plan." Whatever their plan, it looks like they'll have to find another poster boy for "Christian hypocrisy".

PLN - BIG BUSINESS GIVES BACK! - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

Big Business Gives Back!

In order to compensate the people of the Indian village of Platimada for having extracted one million liters of it's ground water to use in local bottling plants, the Coca-Cola Company plans on offering the villagers a free one-year supply of delicious Dasani, the twice filtered water with minerals added for taste. The deal will also include a free one month trial supply of the new Coca Cola Blak- an effervescent coffee infused cola beverage which Coke officials say is, "sure to help the villagers keep their buzz on."

In spite of the bountiful offering some villagers have expressed dismay calling the offering "insufficient" and criticizing Coke for "taking away our water forever". Such instances of ingratitude make a clear case for ending positive relations with all middle Eastern countries permanently. If the civil war happy Iraqis can't sustain a democracy, the poppy sloppy Afghans let the Taliban back in, and these Indians don't know when America is being nice, can there be any hope for the region?

Coke gives the people of India jobs that were not available to them before and all they ask in return is for some land and the ground water underneath that land and surrounding areas. Just goes to show you that you can lead a horse to capitalism, but you can't make it drink.

PLN - BOSTON PD SHAKES DOWN CARTOON TERROR NETWORK - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

Boston PD Shakes Down Cartoon Terror Network

Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens the two Cartoon Network marketers involved with the attempted terror plot that shut down Boston were arraigned today on charges of placing a "hoax device" and disorderly conduct. Some have mentioned that a swift iron fisted punch of justice should be administered in order to send an message to Al Qaeda, Bin Laden, and the late Saddam Hussein that America will not stand for terrorism in any of it's forms be they bombs or bomb like cartoons.

No word yet on wether the two will be charged as enemy combatants and sent to Guantanamo to be interrogated, though the idea has been suggested by some. There are those who have said that this problem is generational, that we just don't "get it". We at PLN weep for a future dominated by people who think that terrorism in the name of some televised entertainment cartoon program is somehow fodder for laughs.

PLN - STATE OF THE UNION VIEWER POLLS SHOW BIAS - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

State of The Union Viewer Polls

State of the Union Poll Data Exposes Propounderous Liberal Bias. President George W. Bush hit a home run out of the ball park in his State of The Union address, but not like you'd notice it from reports in the mainstream media. Take a look at our PLN viewer polls. Now take a look at the same poll taken by a rival network during the same speech.

How is it that viewers watching the same speech, at the same time, on a different network could have such radically extreme ideas about reality? As we all know polls are not scientific, they are subject to human error, and so are the people who take the polls. The real question here is: Can shoddy reporting turn people against their country and, in doing so, the troops? The main stream media is in such a sad state that all you need to do is know what channel a person watches and you can basically tell what he thinks about politics, and the true content of his character...that is unless they get their news from an even and honest source.

PLN - OBAMA HUSSEIN OSAMA BARAK? - PRIME TOP STORY!!

2007-09-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Obama Hussein Osama Barak?

In a stump speech today senator Barak Hussein Obama spoke about Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Obama stated that Osama and Hussein were not Hussein Obama's "type of people". -Osama.

PLN - FACKLERY & DEAN - PROMO

2007-09-09T21:59:00.001-07:00